Like many others, I was a Star Wars junkie when I was younger. I bought the comics and toys, and rejoiced at being able to see the Special Edition rereleases of the original trilogy in theaters, however flawed they were. I initially like Episode I, but its problems became quite apparent after the hype had died down. Ditto for Episode II. I stayed far away from any promotion for the final installment, Episode III – Revenge of the Sith, so I wouldn’t get my hopes up. As such I went into the theater hoping only that it wouldn’t be a complete disaster.

I can’t say I’m surprised with the end result, but I’m still disappointed.

The movie starts in the midst of a space battle in which Anakin and Obi-Wan (Ewan McGregor) are battling to rescue Supreme Chancellor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid), who has been kidnapped by Count Dooku/Darth Tyranus (Christopher Lee), who is quickly dispatched (It happens so early, I would hardly call that a spoiler). Upon returning to Coruscant Anakin finds out Padme, his secret wife (Natalie Portman), is pregnant. Besides being worried about their affair being exposed he is also plagued with dreams of her dying in childbirth, similar to the dreams of his mother’s death in the previous film; this fear and worry is exploited to full effect by Palpatine. With Count Dooku out of the way, our heroes turn their attention to surrogate villain General Grievous, who is the new leader of the droid/trade federation/whatever separatist movement. The Jedi scatter to deal with the various rebel factions, Anakin eventually sells out to the Dark Side, and everything comes together in a final climactic light-saber duel between Anakin and Obi-Wan. First impressions are a very important thing, as they set a pace and determine the audience’s attitude, which goes a long way toward explaining why the Star Wars series has been struggling to regain its footing ever since the public’s disappointment with Episode I. The opening moments of this film, fittingly, underscore several of its problems. The very first sentence of the trademark Star Wars yellow text scroll at the beginning of the movie reads, “War!” Now come on… That’s not an exclamation, not a sentence. It may be small gripe, but it establishes a clumsy narrative that the film never manages to entirely shake off.

The swift departure of Count Dooku is indicative of one of the new trilogy’s greatest weaknesses: second-rate villains. Darth Maul made the cover of Time magazine, yet had maybe five lines and fifteen minutes of screen time before being cast aside like the plot device and marketing gimmick he was. Dooku/Tyranus was more present than Maul, but was really just a poor Saruman ripoff (more on that later). He barely lasted more than one movie, and was replaced by General Grievous, easily the worst villain in the entire Star Wars series. He’s a cyborg/droid (it’s never really clarified) with poor posture and a hacking cough. Huh? His lines and delivery are obnoxiously campy; if he had been given a long mustache, he would be twirling it like there’s no tomorrow. This cartoonish characterization is present, too, in the series’ chief villain, Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious. Now let me be clear: Chancellor Palpatine, in my eyes, is well-realized. He’s persuasive and subtly manipulative, as he should be. However, he becomes a caricature of himself when he starts to show his true colors; his skin wrinkles into a horrible-looking prosthetic, and his voice goes gravelly and completely over-the-top.

Speaking of over-the-top, the action scenes are outrageous and needlessly drawn out. Jedi or not, there are some things humans (and humanoids) just can’t do, especially when they’re old enough to be collecting Social Security. Imagine if you will, the Obi-Wan/Darth Vader lightsaber battle in Episode IV – A New Hope. Now imagine the two of them fighting (at that same age, mind you) with hyperactive speed and computer-generated acrobatics. Ridiculous, right? Count Dooku, Yoda, and Emperor Palpatine are all guilty of such geriatric nonsense. The big battle scenes, while technically impressive, are a clusterfuck more than anything else. Every frame is packed with CG-infused mayhem, but it means nothing; there’s no emotional resonance with either side, and almost all of it is fake anyway.

Indeed, it’s George Lucas’ love of digital technology that has really sunk these films. Not only does it deprive the audience of any true physical craftsmanship to marvel at, it deprives the actors of having something tangible to act against. Except for the Tattooine scenes filmed in Tunisia, the majority of the acting was done against a blue/green screen with, well, EVERYTHING added in post-production. As a result the cast is forced to regurgitate such lines as “Anakin, you’re breaking my heart!” with little to inspire them. People are quick to say, “Nobody goes to Star Wars movies for the acting, and the originals had bad lines too.” These may both be true, but they were never such a glaring distraction in the original trilogy. The new films, by contrast, are an exercise in teeth-gnashingly bad dialogue.

This is a shame, because the story itself held some real potential. The characters occasionally talk of war, about it being a matter of perspective. Part of the opening text reads, “There are heroes on both sides,” but this is never elaborated on. There is a none-too-subtle allegory running throughout which, in a nutshell, likens President Bush to Emperor Palpatine: a power-hungry old fart who is subverting democracy in order to convert the once-noble republic into a ruthless empire. Conservative groups were bellyaching about it before the movie was even released, but it seems like energy wasted; while Lucas should be admired for wanting to make his key franchise into something more than a glorified toy commercial, he just didn’t put enough effort into the storytelling to give it any weight. Of course, he denies any accusations of social commentary on modern-day politics; he says it’s based more on Vietnam and classic imperialism, like ancient Rome. But we all know he just doesn’t want to alienate potential ticketholders.

Finally, one of the most irritating things about this movie is how much of the aesthetics are copped from the Lord of the Rings movies. Attack of the Clones, with Count Dooku, shamelessly ripped off Saruman’s subordinate role, join-us-or die ultimatum, and Christopher Lee; now we have a climax on a volcano (Mordor/Mustafar), where the ruined protagonist (Frodo/Anakin) is tearfully berated by his partner (Sam/Padme) for being corrupted by that which he was supposed to destroy (The One Ring/The Dark Side). Using Gandalf as the inspiration for Obi-Wan was acceptable in the 70s because, really, who hadn’t been influenced by the LOTR books? But these are scenes swiped from a movie that came out less than two years ago.

For all the negatives, however, there are some things to love. Anakin’s seduction to the dark side by Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine is quite well-done; his rationale even makes a crazy amount of sense. Ewan McGregor (Obi-Wan Kenobi) does a reasonably good acting job, given the horrible quality of the script. The political allegory, though superficial, is enjoyable, at least to one who agrees that Bush is an arrogant prick. The massacre of the Jedi works pretty well, despite its groan-inducing “Order 66” catalyst. The much-touted PG-13 rating was justified with a scene of implied violence that had a sadistic grin creeping across my face. Anakin’s battle with Obi-Wan ends with a proper note of tragedy and wasted potential, and our first glimpse of Darth Vader as we know him is guiltily satisfying, with the exception of an unnecessarily melodramatic ‘Nooo!’ tagged on to the end. Most of the last half-hour is pulled off magnificently, actually, with all of the loose ends being tied up, with one glaring exception; Jar Jar Binks. Given the intense criticism Lucas received over him, it’s shocking that he wasn’t disposed of, or even really acknowledged outside of about five seconds at the end. Unfortunately, it all ends up being all too little, and far too late.

6/10