KITTY JOKES

KITTY JOKES

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

POOF! Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I would not mind being a young, beautiful princess."

POOF! She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

POOF! There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that you're dog is dead, too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350. "$350 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your DARN cat."

Kitty in Heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best.

10 KITTY COMMANDMENTS

1. I am the Lord of thy house.

2. Thou shall have no other pets before me.

3. Thou shalt not ever ignore me.

4. I shall ignore thou when I feel like it.

5. Thou shalt be grateful that I even give thou the time of day.

6. Remember my food dish and keep it full.

7. Thou shalt spend most of thy money on toys and gifts for me.

8. Thou shalt always have thy lap ready for me to curl up in.

9. Thou shalt shower me with love and attention upon demand.

10. Above all, thou shalt do anything and everything it takes to keep me happy.

KITTY CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,not even a mouse.

'Cuz the cat had pounced on him and tore him apart -

Ate his mousey intestines and chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleigh bells, which made him take pause -

He stopped daintily licking the blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa," thought Kitty (that quite clever cat)

'Cuz nobody else climbs down the chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa so jolly and fat

With a huge load of presents and all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!" Kitty thought with a purr,

Then he coughed up a hairball and shed some more fur.

KITTY CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN

10. Up on the Mousetop

9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

8. Joy to the Curled

7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

6. The First Meow

5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

4. Silent Mice

3. Fluffy, the Snowman

2. Jingle Balls

1. Wreck the Halls!

Q. What is the similarity between a cat on the beach and Christmas?

A. Sandy Claws.

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