One French Fry short of a Happy Meal.

One brick short of a load.

If he had a brain, it would be lonesome.

He couldn't cut soft butter with a hot knife!

He couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

As useless as teats on a bull.

As useless as balls on the Queen.

One sandwich short of a picnic.

Half a bubble off plumb.

He paddles his own canoe.

He has his solar panels on the north side.

He would have told the captain of the Titanic, "Full Speed Ahead!"

He lives in a Tinker Toy castle.

His elevator doesn't go up to the top floor. (Chrissie, NJ)

He's not playing with a full deck of cards. (Mouse, MI)

He doesn't have both oars in the water. (Mouse, MI)

The porch light is on but nobody is home. (Sharon, Ont, Can)

One sandwich short of a picnic. (Linda, South Africa)

One enchilada short of a combo platter! (Mistie, TX)

He's having a brain fart. (Jeannie, Nova Scotia, Can)

He couldn't pour pee out of his boot with the directions written on the heel. (Sharon, Ont, Can)

Dumb as a box of rocks. (Michelle, MO)

Not the brightest lamp on the porch. (Michelle, MO)

More useless than a football bat. (Kent, LA)

(A whole list from Bea, WI)

About as sharp as a marble.

A few clowns short of a circus.

Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all her Cornflakes in one box.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off her cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Forgot to pay her brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution can go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

24 cents short of a quarter.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

A few cards short of a deck. (Gus, AZ)

His brother was an only child. (Gus, AZ)

Pretty house ... nobody home. (Pat, MS)

A few bees short of a hive. (Pat, MS)

An egg roll short of a Pu Pu Platter. (DC, NY)

A taco short of a combination plate. (DC, NY)

He's got a hole in his bag of marbles. (DC, NY)

His cord doesn't quite reach the outlet. (Jeff, WI)

He's a few channels short of cable. (Jeff, WI)

He doesn't know his ass from a hot rock. (Steve, CA)

If clues were shoes he'd be barefooted. (Paul, Nova Scotia, Can)

If his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose! (Dave, NE)

He's eating with only one chopstick. (Tony, IL)

Hello, Not-So-Good Lookin'!

Ugly as a mud fence. (Michelle, MO)

He's so ugly that when he was born, the doctor slapped him on the wrong end. (Mike, MN)

Yap Yap Yap!

He could talk the ear off a statue.

His mouth's in overdrive before his brain has turned over.

He has more tongue than a Mountie's boot.

Don't look at me with that tone of voice!! (Sharon, Ont, Can)

She was vaccinated with a phonograph needle. (Steve, CA)

She can speak 200 words a minute with gusts up to 300. (Cody, LA)

He has verbal diarrhea and metal constipation. (Mark, South Africa)

Busy Busy Busy!

As busy as a one-armed paper hanger.

As busy as a mosquito in a nudist colony.

She's busier than a one legged ass kicker. (Mike, MN)

As busy as a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest. (Clint, MO)

I'm as a busy as a one-eyed pervert at a burlesque show. (Maria, LA)

Gutsy and Able!

He's got more balls than Spalding!

If his balls were any bigger, we could play football.

He could sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo.

He has Balls of steel!!(Jeannie, Nova Scotia, Can)

Weather or Not!

It's cold enough to freeze the nuts off a brass monkey.

It's hot enough to melt a furnace.

It's so hot, the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

It's so hot, the thermometer moved into the shade.

It's so cold, the snowman came in to warm up.

It's colder than a well-digger's ass. (Mouse, MI)

It's hotter than the hubs of hell! (Sharon, Ont, Can)

Its blowing a gagger! (Sharon, Ont, Can)

Colder than a witches tit! (Sharon, Ont, Can)

It's dryer than a popcorn fart. (Mc, SW Fl)

Having a blue norther. (ed: very windy cold snap) (Whoever, TX)

Colder than a whore's tit. (Katia, IA)

Hotter than the hinges of hell!! (Jeannie, Nova Scotia, Can)

Colder than a dead beaver's dick! (Karen, NV)

Colder than a woman's heart. (Gus, NY)

It's blowing like a raped ape! (Christine, CT)

I'm sweating like a whore in church. (Joe, IA)

I'm so cold I could cut diamonds with my nipples. (Hal, NY)

Slippery as snot on a doorknob. (Kevin, NY)

It's hotter than a two-peckered bill goat in heat. (Josh, OH)

Colder than a witch's tit on the shady side of the moon. (Josh, OH)

Colder than a well-digger's ass on hog killin' day. (Josh, OH)

It's hotter than two gophers f***ing in a wool sock! (TJ, MN)

It's hotter than Dutch love up in here! (TJ, MN)

It's hotter than a freshly screwed fox in a forest fire! (anonymous)

Slow & Steady!

Slower than molasses in January.

If he were going any slower, he'd be going backwards!

He is slower than molasses going up a hill backwards! (Misty, Nova Scotia, Can)

Instead of Saying 'Yes'

Does a one legged duck swim in a circle? (Brandon, KS)

Does a bear shit in the woods? (Brandon, KS)

Does BIl Clinton smoke weed? (Brandon, KS)

Does Rose Kennedy own a black dress? (Ryan, MA)

Does Pinochio have wooden balls? (Ryan, NH)

Is the Pope Catholic? (Ryan, NH)

Does the Bishop like little boys? (Ryan, NH)

Does a toilet seat get ass? (Ryan, NH)

Are the Kennedy's gun shy? (TJ, MN)

Does it horse piss where is pleases? (TJ, MN)

Is a frog's ass water tight? (Tyler, AZ)

Does the Pope wear a funny hat? (Tyler, AZ)

Not My Lucky Day

I'm always a dollar short and a day late! (Carley, USA)

It has been a day of inchworm activity. (Mick, MO)

I'm In Trouble!

My ass is grass and she's the lawn mower. (Mike, MN)

Don't Complain

Does this look like a face of concern?

Don't be a dying duck in a hailstorm! (Mike C, NY)

You know what they say, you take a pill it lasts two weeks; you don't and it lasts 14 days. (Mike C, NY)

Ouch!!

I havent seen a beatin like that sinse someone put a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose! (Brandon, KS)

I haven't gotten my ass kicked that bad since the SAT's! (Phil, OH)

It's All the Same to Me

Either way, it's six of one, a half dozen of the other. (Mike C, NY)

You're confusing me with someone who gives a f**k. (Dave, Scotland)

It's the Worst Idea Since...

... Abe Lincoln said, "I'm tired of kicking around the house. Let's go out and take in a show." (Logicalman, IA)

... JFK said, "It's such a lovely day, lets have the (car) roof down." (Logicalman, IA)

Fun Fun Fun

I've had more fun getting a root canal.

I haven't had so much fun since the hogs ate my little sister! (Ken, USA)

Happy as a pig in shit. (Julie, Ont, Can)

This here is more fun than the time my brother spread honey on my ass and sat me in an ant hill!! (Geoffrey, Ont, Can)

That's about as funny as a pay toilet in a diarhea ward. (Josh, OH)

That's about as funny as a screen door on a submarine. (Josh, OH)

Going, Going, Gone!

I'm off like a prom dress. (Vahan, USA)

Gone, like your mom's virginity. (Luis, CA)

I'm outta here like a fat girl in dodge ball. (Ryan, ILL)

Miscellaneous Musings

It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

(comment on the Town Bully)
If he wasn't abused as a child he should have been. (Don, NY)

While 2 wrongs don't make a right, 3 lefts make a right just fine. (Renata, USA)

A bird on the plate is worth 2 in the bush. (Renata, USA)

1 - I've gotta pee like a Russian racehorse. (Amy, ID) (Is this one right?)

2 - I have got to pee like a rushing racehorse. (Amber, GA) (Or is this one?)

Snug as a bug in a rug. (Julie, Ont, Can)

Fill your boots! (Geoffrey, Ont, Can)

(comment on Animals)
Skim milk does not come from skinny cows. (Amos, NM)

Tough as a fart in the wind. (anonymous)

As loud as a duck farting underwater. (anonymous)

As hard as a day-old Pamper. (anonymous)

He's as queer as a three dollar bill. (Paul, Nova Scotia, Can)

It's a nice day when it doesn't rain. (Paul, Nova Scotia, Can)

(comment on Emotional Stability)
Her moods go up and down like a toilet seat. (Stu, MN)

Quicker than two jiggles of a jackrabbit's ass. (Kenneth, OH)

Slap the dog and spit in the fire. (Vahan, USA)