The Ava School Board has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless 'taxpayer dollar pipeline' through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - Noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - Verb. Past tense of the infinitive 'to borrow'.
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - Noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - Noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - Noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - Verb. Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - Noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT- Adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native".
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - Noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - Noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - Noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - Noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - Noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - Noun, a battle or combat. Verb, to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - Noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - Adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed.... mus' be from some farn country."
DID - Adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - Noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe.... give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - Noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and Verb Contraction: 'Did you'.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - Contraction: 'He is'.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah.... haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
SEED - Verb, past tense of 'to see'.
Usage: "Ah seed him comin down the road this mornin."
VIEW - Contraction: 'Have you?'.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City.... view?"
GUMMINT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummint boys shore are ignert."
