I tried like crazy to keep my mouth from dropping in total shock at Angelus� actions. Angelus knew how to cry?�and more importantly�What the Hell was he crying about? I did my best to comfort him, wondering if perhaps this was some type of test. But if it was a test�what was he testing? My sympathy? My compassion? I should think it�s pretty obvious by now that my feelings for Angelus are emotionally deep and passionate. I can�t imagine he�d have any doubts, or feel the need to test me after this past week of testing me.
I was getting completely soaked, and the cold rain was chilling me to the bone. I began to shake as I continued to massage Angelus� head with my frozen fingers. It took several more minutes of Angelus� shaking, before he slowly began to lift his head to look into my face. At first glance, I didn�t notice anything different. And then I looked into his eyes; The window to his mind, and now�his soul.
I shot back from Angelus, stumbling backwards and catching myself with my hands on the cool cement of the balcony. The soaking wet sheets remained plastered to my skin like a mold that had been painted on to me.
It was different. Everything was suddenly so different. And�Angelus was different. The look of desire and passion was gone, and replaced by something that left me feeling as if I was witnessing the torture of Christ. Just from looking into his eyes, I could feel the tears form in my eyes, but I held them back � wanting to know what was happening before I reacted in any way.
His eyes weren�t cold and icy. Now they were warm and hot�like fire. I wanted to look away, for the depth of his gaze was almost too much to handle. But something inside me compelled me not to run, not to look away�until I knew. Until I knew exactly what was happening, and exactly why I felt like I was now with an entirely different person. I opened my mouth to try to speak, but what words could I find? Anything other than �Duh� would have suited me nicely, but I knew that if I attempted to use my voice right now��Duh� was all I would hear myself say. So I kept quiet a little longer.
My heart was racing, and my temples were pounding. I�d never known they could do that. I�d never been this nervous in my entire life, and now I had come to find that I was shivering not only from the rain, but from the realization that Angelus wasn�t here right now, and that someone else was in his body.
It was several minutes until I finally opened my mouth to speak. Angelus� eyes left me, to look at the ground�my leg�my hands. �A-Angelus, what-�
�I�m not,� he cut me off, speaking in a low, shattered tone that sounded like nothing Angelus was capable of. Angelus� tones, even in the most fragile state, always carried a hint of pride and ego. His voice was always strong, even when he was not. His voice never broke like it did now.
�You�re not what?� I asked, my own strength fumbling as I tried to hold in my tears. I felt my voice breaking as I began to cry. It felt as if I was choking on a hard lump of pain. I couldn�t swallow. Have you ever had that feeling? As you start to cry, your throat feels like it�s stuck by some immovable force, and there�s nothing that you can do about it.
But the feeling passed as I finally began to cry when Angelus said, �I�m not him.�
It was what I�d guessed. What I�d suspected. So why was I so upset? The shock of it. I knew I should be questioning. Begging for answers. But I couldn�t think of what to say. My heart was breaking as I realized Angelus had left me � even if it wasn�t willingly. From out of nowhere, I suddenly stopped my broken sobbing and asked �Angelus���Who are you?�
His eyes shot to mine immediately, as if he hadn�t been expecting me to say a thing. I held my breath as I awaited a response. I looked him directly in the eye, wanting to be able to confirm what he said when he finally answered, with what I saw in his eyes�Or WHO I saw in his eyes. Angelus� eyes, even when he seemed like he could not be revealed to the world, always told me exactly what I needed to know. They betrayed his inner most thoughts; desires; truths. There was no way that his eyes could lie�even if they were not Angelus� eyes at the moment, but the eyes of a stranger. The eyes were the same. And they would tell me what I needed to know.
�I�m not him,� he repeated. His lower lip was shaking, and his eyes darted back and forth like a confused leopard that was looking for every possible exit. He began to move. Slowly, he got to his knees, and then to his feet. I looked up at him; watched him. He looked up at the dark sky; the rain slapping his face like cold hands. �I�m not him,� I heard him whisper again.
Timidly, I stood up, being careful to keep the sheet molded to me as best I could to cover my nude form. I moved slowly, as if I was trying to keep him from bolting off into the night in fear. �W-who are you?� I repeated my question, wanting to know now more than ever.
He lower his gaze from the sky, to look at me. I noticed that he no longer stood with the same pride as Angelus. He kind of slumped a little; his shoulders lowered in submission, and his head held just high enough for him to see straight. When he looked at me, his shaking features were Angelus � but it seemed as if they belonged to a completely different person�and I suppose that now, they did.
�A-Angel,� he whispered, and then dropped his gaze from my face, to the floor.
I took the time to wrack my brain. Had I ever heard of Angel? Had anything in Darla�s diary spoken of Angelus being associated with someone or something named Angel? And suddenly it hit me. I�d read a passage nearer to the end of the journal, written around 1903 � that had never made sense to me�until now.
And when it happened, I dared to believe he would stay. It wasn�t like I didn�t enjoy Angelus� cruelty and completely dominating, forceful nature. It was more or less that I was in dire need of a change after 100 years together. I consulted the Oracles about the arrival of this Angel. They had given me this message�
�If Angelus in himself, as a soul, has the desire and the strength to pull himself from the depths of Hell � it will not be eternal. Eternal reign in his own flesh with a soul shall come only when he has found that which compels him to live. Only that which is worth the venture to Heaven and Earth.�
At the time, I had thought this meant the worst � that now that Angelus loved me, he would surely feel I was worthy of granting the gift of his soul. But only after did I realize that Angelus never truly cared for me with his soul. I was merely a passing amusement. Something that lasted, but only because it could be abandoned at his own will�And picked up whenever he felt he wanted it.
So when the soul left after only a day, I found myself glad in a way. I had my consort back, and he was more vicious than ever. I had only passing regrets that Angelus hadn�t found me worthy enough to bestow the gift of his love. Angelus told me after his day as the Angel, that it was as if he was trapped. Trapped in total darkness with nothing but a small window to look out of. He could see everything�But he had no control. No power.
I can only image what a loss of power, would do to a vampire.
I suddenly understood what Darla had been talking about. Angel, was what Angelus was called when he had a soul. And a hundred years ago, Angel had been freed from the depths of Hell for a day, as if to determine whether it was worth exerting himself to try to stay, or if he should simply give in and allow the demon control over his body. So did this mean that Angelus would be back in a day, or would Angel find a reason to stay this time? It confused me because I wasn�t sure what it was that would compel Angel to stay. Could it be that whatever he desired, was here now�and that I may never see Angelus again?
I could only pray that was not so.
�You can�t understand now,� he spoke, trying to stable the tremble of his voice as best he could, so that I could understand him.
�Understand what?� I asked.
He stepped towards me, and I backed up a step. Turning slightly, he moved to go inside, but first held out a hand to motion me inside out of the rain. Once inside, I quested again, �understand what?�
�What�s to be,� he whispered, his eyes darting over everything in the room. His gaze finally fell upon the bed, and he stopped moving completely. He was silent for several long moment before he spoke again. During those moments, I had absolutely no idea what I was to think. But think, I did. Why was Angel here now? What had happened to restore him? Pain? Jealousy? What had jolted Angel from the depths of Hell to stand where he stood now, only paces away from me.
**
My gaze landed on the bed; the top sheet was gone, wrapped around the petite, gorgeous blonde to my left. The bottom sheet and blankets lay amongst the pillows and clothing�It was the scene of passion. Of desire. It was obvious what had happened there, to even the most feeble of minds. Virginity, stolen by a demon and given by a goddess. It was so wrong. So wrong. Buffy was promised to me as my reward. And now, it was as though Angelus had made her love him � convinced her that she existed solely for his satisfaction and passions.
He�d taken my gift�s most precious possession�as if it were his own to take. I had wanted it, but not to �take� it. I wanted to receive it after spending all the time in the world convincing this precious beauty that I loved her with the depths of eternity and the length of tomorrow.
She stood just a few feet from me; shivering from the feeling of the cold, damp sheets that guarded her nude form from my vision. I stepped towards her, and the pain inside me lessened when I realized that she was not moving away from me. I moved closer again, and she made no move to leave where she stood.
**
My mind was whirling. What was I expected to do? Was I to treat him as a stranger? A thief that had taken my lover�s body, if only for a day? Or was I to treat him as I would treat Angelus, to show Angelus that I loved everything about him � including the soul which he had not previously possessed. I wanted to move; do something; react in any way.
But I couldn�t.
My fear, confusion, and exhaustion held me where I was, even as Angel inched closer to me. When finally he stood before me, he took my hand and looked into my eyes. He had finally stopped shaking, but the tortured look remained in his eyes, now accompanied by intrigue and desire.
I, myself, felt the desire to take him in my arms and make love to him for the second time. I couldn�t help the trickle of moisture that gathered between my legs as I stood before Angelus�or now, Angel.
And then his head moved down to my own, and he pressed his lips against mine. My breath hitched in my chest for a moment as I considered what I should be doing. I should pull away. I should resist this delicious temptation. But no, I couldn�t resist or doing anything that I knew I should. You couldn�t even imagine the pull I felt; in my head and in my heart. It wanted me to go in one direction: Out the door�Yet my soul knew it was right to stay. Should I listen to common sense? Or should I suppress the little voice that told me this was wrong, and simply live for the moment?
I think it was pretty clear as I lifted my free hand to wrap around Angel�s neck; what I had decided to do. Danger and bad decisions be damned! All I wanted was to feel his body against my own�his lips against mine.
**
I didn�t intend to kiss her. I just found my resistance was none. I certainly didn�t mean to pull her body tight against mine. And I certainly didn�t mean to grind my hard member into her stomach. But as she ground back against me�I was certainly glad that I did. I could hear her heart beat increasing. I could feel her blood rushing through her veins. I could smell her blood�
**
Suddenly Angel pushed me away. I looked at him, panting to catch the breath he took away with just that kiss. The pool of desire between my legs was growing with every passing second, because as my eyes swept over him once again�there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted him more than I�d ever wanted anything. With Angelus, the kisses had been consuming and possessive. Now they held a longing and desire that I couldn�t get enough of. It was contagious.
�Why did you stop?� I finally asked, pressing a finger to my lips to try to remember the gentle pressure of his lips from just moments before.
�You don�t know me,� he whispered slowly; refusing to look me straight in the eyes as he spoke. �You want me because of what you had with him�and I don�t want to be wanted like he was.�
It dawned on me then that maybe I was placing my desire for Angelus onto Angel. Sure, I wanted the body just the same�but I didn�t know the soul. It dawned on me that maybe I wanted to. And I literally had all day to know about him. Something about that thought intrigued me. If I got to know what Angelus was like before he lost his soul, maybe I could become closer to him. I could use today as a Learning Experience.
The only problem would be resisting Angel. I wanted to learn so much�but at the same time, I wanted his body. As juvenile and �hormonish� as that may sound. It was incredibly true. I had to think of some way to distract myself from the gorgeous man in front of me that obviously wanted me, and the fact that I was nearly naked and dying to have him.
�Breakfast?� I finally found a word that didn�t sound like a come on.
He quirked an eyebrow at me
~~
Down in the kitchen, I did my best to make breakfast. I knew Angelus didn�t need to eat, but I didn�t necessarily want to focus on the fact that he was a vampire, because from the tortured look that had returned to Angel�s eyes�I could tell that blood was the last thing that he wanted to be reminded of needing. So scrambled eggs, toast, and bacon would have to suffice.
Needless to say, Angel and I had both dressed. I put on a pair of simple baby blue jogging pants and a black and white zip-up sweater, and swept my hair up into a simple bun. I had also managed to find a pair of jeans and a black sweater for Angel, that was in my uncle�s closet.
My mind was whirling with a million thoughts as I tried to focus on the fact that I had just accidentally dumped about two tablespoons of salt into the eggs accidentally. I cursed under my breath as I snapped to reality, and scooped out as much of the white salt as I could. Flicking it into the sink, I did my best to pretend like I didn�t notice Angel�s intense and mildly amused gaze on my back.
The toast popped up, and I went to work buttering it. Finishing with that, I realized that my eggs were burning�was it even possible for eggs to burn? From the look of the smoke as I rushed to shut off the burner they were on�I realized that yes, eggs could, indeed, burn. I took a deep breath and tried to just stay calm as I ruined the meal. Finally I served portions to my two, waiting plates, and turned to face the music.
Setting a plate of food in front of Angel where he sat at the kitchen table, and one in front of my own spot, I smiled and said, �Bon Appetite!� trying to muster up as much enthusiasm as I could, although I had very little faith in my meal.
~~
After Angel choked his way through my eggs, toast, and bacon; I did the dishes up and set two cups of coffee out for us. And then we sat at the table�and sat�and sipped�and listened to the deafening tone of silence.
I didn�t know what I should say�what I could say. I had absolutely no idea what I was supposed to be doing here. My plan had been to learn about Angel�but I was getting the feeling that if I learned about the soul, I may never be the same with Angelus when he returns�if he returns. The last thing I want to do, is fall in love with a soul that won�t still be here tomorrow.
Finally, it was Angel who broke the thought-filled silence.
�You want him back,� he said; his eyes finally connecting with mine. It was more of a statement than a question, but I answered it anyways.
�I want that feeling back,� I admitted. �This feels so�I don�t know. Not wrong for some reason, because it almost feels like I knew this was going to happen. But�not right, because I don�t see how it can be.� I frowned then and muttered under my breath, �that definitely made no sense.�
�I understand,� he whispered. �But�it wasn�t supposed to be like this.�
�It wasn�t?� I asked. �What was it supposed to be like then?� I felt emotions creeping into my voice. �I don�t understand what I�m supposed to be doing right now. I mean�I made love with Angelus, and now you�re here. Will Angelus be back? And when?�And if I ever make love to him again, will you be there right after?�
�I know you have questions-�
�Yeah, because I just asked them all,� sarcasm dripped from my voice. And by the hurt look in his face, I knew the sarcasm wasn�t helping. I felt a little bad. �I�m sorry,� I told him.
�You shouldn�t be,� he said. �I know this is all confusing. To me, too. But�I have to know what you know about me before we can figure any of this out. I know everything Angelus knows about you�I know everything Angelus knows�everything he did�� Angel�s voice broke off as he tried to continue speaking.
Silence fell over the room as I tried to think of what to do next. I looked up to the ceiling, as if the answer was written up there somewhere. I shut my eyes and tried to think; but no thought was clear. Everything was so messed up�so confusing. Dear God, all I needed was a little clarity here. I needed to know what I was supposed to do�what I was supposed to feel�and think.
�Can you show me?� Angel�s voice cut into my thoughts.
Looking into his eyes suddenly, I found that I didn�t need to ask what he was taking about. I just knew where he wanted me to take him.
I stood up and nodded, �come on.� Extending my hand for him to take, I waited for him to accept it and then stand. When finally he did, I was so close to him that I was sure he could hear the racing of my heart. I looked up into his eyes and tried to think of something to say. But I couldn�t say a thing. Instead of speaking, I finally just turned and led him from the room.
**
I followed Buffy; this precious beauty; this wonderful goddess; this light of hope � to the study, where I knew she had found the journal. I had every memory of Angelus, and it was hard enough to deal with the torture and pain he�I�had inflicted on so many, without having to worry about staying in control of this body now as well. But I had to do it. I couldn�t allow Angelus to return to killing and torturing. I had to find a way to stop him. Learning as much as I could about why I had been brought back, would help me now to figure out how to keep in control, and keep Angelus locked away.
The last time I had returned to my body, when Darla had been around, I had finally decided that the only way to rid the world of Angelus was to kill myself. But Darla had stopped me again and again throughout the day. I knew that if I tried now, Buffy would stop me�or at least, try to stop me.
Stepping in to the study, I felt the imprints of everything that had ever happened in this room; crushing in all around me. Memories of torture, murder, and every form of violent pain infliction possible, crumbled my control. I did not need to breathe, but my breath quickened just the same as if I was alive � being choked by some unseen hands that I could not remove from my neck. I took a step back, my eyes darting all around me as if I could see the countless murders happening in this very room and the rooms that lay hidden beyond the tall walls that surrounded me.
My composure cracked. My mind went dark. I suddenly stopped looking�stopped breathing�stopped moving. All I could do was stand there. My mind was filled with thoughts. I knew I should get out of the study if I wanted to retain my sanity, but I couldn�t seem to make myself move. I felt almost as if sanity was too good for a demon as awful as I am.
**
I watched his reactions, until finally he stopped reacting at all. Angel stood in front of me for several minutes; just standing there. I could only imagine what he was feeling. With the memories of pain and torture that must belong to a vampire like Angelus, I don�t know how long I would be able to go on living before I asked the Gods to kill me. I wouldn�t feel worthy of the life that I had deprived so many others of. This realization made me wonder�
Why did Angelus feel that he was worthy of love? Of affection and passion and everything else that comes along with the life that he loved to destroy. Was it true that he really had no soul for me to possess? Was the souled-version of my former lover before me now, the only chance I had of ever truly being loved with compassion? Was Angel really my gift? The one that I was supposed to fall for?
My focus fell back to Angel, as he stood shivering before me. His entire body shook with memories; his demeanor clouded with angst and regret. All I wanted was to ease his pain. Even if I didn�t know the soul, I knew what it felt like to be in pain. Who could possibly enjoy it? I took a step forward, and stopped. I wondered briefly if I shouldn�t touch Angel. What would Angelus think?
**I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I�d quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity**
**
My thoughts were coming in whispers � barely audible from one another. She was closer than before. I turned to face her. I knew she had started to come towards me, but stopped. God, all I wanted to do was hold her. I didn�t care about what happened in the future. I just wanted to hold her and feel some sort of comfort from the pain of my mind. I closed the distance between us until I could look directly into her eyes, though it meant looking down because she was so much shorter than I was.
She looked into my own eyes with a look of question. But beyond the questions and confusion, was a hint of fondness. Her aura was unfailingly tender, and I couldn�t resist wishing she was mine. As selfish as that may be.
**
I reached a hand up. Moving slowly; hesitating. Angel closed his eyes for a moment as I finally laid my hand on his cheek. I had no idea what I was doing, or what I was supposed to be doing. All I new was that this felt right somehow. Like I should have been comforting him from the very beginning.
**I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain**
�I wish I knew what you thought,� I finally found words to speak. Angel opened his eyes to look at me, and once again I was met with that same gaze of regret. It was like looking into a river of remorse that would flood over if one more terrible mistake was added.
Overcome with emotions that I didn�t have a prayer�s chance of sorting out, I raised my head as high as I could until finally I could reach Angel�s face. I looked into his eyes as I moved closer, and then finally shut them as I pressed my lips tenderly against his own. The kiss was a comfort. I didn�t mean to take it anywhere. I just wanted Angel to feel how I felt, and understand what I was going through. And at the same time, I wanted to know what he was feeling. I wanted a glimpse into the battle for emotional control that raged behind his eyes.
**
Her lips were so soft; so pliant. I pulled her closer, sliding my hands around her tiny waist so that I could feel the warmth of her body. I knew I was cold; I had no body heat for her to feel. Yet the strange mixture of hot and cold as death, seemed to make sense. It felt so right just touching her�even if it was selfish to want something so pure and beautiful after all the pain that my hands have caused.
**And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace**
Her soft body was grinding gently against my own in a slow, suggestive rhythm. I knew we wouldn�t act on the suggestion, but it was nice to imagine. I blocked out my darker thoughts, if only for a moment, and just enjoyed the moment. If it turned out that I couldn�t stop the return of Angelus tonight, then I wanted a memory to warm me in the cold depths of an eternity in Hell. I wanted to know that I had touched paradise. Held her.
Finally, our lips parted and she gazed into my eyes. �Angel,� she spoke softly. �I don�t know what I�m supposed to be doing. My mind is kind of�umm�screwed,� she flinched at her choice of words, and I couldn�t help smiling slightly. It was adorable how she fumbled for logic. I raised a hand to her lips and finally spoke for the first time in what seemed like forever, �You don�t need to worry.� I couldn�t resist leaning in to kiss her lips once more. Leaning closer, I whispered in her ear, �you�re safe with me.�
She pulled her head back to look at me, and took my hand. She tilted her head slightly towards the doorway, and I didn�t protest it. I couldn�t figure anything out in this room that was filled with nothing but torment.
~~
Time with Angel seemed to fly by. He requested to read Darla�s journal, and I sat with him, surrounded by pillows on the floor in the library as he read in front of the fire. I found that I could watch Angel for what seemed like forever, and not grow bored. He simply read; flipping the pages every minute or so, and knowing that I was watching his every move yet not feeling subconscious like most other men would. Angel simply didn�t mind if I wanted to stare at him. It was almost as if he placed himself in a position so that I could study him and make up my mind about him�like he was silently giving me the space and time that I needed to decide.
**Lately I�ve been thinking
Maybe you�re not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity**
The air had begun to chill; signaling the approaching sunset. The sudden coolness had prompted me to change into some dark jeans and a baby blue peasant top.
When finally the fireplace barely gave enough light off to see the pages, Angel closed the journal and looked at me. �I can�t promise you�ll understand any of this,� he said a in a low tone. �I can�t say that I understand it myself.� He lowered his head for a moment and withdrew his hand, and then he looked back to me. �You don�t understand what it means to me, to be able to see you�� he raised a hand to cup my cheek tenderly, and I leaned into his cool palm, ��to touch you.�
�You were to be my gift,� he continued after a pause, �my redemption. The one thing that saved me.� I found that I couldn�t speak. I could only listen to the soothing tone of his voice, and try to make sense of the things he was telling me. �As Angelus, I�ve caused pain�so much pain. Usually a vampire doesn�t�their soul doesn�t remain at all. I don�t know why mine has. But every time Angelus regains control�I�m back in that place. That cold, dark place that I can�t escape. But every so often, it�s like the Gods give me a chance. A day. A day to find a reason strong enough to fight back. Like I have the strength to stay, but I haven�t had the will to use it. But Buffy, I�You�� He stopped, his voice suddenly cracking.
**They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I�ll say the same thing**
I just waited; listened. There was nothing else for me to do. Finally he finished what he was trying to say, �I prayed for you. Angelus knows that. So he took the one thing I had left to dream for. Buffy, he�s taken�� He stopped that thought, and began another, �you�re better than him. Better than me. All I want is for you to understand you have a choice to love. A choice to commit yourself to someone. Angelus tries to take your choice; make it seem like you have no option other than him�but you do. I just needed for you to know that now�I have the will to fight back. I don�t want Angelus to return to cause more pain�or have you. But if my will and my strength aren�t enough�I need you to know you have the choice to love. He can take a lot of things. But he can only have your love when you give it.�
He was silent for another moment or so, and then he whispered, �all I ever wanted was that you would give it to me.�
I leaned a little closer then, as if being closer would somehow help me to understand everything that Angel was telling me. I�d never felt such a turmoil and conflict of loyalties as I did now.
**I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won�t complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here**
Angelus had been passionate and all-consuming. When I was with him, it was all I could do to make myself breathe. I had to remind myself that my heart needed to beat when I thought of being without him, because that thought alone was enough to make me want to die a thousand deaths. Angelus was protective. I knew he�d stop anyone that ever tried to touch me. No harm could ever become me as long as he was there.
But Angel offers another form of protection. One that was almost more sacred than what Angelus offered me. Angel wanted to protect me completely; mind, body, and soul. He wanted to make sure that I knew I had the choice as to who I loved. Angelus, though passionate and attentive, hadn�t offered me the choice. He�d simply insisted that we were To Be. I had no choice, because it was fate. But Angel spoke of a promise that he had been given. I had been promised to enter his life as his redemption. He didn�t speak of owning me simply because I was promised to him. He wanted to earn my love and desire. And the way he touched me always felt so soft�like I was so precious to him. Angelus adored me; this I knew. But Angel worshipped me.
�I want you to think with your heart, Buffy,� Angel�s voice broke my thoughts. �Not your mind.� His eyes captured my own and held my gaze as if I was hypnotized. �Love isn�t all about loyalty and commitment. It�s about just feeling what your soul wants you to feel�not what it�s told to feel.�
**If you give me half a chance
I�ll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true**
�I don�t know what I want to feel,� I whispered; finally speaking. �Yesterday, I felt longing. I felt desperation. It was like I was desperate to be a part of what I was destined to be a part of. Now�the choice of this,� I raised a hand between Angel and I and dropped it, as if to represent �Us�. ��It�s like suddenly I�m allowed to decide. Just a week ago, I had decided that choice wasn�t a necessary luxury.�
�Love is all about choice, Buffy,� Angel advised. �You can�t have love without it. By loving, you are choosing to give someone that precious part of you. By loving, you are choosing to take the lover that they offer in return. You can�t simply give your heart away because you�ve been told that it�s your destiny to do so. You have to choose whether or not you want it. You have to choose to love.�
So what was my choice? Did I want the passion and obsession that came with Angelus that told me I had no choice but that it didn�t matter because choosing him was best? Or did I want the choice to love and be loved in return, not out of obligation but out of honesty and the feeling that it was what I wanted to do�not what I was �destined� to do.
At that moment, I knew what my choice was. I chose to love. I wanted to love. Not because I was told to�but because it felt right in this moment. This second felt right. I chose to love because I felt it.
**To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect�s the spirit world
And thinks with his heart**
I went with my choice.
Moving forward into Angel�s arms, I captured his lips with my own and kissed him with all the desire I felt inside of my soul, for him. It took but moments for him to respond and kiss me back. His arms wrapped tightly around my back, and he pulled me closer as I pushed him back onto the pillow-covered floor. Sliding my knees to the floor so that I straddled his hips, I deepened the kiss. His tongue met my own and I felt myself melting under his touch.
Several moments passed of just kissing, until the human need to breathe came over me and we separated lips for a moment. Angel linked his hands through my hair to hold it off my face so that he could look up into my eyes. His eyes burned into me. I had made my choice�now he had to make his. Would he choose the moment, as I had? Or would he stop me?
**I am ready for love
If you�ll take me in your hands**
He chose the moment, and pulled me down for another kiss. Moving his head to the side so that I had an easier position from which to breathe, he allowed the kiss to grow in intensity once again. Finally he took the lead, and holding me close, he rolled us slowly so that I was beneath him, and he was raised slightly above me. His lips trailed from my lips down my neck. He peppered tiny kisses all over my collarbone and shoulders. His left hand moved to raise my top slightly, and I helped him in the process of sliding it up and off of my body.
Continuing to kiss his way down my body, his hands made quick work of unzipping my jeans and sliding them down my hips until he could toss them away like my shirt. His lips were so soft as he slowly pressed them to my hip bones, and the insides of my thighs. He was driving me crazy so effortlessly. He seemed to know how slow and gentle things should be. I didn�t need to imply anything.
He took a moment to look me over; memorizing every curve of my body. I felt self-conscious, and bare�but it felt right. Being open and vulnerable to Angel felt like the right thing to do�somehow.
**I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can**
He worked his way back up my nude form until he could kiss me again. My own hands now traveled down to his shirt, and I managed to pull it over his head and toss it away, barely breaking our kiss for a moment. His pants somehow managed to come off, though I don�t really know who saw to that. All I know was that soon, he and I were both completely bare to each other�s touch.
I took some time to run my hands down the smooth, sculpted planes of his back. His muscles flexed beneath my touch as I traced my fingers over his biceps. Parting our lips, he looked down into my eyes. I raised one hand to his cheek, and the other to wrap around his neck and pull him even closer.
**
I buried my head in her neck, and tried to memorize everything about this moment. Her skin�her smile�her scent�her embrace. I wanted to remember it all, so that if ever we were apart, I could replay it in my mind during the night.
**I am ready for love**
A part of me was trying to stop what was happening. I didn�t want her so overwhelmed and consumed with confusion that she made a decision that she would later regret. But one look in her eyes, and I knew there was no regret. She was trying to remember the moment, as I was. A memory flashed through my mind of Buffy with Angelus. His thoughts echoed loudly in my head from that moment. He had enjoyed himself. There�s absolutely no doubt that they had both enjoyed it�but Angelus hadn�t had the compassion and sense of self to try to memorize the moment. If he thought back to it now, it was probably just a blur of passion.
**
I raised a hand and lifted Angelus� head from my neck to look up into his eyes. He looked down at me; his gaze was questioning and slightly awe-filled. At the unspoken question, I nodded my head and smiled faintly. Pulling his head down for a kiss, I felt Angel begin to enter me. My first time had been just last night, and it was still painful now, but Angel was moving so slowly that I barely felt the pain, and before I knew it he was entirely inside of me.
He stopped to look down at me, and I swear he was about to cry. I was so overwhelmed by the depth of the moment, that I could barely remember my name�not that it mattered at the moment. I captured Angel�s lips for another heavy kiss that took my breath away. His tongue caressed my own�soothing�calming, as he withdrew from my body and thrust in gently once more.
**Here with an offering of�*
Moving into a slow rhythm that hit me in all the right places, Angel continued to lay kisses all over my skin. I raised a hand to massage down his back; the muscles tensing with every movement of his body. My free hand massaged the back of his head as he kissed me every where. Oh God he was gorgeous. So intense. So dark yet so beautiful. And there was no denying my attraction to him. He barely needed to touch me for there to be a river running between my thighs.
**My voice**
His left hand traveled down to my breast, and he began to massage it gently as he continued the gentle rhythm that was slowly driving me out of my senses. His tongue traveled down my neck until he reached the patch of skin above my jugular. He licked at the skin there, and I moaned with the increased stimulation that provided me. Moving on, he nibbled on my earlobe tenderly, the wet nibbling sensation making me shudder and shiver beneath his hands.
**My Eyes**
He looked into my eyes then, and silently confessed, �I dreamed that you�d love me.� His words were haunting, almost startling. Instead of being told that it was destiny for my love to be given�now I heard that the reality of it had only been a dream that he thought was too grand to be true. I kissed him softly; a kiss of delicate embrace and sensitive emotion that sent shudders throughout us both. His rhythm increased as I began to moan beneath his weight.
**My soul**
�Angel,� I whispered in a breathy voice as his rhythm increased yet again, driving me closer to the edge and closer to completion. �I want to love you,� my spoken whisper drove Angel to an even greater pace than before. My hands glided over his back as he thrust into me. His rhythm got harder�faster�deeper. Soon I could barely contain myself and my excitement. With one more stroke, he pushed me over the edge and into oblivion. I let out a light shriek that Angel caught with his lips as he kissed me until I could barely breathe. Everything was spinning. Everything was black. He was close to the edge; I could feel it.
**My mind**
And finally I felt him peak. His rhythm sped even more for just a moment, and as it did I found myself being pushed into a second orgasm as the first was just starting to end. I cried out once more, and bit down on his neck as I came. This seemed to drive him even crazier as my blunt teeth left a mark in his cold skin. I could hear him grinding his teeth, resisting the urge to bite into me. I wanted him to bite me. I wanted him to take all of me�but I resisted the urge to pull his head to my neck so that he could taste me. I knew it was the last thing he wanted to do with all that had gone on today.
**Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love**
Everything calmed then. It slowed and when I opened my eyes, it was to look up into Angel�s tender face. He had tears forming behind his eyes, and I smiled softly at him. He leaned down and kissed me gently�a sign of promise and reassurance. It was all I needed to complete the moment.
This time was different then the last�Angel was still here. I had time to catch my breath. I had time to take it all in. And I found that when I did�I wanted to cry. I bit my lower lip to stop the tears from falling, and looked into his eyes. His weight was a comfort as he covered me with his body.
We were silent as we held each other�not wanting to break the moment or the mood. The silence was all that we needed to here. The flickering light of the fireplace danced off our skin, shadowing his gorgeous facial features as he looked down at me. His eyes were so dark, and for a moment�there was no pain in them. No remorse. No regret. No sorrow over what he had done. His eyes were peaceful�tender�and loving. What was I going to do now? Love the demon?�or the beauty of the soul?
**I am ready�**
~~
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