Holding Buffy; I held everything. I watched her as she slept, held safely in the arms of peaceful dreams of a world that I could only hope she would want me in for the rest of forever, with her. Every moment I was near to her, was like a taste of the heaven that I had never thought my tongue could feel. She made me think in ways that I had never felt the need to think. It was as if, with Buffy by my side...I could have hope for something more than my eternal darkness. I could have hope for love.
For life.
So how could I live without her now? The question of my immortality.-My changelessness.-Is always on my mind.
How will she honestly want to deal with it now that she knows? Will she tell me we can be together until the day she dies? Will she let me bring her in to the land of immortal life? Will she ask then that all of her family join us in kind, so that she won't have to watch everyone she loves...cares about, die off like a species?
Like I had to?
I could never wish that on her. I care for her too much to wish such a pain, such a cruel world upon her beautiful shoulders.
The most painful thing in all of this universe and beyond, is to watch the world you love: fade and die in to a new world. Then, when you grasp that new world and learn to love it: you must watch it fade and die once again, never allowing you a moment's rest of satisfaction and peace. You must eternally be ready for every moment of piece and joy, to simply end. How could I tell Buffy that?
But more importantly than all of this is...Would I allow myself to take the light of this precious glow that she is?
Stealing Buffy to the night would be so simple, so easy, and I knew she wouldn't object. But then there would be the Aftermath of my actions. She would have to live without children, without sun, and without the warmth that I so adore about her.
She stirred beside me, and I pulled her closer, whispering sweet promises of an eternity filled with love, in her ear. I knew I could never let her go, but I knew that it would be the hardest action of my existence to keep her. Worse than admitting to her who I was, and how desperately I needed her by my side. The guilt that was weighing me down brought out the deep, brooding side to my conscience that I fought so hard not to show when I was around her.
Buffy did this to me. She made me feel.
Blinking her eyes to force herself to the surface of consciousness, she looked up at me. "Where are we?" she asked in a soft, hesitant voice.
"I moved us to the bedroom when you fell asleep," I told her, kissing her forehead with a soft kiss that I hoped she could read the promise in.
**
I shut my eyes to savour the feeling of his lips pressed tenderly to my skin. It was so amazing to feel Angelus-such a strong, dark creature-kissing me with such love and adoration. For the millionth time since I met him, I wondered how I'd lived for so long without him. How did I get from day to day without him there for me?
His arms were so warm around me, despite how cold he really was. So strong and warm. So safe. She felt so protected when she was with Angelus. It was like nothing else she'd ever felt with her high-walled security and guards back home. This was true safety. Passionate and all-consuming love fueled his desire to keep her safe. I knew he'd never let anyone harm me...Not even himself. No, ESPECIALLY not himself.
I could do nothing but cling to him, and hope to God that he never let me go.
Somehow sensing what I was thinking, he pushed my hair back from my face, running his fingers through it again and again. The sensation was so dizzying. He smelled so familiar, and his arms felt so much like being home. How could they ever part now that she knew what perfection felt like? What desire was? I suddenly wanted to cry at the thought that I could ever be without him.
"You're shaking," he whispered in my ear, kissing my love gently. All I could do in response was nod. "Tell me what to do. I'll do anything to make it right, Buffy."
Those words made my soul sing. I looked up at him, biting my lip to keep it from trembling, and at the same time remind him that it was there to be kissed. "Stay with me. Stay with me forever." My voice broke as I asked him. No-not asked. Begged. I'm strong. I know I'm strong. But my love for him is so much stronger. So I would beg him if I had to. "Stay with me forever. And kiss me."
That was all it took to convince him.
The moonlight made the bedroom silvery and bright. I could see his face so clearly, and I knew it was the same for him. He could see me anywhere. The light from the window shone down on the bed like a spotlight, illuminating their movements as I trailed my hands down his hips. He raised himself up on to his forearms, pressing a tender kiss to my brow and smiling when I sighed in contentment.
Rolling this time, he moved so that I straddled him. I was wet instantly, as if I had never fully recovered from the heights of passion he brought to me just hours before. This new position he placed me in, unnerved me for a moment, but only for a moment. Being with Angelus, I trusted him completely. He'd never make me do anything I wouldn't find pleasure in. He'd never let me feel pain. So as his hands lifted my hips with aching tenderness, I smiled down at him.
I felt so possessed as his hands held my flesh so securely, sliding me down on his steel-hard erection with gentle ease. His barely-audable moan sounded quietly in my ear, and I smiled at the proof of his desire for me. This joining was so perfect-so natural-that it brought the tears back to my eyes again.
As he guided my rhythm, rising and falling with a tender stride, he sat up, pulling me closer. I kissed him again; roughly. I knew there was no possibility that I could feel shame or humility for behaving like such a wanton with Angelus, so I allowed my needy side free reign over my attitude and character, and he smiled appreciatively.
Angelus groaned as he moved beneath me, as close to his own release as I was to mine. As I looked down into his eyes, as I watched the emotions play across his face; I knew this was the only thing I wanted. This was what my idea of eternity in Heaven had been.
My mind, knowing that rationalization wouldn't give this much concentration, added the thought:This is what you can have, if you give up your life.
Angelus reached between us, touching me, sending me over the edge as he gazed into my eyes. I kept my eyes open and let him see everything that I was feeling, the sweet intensity of the pleasure he gave me, the limitless passion I had for him, the strength of our love. I didn't have to say the words, for they were there in my eyes for him to see if he wanted to. He could know if he looked.
And he looked.
I'd never thought that I would fall in love like this. I'd always thought there were two types of love. The first kind, where you grew exceptionally fond of someone, and allowed yourself to marry them and build a life and a family. Then there was the love I'd never thought I'd have the luck to feel. This love fueled your every desire, your every wish. This was a love that would steal me away like a dream-taking me where it wanted to go, and not where I thought was right.
His own release followed immediatly as he continued to push in to me, drawing out every pleasure from every nerve ending three times over.
I found that for a moment, I blacked out, and when I opened my eyes again, I was no longer straddling his waist, but laying next to him. His hand was stroking over me tenderly, possessively, fueling the knowledge that he loved me as deeply and obsessively as I was loving him.
He was still hard for me, but he made no move to sate himself. He was so tender in his actions, that I had no doubt that his own pleasure was second to mine, in his eyes.
But that was just Angelus. He cared for me, and no one else. If I wasn't careful, I knew that could create an extremely dangerous man.
**
"Where do we go from here?" she asked me, her eyes watching me closely to read and detect my every movement.
I thought a moment. What should I say? Should I suggest my plans? Should I ask her how she would feel about eterntiy? How could I drop this brick of information in to her mind, without making her fear it?
"We go to eternity," I finally whispered, shutting my eyes against her skin in a silent prayer that she wouldn't laugh or reject me. In over two hundred years, I hadn't felt fear of rejection, but now here it was...Laughing at me as it lingered throughout every fibre of my being. Mocking me.
But Buffy chased it away with a tender smile, "but what should I pack?"
I wanted to smile, and hug her, and kiss her, but I had to know if she was serious. If she truly wanted my dark existence as her own. "Buffy, immortality is...Painful. Not just the act, but the life. You can't have the joy of simply knowing your world, because what you think is your world-can be taken from you in a second and replaced by a new era. Nothing stays the same except you."
"What about love?" she asked seriously. "Would your love fade after a year? Adecade? A century? A millenium? After I make this choice, would there ever be a time when you wouldn't want me? I mean, how can I know for sure that you've never done this before? In some other life time."
"I've never known love," I told her. "But I'm loving you so much that I can't imagine ever letting myself lose you to time."
She smiled, tears glistening behind her eyes. "I trust you. I want to be with you...But what about..." She trailed off as she broke eye contact with me.
I knew what she was thinking of. "Your family," I finished for her, my gaze darkening. My mood changing.
"How would they ever understand?" she asked.
"They won't," I surprised her with my answer. I knew she wanted reassurance that they would, but I couldn't hide the truth from her with a candy glaze...As much as I'd like to. "Buffy, no one can ever understand...Because they can never know. What I am...It's not something people can just accept. If there's one thing that I've learned in my long existence, it's this...People reject the unfamiliar. The things they can't understand immediatly. That's just the way they are."
I took her hand, and traced my fingers over her knuckles. "Buffy, if you chose to stay with me, you know I'd love you forever. Even when the earth stops spinning. I'll never stop. But your friends, your family...They can't understand that. Everything eventually leaves you in this world. Everything dies. The only thing I can promise you with all of my soul...Is that I won't." I looked in to her eyes, kissing her hand tenderly.
I saw that she understood. Her fear and uncertainty were still there, but they were disguised with her trust. Her peace with the answer. It seemed that she could comprehend the situation without the predisposition that most people in her position would carry to reject the offer of eternal life.
"We'd have to leave, wouldn't we?" she spoke with understanding.
It wasn't a question, really, but I answered it as if it was. "Yes." I took a moment to think of how to talk through this. "Buffy, if you accepted my existence, and your father found out about it...About me...He'd want me dead, and he'd go to great lengths to attempt to restore what you used to be. I'd be gone, you'd be empty, and no one would look at you like you were just the same old Buffy. I know you love your family, your friends...But you'd be leaving them behind if you and I were together. I can't take the chance of having you, and losing you. I'd rather die."
"I'll go with you anywhere," she confessed. "Anywhere you are, is where I want to be."
"But?" I prompted. There was always a But.
"I don't know," she sighed. "I need to know a few things about my life...About me. Before I go giving it up. I'm not asking you to wait, Angelus," as she spoke I stiffened.
She thought I'd leave her? Crazy.
But then she added, "I'm TELLing you to wait. Don't take me yet. Just stay with me. Let me have this now. We'll worry about the future when we get to it. Is that a reasonable suggestion, or not? Cause if you think it's not right-then I'll go with you right now and I won't look back. I swear I will."
I smiled softly. "I'd wait forever for you, Buffy..." Then I added truthfully. "But I don't know if I can. I might have to take you sooner than you're ready. I'm sorry, but...Now that I've accepted my selfish wants, I can't ignore them."
"All I want is you."
Her eyes didn't show surprise. In a way, I think she was expecting it.
But would she accept it?
**
"What do you mean?" I asked, despite the fact that I knew exactly what he was talking about. "Take me? How? What are you talking about, Angelus?" I turned so that I could look him straight in the eye.
"Buffy, I've been solemn and misunderstood for over two hundred years. Meeting you has changed everything. I don't think I can wait, to have you as my own. I need to be all you have. I need to be your everything," he told me.
"You are!" I protested.
"Not like that," he said, shaking his head. "Your friends, your family...They don't care about you like I do, Buffy. When you see that, you'll understand what I need to be to you. I'm going to be all you have one day, Buffy Summers. And I can't wait for that day to come. I can't just wait for it. I need it now."
My eyes widened. "Are you telling me that if I told you to wait-you wouldn't? You'd kidnap me? Take me as your...Your...Love slave? Your prisoner?" When he said nothing, I gathered the sheets around my chest and sat up. Avoiding his gaze, I continued, "Angelus, I have a family! I have a life! I love you, but I want my life too. If I didn't have so many people-so many things in my life, that I love so much, it would be different. But I do." I turned to look at him. He laid there, looking as beautiful as any creature could look-from the night or the day. "I have things keeping me here."
He held out his arms to me then, and with the knowledge that I'd gotten through, I went to him. I cuddled in to his chest, and as his hands stroked over my back, I heard him whisper his response.
"Not for long."
~~