I woke up with a start, my mind suddenly open and ready. What had woken me up? I had been having the most wonderful dream about Angelus, and suddenly it was like something had smacked me and forced me to deal with reality. Surely the dream wasn't to blame for my sudden need to wake.
I glanced to my window, and frowned. Why did I have such a compelling urge to go look out my window? What was out there that made me so curious all of a sudden? I could only hope to God that there wasn't a serial killer or such waiting below for me with a gun in hand; ready to be fired the moment that I went to my window to see what was going on.
I pulled back my thick duvet covers, and slid to the floor as quietly as possible. I glanced down at my ensemble, and rushed to straighten my tank-top and shorts. It seemed that while I slept, things just started popping out.
Taking my time being quiet, I walked to the window. I restrained my desires to turn on a light to let anyone-if there was anyone down there-know that I was up.
I took a deep breath, and stepped up to the window. Looking out, my eyes widened at the sight before me. Angelus was down below. I could see his car parked a ways down the drive way. He was pacing back and forth, and he looked like he was talking to himself. Perhaps he was just mouthing words, but it still looked odd enough. What was he doing here so late? Surely, if I'd forgot my purse or something, he'd wait until it was daylight to bring it back.
Nonetheless, I wanted to know why he was here. I grabbed a zip-up sweat shirt, and struggled it on as I slipped in to my sandals. I crept from my room with practiced ease, and rounded the corner of the hallway.
Down the stairs and to the front door. I stopped momentarily to ask myself if this was smart. What if he'd had a mental break down? After all, he IS standing outside my room in the middle of the night, talking to himself. But now, Angelus is so stable and refined. Something must have happened. Something must have come up. With that reassurance in mind, I punched in the security codes to unlock the front door, and opened it up wide.
**
I could tell the moment that she woke up, but for some reason I didn't listen to the rational voice in my head that told me to leave before she saw me. I had to see her. I had to get this all out now. I had to tell her how she was affecting me, and how wrong it was to let her affect me. I had to tell Buffy Summers, the woman who I found I was so desperately needing, that I could never see her again.
Then I had to go.
I had to disappear. Maybe go back to Ireland for a few years and spend some time in the monasteries with the monks. Maybe go to a university and teach. Anywhere. Anything. As long as it doesn't involve Buffy Summers.
I shook my head and put a hand to my forehead. What was I thinking? I should have atleast waited until a decent hour. But no, I needed to do this now so that she could start to forget about me. I needed to get this over with, so that I could start to put her in my past.
She had to become a memory to me.
There was no way in this existence, that I would allow myself to love and be loved, by such a beautiful, pure creature as Buffy Summers. But then again, I wanted it so badly.
She appeared at the doorway minutes later, looking as perfect as an angel could in her shorts and tank top, with that sweat shirt unzipped. My mind was filled with second thoughts. Maybe a letter would have been easier. Sure that was cruel and unjust, but she was good enough to know me, maybe she'd understand.
But it was too late now.
My heart surged towards her, and without a word she steps out of her home, completely trusting me with her safety, her soul, and her heart. Now. I need to get this done and over with NOW.
"Buffy, I can't see you again," I said in a solid voice.
She raised an eyebrow and looked at me awkwardly, "then what are you doing here? It kinda looks like you're seeing me right now."
"No, it's...Complicated. Extremely complicated." As I spoke, she started to step towards me. I didn't back up, but my voice got quieter with tension and nerves as she stepped close. I could smell her. That unique scent that told me years of knowledge.
"What is?" she asked, looking up at me curiously. Her eyes were misted slightly, like she was trying hard to figure me out in the dim haze of sleep that still surrounded her from the dreams she had been having.
"I came to see you to tell you I can't see you. Buffy, this has to end right here and now before you get hurt. I can't let you in to my life, because there's no place for you there." The hurt in her eyes was apparent as I spoke those last words, but she was too strong to back away without a reason.
Her voice began to shake with hurt as she asked, "there's no place in your heart...For me to love you?"
I felt my own heart-cold and ancient as it may be-break in half at the look in her eyes, and the raw emotion in her voice. I so wanted to be a part of her. I wanted her to be a part of me. But that's why I need to leave. I tried to remind myself that a beast such as I-a demon-could never love her fully. I have no heart to give. I have no life for her to live with me. My heart doesn't beat.
"I have to go now," I tried to tell her. "I have to...To walk away." I turned then, trying to get away from her as fast as I possibly could. I had to leave, and I had to leave now. There was no way I could stay.
But she stopped me, her hand reaching out to touch my arm with gentle tenderness. "Angelus, please," she begged, her heart and her voice breaking, and the tears in her eyes shining like diamonds. Bitter diamonds.
I stopped, though I should have kept going. That moment was all she needed to act. It took about three seconds for comprehension to kick in, that yes, she was kissing me, and I stood there like an idiot, unable to react.
But when realization dawned, reaction was close behind. I pulled her hard against me in an embrace that had absolutely nothing to do with leaving, and everything to do with the fact that I'd wanted to be inside of her since the moment I'd first laid eyes on her delicate body, and beautiful eyes.
I kissed her ravenously, angling my head to unhale her completely, meeting and matching her explosion of passion. The sensation of her tongue thrust boldly in to my mouth was completely knee weakening, and I felt us both sway. I pressed her more completely against me, my hands cupping her softly rounded rear end, kissing her harder and harder. She made a low moan in the back of her throat that accurately expressed everything that I was feeling at the exact moment.
She tasted like fire to me, hot and sweet, like my idea of heaven. Her hands slid up over my chest, gripping me tightly as her thigh pressed in to my leg, her message unmistakable. I knew I was gone the moment that I smelled her sweet arousal. I was dead and over with.
It wasn't a question that she asked, but I answered it anyways, whispering against her lips as I panted for the breath I did not need, "yes."
Her kisses were all the invitation I needed to run my hands up under the edge of her tank top, to touch the amazing smoothness of her skin, to gently cup the fullness of her breasts. She again made that soft, sexy noise, pressing herself more completely in to my hand and driving me insane with want.
I pulled her back with me in to the dark shadows, alongside the house. Catching her already taut nipple between my thumb and my forefingerwith one hand, and lifting her up against me with the other, I felt like heaven could exist. It was here, in Buffy's arms, and I had finally died. After centuries of waiting, I had finally died. She spread her legs to me, and I pressed myself between them, fitting the hardness of my arousal against her softness, pressing her back against the hard walls of the house.
"Angelus," she gasped. "Please..."
She reached between us, shocking us both as she unfastened the top button to my pants, unzipping them before I could stop her. Dear Christ, they were outside of her house! But then she touched me. Polite, refined, beautiful-as-perfection Buffy Summers had her hand down my pants in the shadows of the night. Dear God, somebody please pinch me and wake me up. This had to be a dream.
But as she stroked me, caressed me, I knew this was no dream, but quite possible the best reality I'd ever experienced. She was being unabashadly direct about what she wanted, completely oblivious to the rest of the world. When she released me, it was only to attempt to take down her shorts. I pulled back slightly, and stopped her, catching her hands and looking in to her eyes.
"Buffy," I whispered, breathing hard as I gazed at her through the mists of the darkness that surrounded our vision.
"Please Angelus," she whispered, leaning her forehead against my chest. "Can we go inside? Cause I'm doing to..."
Oh yes. I knew.
~~
I closed the door quietly by leaning on it, already tugging at Angelus' shirt to have it off, well aware that he was in the process of removing me from my own. Removing clothing was next to impossible, however, when we kept kissing. But I couldn't break this kiss. I wouldn't. I needed it too much. If I let go of Angelus, there was no telling what might happen. What if he left me?
He wanted her. Now. That was apparent in his actions, and Buffy couldn't help thinking how wine had never tasted as good as it did on Angelus' lips.
**
I slid my hands over her now-bare chest, filling my hands with the fullness of her. I knew I was touching her with just the right amount of gentle roughness. I broke from her lips at last, granting her a chance to breathe, but not wasting any time in sliding down her body to draw her nipple hungrily into my mouth.
Her shorts were so loose that they fell right off, much like the rest of the clothing they had originally been wearing. Buffy was exquisitely naked before me, but she was getting frantic. She was working herself in to a state of need. Mindless need. I knew, because I was already there. In fact, I'd been there since the moment I first laid eyes on her.
**
His hands skimmed my body, slightly rough against my skin, touching me everywhere but where I wanted to be touched. His teasing appeal was beginning to aggravate me, and I groaned in frustration, pouting my lips and furrowing my brow. Finally I took control, grabbing his hand and moving it directly between my thighs.
I'd spent quite a bit of time memorizing Angelus' eyes, but when he looked up at me in the darkness, I suddenly felt like I was looking at a stranger from the intensity that was reflected back at me in his gaze. But then he smiled softly to reassure me, and he was Angelus again.
He touched me, softly at first, then harder, deeper, stroking me with just the tip of his finger, his smile fading as he watched my eyes, as he looked down at me, naked in his arms. His touch felt dileriously good, but it still wasn't enough for me. I needed more. I was missing something. I shifted my hips, drawing his finger more completely inside of me, and sighing.
"Angelus, can we..." I trailed off, unsure of what to say.
He stood then, and led me to the bed. Laying me down gently, his hands stroked over my skin ever so lightly. "I don't want to rush this," he whispered to me, his voice seductive and husky in my ear. His arms held me. It didn't seem possible that arms that big, that powerful, could be so gentle. But he was in no way hurting me with his strong embrace. Merely encouraging my arousal.
I could feel him hard against my thigh as he kissed me again. His mouth was so soft as he kissed my lips, my neck, my breast...
It only took the smallest adjustment of my body, and he slid inside. I was so lost in the sensations of Angelus' touch that when the pain shot through my veins, I barely even reacted. He kept his gaze glued to my own as he slid in with aching slowness. His face was filled with intensity and concern, and I knew he was workign to restrain himself from pounding in to me.
It took me a few moments to realize that he was in all the way, and that he was still, waiting for me to give him some sign that I was okay. I leaned up and kissed him, hoping that he wouldn't make me form actual words to describe what I was feeling and tell him what I wanted. Even though I knew this was all I wanted, I didn't think I'd be able to find the brain power to tell him so.
As we ksised, I felt him draw out of my body, and enter again ever so slowly, ever so gently. The pain was less this time, and I felt the beginning sparks of pleasure as he did it again. And again...And again...
**
As I kissed Buffy, as I claimed her as my own, I allowed my soul to be damned to Hell for the billionth time since I awoke this morning. I allowed the devil to claim my spirit and all that I was. But then it also felt like something was fighting him back when I stopped protecting myself. I realized then that Buffy was fighting the devil for possession of my soul, and I began to pray to Gods that I had stopped believing in many years ago, that just maybe she would win out.
Gazing down at her beautiful face, watching the display of emotions on her features, I wanted to see her eyes. "Buffy," I whispered, panting heavily. "Buffy, look at me." Her eyes shot open, and the fire in her depths made me soar with excitement. This was divine. This was sacred. This was perfect.
This was Buffy.
The soft noises she made were sexy as Hell, driving me further as she sighed my name in that timid yet scandalously sensual voice of hers. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I'd felt so...Alive. So real. So natural.
Her smile was tremulous, but it WAS a smile. As she reached up to touch my face, the tears were shining in her eyes as I made sweet love to her. She fought them back. I would have expected no less. She was being strong, despite the amount of emotion passing between us with every stroke.
She was so amazing. So strong. Such a fascinating blend of hard and soft, gentle and harsh. And insecurity. Her beliefs that she was imperfect were perhaps the most perfect thing about her. As I gazed down at her, my chest felt uncomfortably tight. I realized then that I'd fallen in love. I realized then that I would give anything for Buffy Summers. I would die for her again and again, if only to know she existed.
Her inner walls began to flutter then, and she moaned in satisfaction as pleasure began to ripple through her body. I reached between us, pressing lightly against her pleasure to draw out her climax as I joined her in ecstacy.
Through the loud roar of her heart beat, I heard her call out my name in that breathless voice, and my mind shot down to her neck. I leaned down, licking over her throbbing jugular. She seemed to be urging me as she continued to climax, encouraging me, "yes...Yes. Please."
My mind shot in to focus right before my fangs pierced her skin. I hid my face in her shoulder and waited to calm myself as we together drifted down from paradise, to this normal plane of existence where I knew she didn't belong...Much like I didn't belong, but in a different way.
"Buffy," I whispered in to her skin, and felt consciousness receding.
As I slipped in to the darkness, it dawned on me that I was taking her with me, and by now...I was too far gone in our love, to let her go.