12/24/2005

So, my story begins, long, long ago, about a year.

I was once with this girl Brigit, things I suppose were never going well. As soon as we seemed to really find our, what appeared to be true, feelings for each other, I had to move to B.C.

It was the choice; Stay in Winnipeg, and watch my life drift away to the drugs and the dead end jobs. Go to B.C, quit the dope, find a path, get a good job. Though there were factors, such as Brigit. What would become of us?

Me and Brigit dated twice before things just got all fucked up, and we lost communication once I dated Kyla. She resented Kyla very much. But Kyla was shipped off to Headingly for 3 months, and right after she was due to get back, I was due to leave to B.C. I called up Brigit and I told her that I was moving, I just wanted her to know.

A few weeks before I was to leave Winnipeg, I get a phone call, it was Brigit. She was really drunk, and almost incoherent. She was babbling and crying and vomiting, telling me she loved me, and she didn't want me to go. She would put me on hold when she started to vomit.

I was on hold for 5 minutes, and the phone line went dead. Moments latter my Dr. DxM arrived. He gave me a ride to Brigit's home, where I let myself in through the back door and down to the basement, as he sat in the backyard smoking a joint, dealing with the fact that he just rammed his car into the back of some guys truck.

This is where I found her. Face down on the toilet bowl, hand reached over the toilet, a static noise emanating from the inside. As I looked in I saw vomit and a telephone. I checked to make sure she was still breathing, she was. I then bare handed the phone out of the toilet and put it into the sink. Then sat behind Brigit, and put my arms around her and pulled her over to the wall, so she could sit up and lean on me.

She gained enough consciousness to look at me, in the eyes, tears on her cheeks, and said Alex I love you.

I'll be damned if I didn't say the same back. I did love her.

About two weeks ago (December 2004), I went into my room, and I pulled out my old computer. (the one I used in Winnipeg) I set it up and turned it on, deleted many programs, but came across this letter, it was titled good-bye. I couldn't remember what it was, so I opened it up.

It had been an e-mail from Brigit, written week(s) before I moved to B.C. It was her telling me about her feelings, how what she saw in me, the beautiful things you are told by a person who has your affection, and who's affection is cast upon you.

In this e-mail, as well as others, it was set pretty clearly that she wanted to still be with me. I made a vow to her, that I would come back, and take her away, and we could be happy, together. She, at the time, loved this idea, it had become our dream.

Things were going well for the first month, into the second she had told me she was attracted to another person, and this, upset me, though we were not a couple, in the true sense, it upset me.

I then made a visit to Winnipeg and saw her. It felt so good to be with her again. But like all good things it had to end, I left back for B.C.

A little over a month later, she told me she had kissed another person, this really destroyed me, but we talked, and things got better.

Until she told me she fucked some guy in the back of a church. Back to square one you may say. We started to really get distant at this time; I was speaking to her, maybe three times a week. The rest of the time I was alone. She asked me once if I felt I was being neglected. I said no. I lied to her.

A week after that, I told her, yes, I feel neglected, she got upset at this. She told me that she feels so alone when she's not out doing things with her friends, when she is just sitting on the computer. I told her, when she is alone, is the only time I am not.

From this time on, I don't know what is truth, and what is lies. She would randomly fuck and get with other men. She said around September, that she still loved me, and that I was now her boyfriend. I didn't object. She then told me that she gave head to something like two other guys, one of which being her best friends ex, whom at the time she was still destroyed over. She made friends with an older man, and tried to tell me nothing would ever happen, though after words she told me they had been having sex, after I ended out 'relationship' I should add.

We grew to kind of lament each other.

By this time, I had a plane ticket set up for me to come and visit her again. This ended up being one of my worst trips ever. Brigit had some books of mine, which I went to her house to retrieve. She had sprayed them with perfume, which was confirmed by both me, B.J, Allan, and B.J's mother. There's no way books can smell like that, even if it's in a room with that smell. (I was later informed that the perfume had spilled off her dresser)

She phoned me and said she wanted to talk to me. I saw her on Halloween. I couldn't look at her. I only gave her a poem. I then left. She went to give me a hug, but I couldn't hold her back.

The Poem;
As blue as the sky gets
As green as you eyes are
As white as your skin is
As black as your hair was
As black as the night gets
Now
Everything is gray
And I just drift away
There's nothing left to say
Please I just wan't to make this stop
Now I have no where to run
Now I have no place to hide
I thought I had it all
But it wasn't good enough
Life just wasn't fair for the two of us
Tried to go back to how it was before
Thought I lost everything
Then I lost a whole lot more

In this time of, not talking, and awkwardness. I met up with one of my ex-girlfriends Kyla, whom Brigit is very jealous of and really hates. One thing had let to another, and with Brigit out of the picture, or so it seemed, I decided to get over it and move on.

Days after that visit I got a letter from Brigit. I cannot recall what it was that did it, but I felt I had to see her again. So I did. And when I saw her, I kissed her, and I was happy again. Everything drifted away, and it didn't even bother me when she told me about the guys she fucked.

I saw her another two times, and one of which we fooled around. This I must add was the first time we had ever fooled around. In 9 months of our on/off type relation, this was the first, and only.

I left Winnipeg, once again. When I got back to B.C I talked to Brigit again. We decided to base our relationship on a see what happens basis.

Two days after arriving Brigit tells me a story about her night, of her going to Mikes house, getting drunk, and fucking him on some train tracks. I deal with it. Swallow my feelings. She then starts going off about this new guy she met.

Jason, who she had only known for 6 hours. She was infatuated with him, and was so upset that he had left, she said, 'I should have fucked him, then maybe he would have called me' I then said, you don't have to be a whore to make guys like you, she said, I wasn't her mother. That right pissed me off, I then said, you are better then that. She said, having sex doesn't make you a whore. I said, well if it's with more then 3 guys in one month I think that's starting to bridge the gap. She then told me that she fucked 7 guys, in the first three weeks of November alone.

Your not who I though you were, please, block and delete me, I don't want to hear from you again. Goodbye.

What should have been my last words to her.

Two nights later, she calls me, asks me if you can get AIDS from giving head. I told her chances are no. Hung up.

Less then a week later she called, said she had to tell me something, I asked why she was calling, she said you can give me two fucking seconds. She said I love you. I said ok, and hung up on her.

Perhaps a week or two after that, she calls me. She sounded drunk, but clamed that she wasn't, She said that she was very happy, I said good for her, she then said that she hopes I get AIDS or get Kyla pregnant and have it ruin my life, you can thank B.J for that she spat. She then said I hope I live a miserable life, and she hopes I never get into the military. She also seemed to say, that now since I was out of her life, she is happy, she blamed me for her depression. I shrugged it off, I kept most of my opinion to myself, accept for her very, BAD points, like saying I only wanted her to stay at home and talk to me instead of go out and have a good time. (Look above for that, I never once said stay at home)

She hung up on me. And I haven't heard from her, nor checked her live journal (that took effort though).

The story doesn't end there, but for the readers it does. Only me and the people I want to know will know what has happened in the 2 month span we weren't talking. I can tell you. It's not a happy story.

what'll you do when you get lonely
and nobody's waiting by your side?
you've been running and hiding much too long
you know it's just your foolish pride

layla you've got me on my knees
layla I'm begging, darling please
layla darling won't you ease my worried mind

I tried to give you consolation
when your old man had let you down
like a fool I fell in love with you
turned my whole world upside down

layla you've got me on my knees
layla I'm begging, darling please
layla darling won't you ease my worried mind

let's make the best of the situation
before I finally go insane
please don't say we'll never find a way
and tell me all my love's in vain

layla you've got me on my knees
layla I'm begging, darling please
layla darling won't you ease my worried mind

layla you've got me on my knees
layla I'm begging, darling please
layla darling won't you ease my worried mind