WELL, ONE DAY I GO OVER THERE AND MY CHILDREN TELL ME SOMETHING. THEY TOLD ME THIS BOYDRIEND OF HERS HAD BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSING THEM. I TOOK THEM TO ANOTHER BABYSITTER AND WENT BY THE BAR AND GOT A BASEBALL BAT. ACTUALLY IT WAS THE END OF A BASEBALL BAT THAT WE KEPT BEHIND THE BAR. I CALLED HIM AND TOLD HIM THAT HE HAD 10 MINUTES TO MEET ME OR I WOULD TELL MY COUSIN EVERYTHING. HE SAID NO. SO HERE I GO, I LEFT THE BAR, AND A FRIEND OF MINE JUMPED IN THE CAR WITH ME. I TOLD HIM STAY OUT OF IT, BECAUSE IT WAS NO CONCERN OF HIS, BUT HE CAME ALONG ANYWAY. I GOT TO HIS HOUSE AND I STUCK THAT BAT BEHIND MY BACK IN MY JEANS. I WENT IN AND ASKED HIM WHERE SHE [MY COUSIN] WAS? I CALLED A FEW PLACES LOOKING FOR HER, BUT COULDN�T FIND HER ANYWHERE. HE WALKED BY ME WHILE I WAS ON THE PHONE AND SAID, �IF YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH YOU WILL BE THE ONE IN TROUBLE.� THAT WAS ALL THE PROOF I NEEDED. I CAME OUT WITH THAT BASEBALL BAT AND WE WENT AT IT. THEN I LEFT THERE AND TOOK THE KIDS DOWNTOWN TO THE POLICE DEPARTMENT. IT WAS A LONG, DRAWN OUT, PAINFUL CASE. STILL, THAT DIDN'T WAKE ME UP. I WENT TO JAIL A COUPLE OF TIMES BECAUSE OF HIM, BECAUSE WHENEVER I SAW HIM, IN A BAR OR WHEREVER, USUALLY HE LEFT IN AN AMBULANCE. HE WAS SENTENCED TO 3 & 1/2 YEARS IN PRISON FOR WHAT HE DID TO MY KIDS, THEN I FOUND OUT THAT WAS WHY HE DIDN'T SEE HIS OWN KIDS. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE HAD ANY!
IT PUT A WEDGE BETWEEN MY COUSIN AND ME. SHE MARRIED HIM WHILE HE WAS IN PRISON. SHE DIED THIS YEAR. I THANK GOD THAT WE MADE UP. EVEN MY KIDS FORGAVE HER. SHE GOT HER HEART RIGHT WITH GOD A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO, AND SHE KNEW DEEP DOWN IT WAS TRUE WHAT HE HAD DONE. SHE WENT THROUGH PURE HELL WITH THIS MAN TOO. THE LAST 6 MONTHS OF MY COUSIN�S LIFE, MY SISTER WAS THERE FOR HER. WHILE SHE WAS IN HOSPICE, HER BOYFRIEND ONLY WENT TO SEE HER TO COLLECT HER CHECK. HE IS A CRACKHEAD AND HAS BEEN FOR 5 OR 6 YEARS. I MY KIDS THAT IF HE CAME TO THE FUNERAL, THEY SHOULD JUST IGNORE HIM, BUT HE DID NOT EVEN SHOW UP.
WELL I KEPT ON WITH MY WAY OF LIVING. I GOT TO THE POINT OF HAVING BLACKOUTS. I WOULD REMEMBER THE FIRST OF THE EVENING AND I WOULD REMEMBER THE LAST BUT NOT IN BETWEEN. PEOPLE WOULD TELL ME THINGS I DID, AND AT FIRST I THOUGHT THEY WERE LYING. BUT I WOULD FIND OUT LATER THAT IT WAS TRUE. I GOT TO WHERE I WANTED TO FIGHT ALL THE TIME, EVEN WHEN IT WASN'T MY FIGHT. I WAS WORKING ONE NIGHT AT THE RESTAURANT AND THERE WAS A SHOOTING; I JUMPED IN. THANK YOU LORD, FOR KEEPING ME SAFE.
EVERYTIME A FIGHT BROKE OUT AT THE BAR I WOULD JUMP IN AND TRY TO BREAK IT UP, EVEN WHEN I WAS NOT WORKING. I GOT TO WHERE I WAS DRINKING AS MUCH AS I WAS SELLING. THEN I STARTED USING COCAINE. I WAS WORKING DAYTIME ON A CONSTRUCTION CREW. WE WERE AT ONE OF THE HOUSES THAT WE WERE WORKING ON AND I HAD BEEN UP ALL NIGHT PARYING. I WAS TIRED. A GUY ASKED IF WE WANTED A LINE OF COCAINE, AND A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE SAID, �YEAH.� WE WORKED AND PARTIED TOGETHER. I HAD BEEN AROUND IT ALOT BUT HAD NEVER TAKEN PART IN IT UNTIL THAT DAY. BUT I WAS TIRED AND KNEW WE WERE GOING OUT THAT NIGHT AND THEY WERE SAYING, �YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. IT WILL WAKE YOU UP,� SO I DID. WELL I SOON WANTED MORE AND MORE. THEN THE NEXT DRUG CAME ALONG, MUSHROOMS, ACID, HASH. SO I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS HAVING FUN THEN. I COULD STAY UP AND PARTY DAY AND NIGHT, 3 OR 4 DAYS AT A TIME WITH NO SLEEP. I'D WAKE UP WITH BLOOD ON MY SHIRT AND KNEW I HAD DONE SOMETHING TO SOMEONE, AND IT WOULD SCARE ME TO THINK AND NOT KNOW WHAT I HAD DONE. NOT EVEN KNOWING IF I HAD KILLED SOMEONE, BECAUSE I KNEW IT WAS NOT MY BLOOD. I'VE WOKE UP IN JAIL NOT KNOWING WHAT I WAS THERE FOR. I'VE WOKE UP IN MY CAR UNDER THE WHEEL, WITH THE CAR RUNNING AND I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING.