Brett

I remember the first time we met. It was back in July, 1999. The 18th to be exact. We were introduced to each other by an Aussie guy named, Cameron. Dean and I hit it off straight away. We were in ICQ, and that first night I talked with him till about 5:00am. I had just met him, but was so enamored by his charm, I just couldn't get myself to bed. My he so much fun to talk to. We were instant mates. It was like we had known each other all our lives. When it came time for me to go to bed, he shocked me a bit. It was then he told me of his illness. He said to me, "Don't fuck with me Brett" When he told me that, I was filled with emotion. He was so afraid that I would just forget him, never to chat with him again. That's sometimes the cruelty here on the internet. But, I already knew at that time, I would grow to love him dearly. We had exchanged ICQ numbers to be able to stay in touch. We also told each other when we were most likely to be online. From that point, we talked almost every day. I remember how he would run home from school on his lunchtime to be online with me. I think the school called his mum a couple times because he was late getting back. Haha! He was such a sweetheart to me. I don't really know what happened, but he attempted suicide and was hospitalized the month of September. That's when I met Luke. Luke mailed me to tell me the news. I was heartbroken, but very happy Dean had pulled through. While he was in hospital, we corresponded by email. Luke was such a great brother to Dean, acting as a courier for our emails. Dean was so afraid I wouldn't be here for him when he returned home from his stay. The bond was already there and I wouldn't have left Dean for anything. I loved him very, very much. I told him I would be right here (at the computer) waiting for him to come home. When he came home I was true to my word, waiting for him. It was during his stay that I met Daniel. Daniel was also so very supportive of Dean, and was his best online mate sticking by him and supporting him like the trooper he is. Daniel and I became friends during this time as well. When Dean returned home, he introduced me to all his mates in the Europe Room. I was a bit shy at first, but came to love all of them. CT, is from sweden, D'Antone from Norway now living in the UK, Daniel (who we regard as the founder of the room) from the UK, and Dean were the core group. Phil from Canada, and I came along shortly after.
Matt from OZ, Bradly from the UK, Christian from Norway and Stone from Austria, make frequent visits and are also part of our group. We meet every night to talk about our lives and all the little things that maybe some people would think are silly and lame, but to us it's a way to learn about each other, to support each other, and to just have a friendly place to hang out with friends.
Dean was working at a Cafe nearby in the summer. He would get up in the mornings and log on to the computer to met us in the Europe Room everyday before work. After everyone from europe had gone to bed, that was when Dean and I had our 'quality' time together to talk to each other alone. It was early evening for me and morning for him, so it was very convenient for both of us. He usually had at least a couple of hours to chat before work. Sometimes our chat would last longer than it should have, in that he would be late getting to work. We were so involved in our talks we would lose track of time. He told me several times he was close to getting fired because of tardiness for work. From that time on, each day I would ask him what time he had to report to work, and I watched the clock, because I knew he wasn't. I didn't want to be the cause of him losing that job, because I knew how much he loved it. We had some quality time to talk about each other, our lives, our wishes, our dreams, and everything else under the sun. We shared everything with each other. We even exchanged telephone numbers and addresses. Our love for each other was blossoming. I remember the first time he called, he was so excited as was I, but in his excitement I found it difficult to understand him, because he talked so fast.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Brett Smith. Dean and I have been boyfriends
since early November of last year. We never really had an official anniversary date of when we
became boyfriends, it just happened. What we did know, was that we loved each other so very
much. Anyone that knew us, can tell you the bond we had was incredibly strong. I have never
felt love like I did with Dean. I don't think I will ever feel that kind of love ever again.   I can't
imagine anyone being able to even come close to the love Dean showed me, and I showed him.
I miss him so much. Knowing that I can never speak to him on the phone again is incredibly
painful.   Knowing that I will never see his name in our chatroom is incredibly painful. Knowing
that I will never get the chance to actually meet him in person and to share the rest of my life
with him hurts the most. But I will never regret meeting him. I will never regret knowing him.
I will never regret loving him. No one has ever brought so much joy into my life as Dean did.
Rest easy Dean, I know you know how much I love you still. I will see you sometime sweetheart.
Wherever my life takes me, I know you will be by my side.

I had to keep slowing him down. It didn't help that he had a few beers in him that night either. We always remembered that first call and had good laughs over it. We talked on the phone quite often, loving to hear each other's voices. It was so comforting to both of us. One night Dean said to me that he had been thinking very long and hard about himself, how he felt, what he was now realising. He realised now that he was gay. He wasn't straight, or even bi-sexual, but truly gay. It was so difficult for him, but he knew in his heart, that that is what he was. He was very distraught about how to break the news to the girl he loved so much. He hated the fact that she would be so hurt, but he knew he had to tell her. He didn't want to lose her friendship and was terrified by that possibility. But he found the courage, and I know that he did his best in telling her what he was feeling. Jan is such a lovely person from what Dean has told me. I admire her for loving Dean so much and sticking by him and supporting Dean in this very difficult time. I know her heart was broken, but she remained loyal to him, and he was very thankful for that. Jan even mailed me to ask me to be kind to Dean, to take care of him. It was a lovely letter, and I regret not answering her to thank her for understanding Dean, and for not turning her back on him. I know she hurt, as would anyone, but I am so happy they were able to still love each other as friends. His best mate Ian has been truly great too. Some people would have a very bad reaction to finding out their best mate was gay. But Ian's loyalty to Dean was very strong. Dean even had the opportunity to introduce us, though Ian and Dean were always on their way off somewhere when Ian came by. Still, it was nice to say hello to him. And I know both Jan and Ian were looking out for Dean. I took great comfort in that. Dean and I didn't just love each other, we were IN love. There is a difference. We someday wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We talked about that all the time. I knew in my heart the we would sometime soon. But I didn't want to meet him in person until we were going to be together for good. It would have been a very sad time when it would have been time for either of us to return home. We just had to wait it out. We both agreed it would be best this way. I'll never forget last Christmas, when the Australia post lost the gift I had sent. He was devastated, but I was more worried about him than what I had sent. Dean's Mum went to the post and gave them quite a serve for upsetting her little boy. Dean and I laughed about that, and I had this picture of his Mum with fire in her eyes. When they did finally find the package, we were both so happy. It was the little teddybear that Dean would come to name Magnus II after my cat Magnus who had gotten very sick the following January and had to be put to sleep. Things went along greatly for us. Dean went back into hospital for a short time because he started having some problems, but he was able to phone me from there. Again, Luke stepped in as mail courier. Dean was so afraid I would get tired of his illness and leave him. That never, ever entered my mind, I was with him forever. He said he would beat this thing and would get better for me. I told him, I wasn't going anywhere, that he should get better for him, I will always be here for him. He was in really good spirits when he got out and did really well for quite a long time. It was so lovely to see him doing so well. I was never happier when he was happy. And he had a long stint at being happy. Sadly, it wasn't to last. He started getting sick again about the time of the Olympics. He was having some terrible migraine headaches that were completely debilitating. It hurt me so much to see him this way, but I stayed with him, did everything I could for him, tried to make him as happy as he could be. My only regret is having only known him for such short a time. We had so many more things to say, so much more to share, so much more love to give each other. But sadly, time ran out on us. Jan and Ian, you have been truly great friends to Dean. He deserved your love and friendship as did you deserve his in return. I want to thank all of our friends online for respecting the love that Dean and I shared. You know how much we both valued your friendship. And to the Christiansen family, I share in your pain, for Dean was most certainly the best son any parent could ever have. I'm so sorry.