CHAPTER 12

Monica, still reeling from her confrontation with Alan, made her way to A.J.'s room, but once there, she stopped to collect herself. She could not let on to A.J. how hurt and angry she was. She knew A.J. would sense that something was wrong, and she wasn't ready to divulge anything to him. When she had taken several deep breaths and her pulse was no longer racing, she entered his room. Seeing him smiling and sitting up in bed softened her mood a bit.

"What have we here?" she asked and smiled.

"I woke up this morning feeling great," A.J. said, enthused. He had indeed awakened to a much brighter day, he thought. His craving for vodka was gone, and for the first time, he felt as though he were going to fully recover.

"I *told* you the medicine would work," Monica playfully chided.

"I know, I know," he said and laughed.

"Now, the question of the day: how about some breakfast?"

"You're too late, Mom. I already told Amy to bring me toast and tea," he said and grinned.

"Hooray," Monica said, clearly pleased with A.J.'s improvement.

He enjoyed seeing his mom smile.

Amy delivered a tray with two pieces of plain toast and a cup of tea to A.J. When looking at the toast didn't make him queasy, he took a bite and discovered he was hungry. He ate the toast and drank the tea without any problems. Monica suggested a banana, and he ate that, too.

She then checked his vitals and told him everything was normal.

"Let's see how you do with decreased medication. If you eat something for lunch, I'll remove the IV."

"Sounds good to me. What about releasing me?"

"Maybe tomorrow. I would like you to be up and around before we let you leave."

"Okay. I'll get up later," A.J. said, willing to do whatever was necessary to be released.

Monica laughed at his eagerness. "Be sure to let one of the nurses know when you want to get up."

"Will do."

A.J. hoped to see Keesha so he could apologize for his behavior the night before. He also wanted her to see how much better he was, but when he dialed her extension, he was told she was meeting with a client. He left a message and waited for her to call or stop by, but he still had not seen nor heard from her by the time Amy brought his lunch.

He ate chicken broth, a few crackers, an apple, and gelatin. Monica was very pleased that he did so well; she instructed Amy to remove the IV. A.J. was ecstatic.

"You've improved so much, A.J.," Amy said and smiled. "Do you feel up to walking to the solarium?"

"Sure."

Amy called for Betsy, a nurse's aid, to walk with A.J., but Keesha entered the room and told her that wouldn't be necessary.

"Keesha! I'm so glad you're here."

"Do you want to walk with him, Keesha?" Amy asked.

She nodded.

"Thanks," Amy said, exiting the room.

"Did you get my message?" A.J. asked. "I wanted to apologize for my mood and my words last night," he hurriedly continued, not waiting for her response. "I wanted you to see that I'm 100% better today and that alcohol cravings are no longer allowed."

"I did get your message. I wanted to see you sooner, but I had two walk-in clients I had to meet with."

"I understand. You're here now. That's all that matters. I'm sorry about last night. Could we please forget it ever happened?"

Trepidation filled A.J. as Keesha shook her head.

"No, we can't, A.J. I don't *want* to forget last night. It served as a poignant reminder to me that I can never let down my guard. You don't know when the urge to drink is going to hit you. You can *say* that the cravings will no longer be allowed, but that doesn't mean they won't ever surface again. I need to be better prepared to deal with those urges if and when they happen. Last night was a perfect example of that."

"Last night was an exception, Keesha. I had not been wanting or even thinking about alcohol before then. I allowed self-pity to control me. I know I can't live that way. I need to improve in that area, but vodka isn't what I want. I *want* my sobriety, and I want *you* in my life."

His eyes were serious as they searched her face. He reached for her hand; she let him hold it. She could easily lose herself in him when he was like this. She wanted to believe what he was telling her and that this person reassuring her was the A.J. she loved. But she knew better. She knew there was another A.J. somewhere inside this one who was going to struggle with wanting alcohol. She had seen that A.J. more times than she cared to remember, and he frightened her. Was she ready finally to try to learn to accept and to love every facet of him? Did she think it was worth traveling down this path one more time to see if she could have a future with a sober A.J.? If not, then she knew there was no reason to continue this relationship. She knew she had a decision to make and that this was a turning point. Was she willing to risk everything to find happiness with the one man who she knew, in her heart, could give it to her if his demons didn't destroy him first?

"I believe your words, A.J., and I know you believe them, too. But I also know that there are going to be times when you're going to want alcohol. I would think something was wrong with you if you didn't. We both need to stay alert. That's all I'm saying."

"Do you forgive me for last night?" he asked her again.

"Sweetheart, there's nothing to forgive. You were the one who was struggling. I was on the sidelines watching."

"I hurt you with my words, Keesha, and I'm sorry. I need your forgiveness."

Keesha looked at him and shook her head. "There's nothing to forgive, but I forgive you anyway. There, is that better?"

"Much better. Thank you."

"I do have a question for you. Did you call your AA sponsor last night and tell him what you were going through?"

"I needed to be alone last night, but I called him this morning."

"Did you tell him what had happened?"

"Yes. And he reprimanded me for not calling him while I was in the middle of it. He reminded me that's what he was for. He also reminded me how far I've come. He gave it to me straight that I was having a pity party. Then he mentioned you. Telling him what I'd said to you made me see that I'd hurt you. I have a hard time in that area, Keesha, and that's why you need to let me ask for forgiveness when I know I need to."

Keesha nodded. "I know this is important for you, A.J. I don't want to interfere with your steps or your recovery."

"Thank you," he said and drew her into his arms.

"Hey," she said, realizing something was missing from his arm. "Your IV is gone!"

"Isn't it great?" A.J. said and smiled.

"You must be eating," she concluded.

"Breakfast and lunch. Very light food, but at least I ate without any problems."

"And now you're talking about walking around. This is great, A.J."

"It is," he said and hugged her closer.

Keesha allowed herself to relax in his arms and to let his contentment envelop her. She had longed to be this close to him again, to be encircled in his caring arms once more, but now that it looked as though it were happening, she was scared. She had stretched the truth about her reason for not visiting him earlier. She had held off, concerned how she would find him and whether she would be able to handle it if he still wanted alcohol. This 180 degree turnaround was not what she had expected. But she also knew that his mood could quickly change again. Was she willing to allow this man, who held her so lovingly in his arms, back into her life? She had so many questions and so few answers. She sighed and stirred.

A.J. pulled her away. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine. Want to go for that walk?" she asked, needing a diversion from her thoughts.

"Sure," A.J. said, wishing the night before had never happened. He knew Keesha was wary of him again; he couldn't blame her. He made a decision then and there to work harder to prove to her that alcohol had no power over him and that she could trust him with her life. He had lost the best thing that had ever happened to him once to alcohol; he was not about to let it happen again. Especially not when he'd been given a second chance at happiness with the woman he loved.


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