It all started on September 27, 1978. My mom was screaming in pain with her legs in stirrups.

"It's a girl!" exclaimed the doctor.

"Oh, shit," said my dad. He got out the baby name book. We can't name it Michael, can we? How about something with D?"

"But all the girl names that start with D in our family are already taken."

Dad was looking at the nurse's chest. Her name tag said Dana. That's how it all started.

With the allergies and asthma, I didn't get out much as a child. That's where I learned my SPiCiEST knowledge from books. I did the whole school thing, ate paste, swished, and denounced school spirit by going home before all of the woundrous (and decidedly un-SPiCY) Hudson High School (Florida) pep rallies.

Then came kollege at downtown Poochie (Pasco Hernando Community College). After getting my AA, I decided it would be better to drive 126 miles a day for two years to finish my education at USF (Tampa).

Now I've hidden my bachelor's degree in a drawer where it can collect dust; I have no need for trivial writing. So now I sit on the phone all day at Capital One where I explain our customers' valid late fees and then I don't waive them (they aren't SPiCY).

I was born in St. Petersburg, Florida, and lucky for me, we moved to beautiful rural Hudson when I was six. I also got to experience public school and ride the bus and lean a new, four-letter, language.

My father was a truck driver for most of the time I was growing up, so I got to see the country from the cab of a Kenworth truck. I can also read maps!

We vacation at the family farm in Lopez, PA which, surprisingly enough, is even less populated than Hudson. It may actually be on some maps, about 35 miles north of the midpoint between Williamsport and Wilkes-Barre. If you'd like to see some pictures of Lopez, go to the Lopez section. But if you'd rather see some SPiCY photos of me growing up, click here.

If you've managed to read this far, you must be really interested. If I'm not already related to you and you're kind of cute (or at least not fugly) and you have a respectable amount of money (at this point I'll settle if you're breathing and you have some possible job prospects). Send me some email because my family is looking to marry me off.

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