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[ Ben ]

��������������� Helplessness is the worst feeling in the world. I knew that from past experience, for sure. When something happens and you have no power whatsoever to stop or contain it� the hole that opens up inside your stomach was awful. And I knew that that hole was opening in Daniel right now. My arms snaked around his neck as I held him, allowing him to cry and whimper into me. He felt that this whole incident was his fault. How absurd. Daniel would *never* do something like this on purpose.

��������������� He�d turned back and nuzzled into my chest once again, clutching me tightly, as if I�d disappear. �Oh, Darren� I didn�t mean to do this! I�m so sorry!� His voice was panicked now, and I could tell he was breaking down. His sobs were louder, and he visibly shook as each one escaped his mouth. Whispering into his ear to calm him, I drug him over to another hallway chair, and sat down. To my surprise, he continued to cling to me, pulling himself into my lap. I wrapped my arms around him once again, holding him protectively. He seemed to quiet down a bit, and resorted to just whimpering as he clung.

��������������� �Daniel, I don�t know what�s got you so upset. This isn�t your fault.� I whispered the hushed, calming words into his ear. He shifted to make eye contact, his eyes were red and swollen. �Ben� I did this. It�s my fault.� A sigh made its way past my lips as I shook my head. �No, it�s not.�

��������������� �You weren�t there. You don�t know what happened.� True� �Dan, what happened?� His frantic crying resumed as he fell into a new batch of agony. �I fell asleep!� Irony-ridden voice, as he shook his head. Hopelessly. As he continued, the sound dropped from fevered shrieking to a dull, apathetic monotone. �I fell asleep, okay? I fell asleep at the god damned wheel.�

��������������� Well, that wasn�t the story I�d expected to hear. A gaping wound was now open, unprotected inside my chest. No wonder Daniel felt so agonized� �Daniel, you couldn�t help it. This isn�t your fault.� But even as I said it, I knew I sounded unconvincing. If I were in his position, I�d be doing the same� just clinging and crying, hoping against hope that Darren was okay.

��������������� �You didn�t wish this upon Darren, therefore it�s not your fault. Just a horrible accident.� His grip on my back tightened, his teeth clenched. Whether from anger or something else entirely. �An accident caused by me, by *my* carelessness. And Darren�s the one taking the beating for it.� Voice now rank of self-loathing. I wanted to tell him�to convince him�otherwise, but I knew that it�d be hopeless. Until Darren got better, I figured he�d stay the same. But that didn�t stop me from trying. �Daniel, you have to realize this� it�s not your fault. The same thing might have happened even if you were driving as careful as you could, five miles per hour down the road in broad daylight!�

��������������� He paused, then answered in a halfhearted attempt to contradict me, as predicted. �But maybe it wouldn�t have. Maybe everything would still be the way it was� maybe Darren would still be okay. Maybe I wouldn�t be in this position, having to listen to you argue over what a worthwhile person I am. It�s pointless. I don�t know why you�re trying to be so easy with me.� My stomach wrenched.

��������������� �Because you�re being too hard on yourself is a good reason.� He grunted, and nuzzled into my neck, still remaining cradled in my arms. I was still rather shocked that he didn�t get up and leave.

��������������� We just sat there for a few minutes, and I listened to the sound of his breathing. It was evened as if he were sleeping, though I knew he wasn�t. Every once in a while, he�d move or mutter something under his breath. I figured that it was just more cursing and self hatred. A few people�mainly nurses and orderlies, a few civilians�that walked down the hall gave us some funny looks, but nobody seemed downright frightened or disgusted. I didn�t really care. Daniel needed me, he needed someone, right now.

��������������� He broke the silence a while later with a� sigh, and a rather casual sounding, �What do you think?� I looked up, snapping out of a thoughtful daze. �Huh?� �About Darren.�

��������������� �What do you mean, �about Darren�?� At least he wasn�t bashing himself anymore� �Do you think he�s gonna� you know� get better?� Always the difficult questions� Why couldn�t he�I stopped myself. There was no point in wondering silently. Just answer the question. �To be honest, Dan, I really don�t know. I know that�s not the answer you�re looking for� or even an answer, really, at all. But I don�t know.� He squirmed, and looked up to face me.

��������������� The face that I was staring into wasn�t Daniel Jones. It was someone entirely different. Someone overcome by pity, anger, and (above all) fear. Yes, I could see it. Beneath the bitterness and stubbled chin, he was afraid. Guilty. It made me physically sick to see him like that.

��������������� �You don�t know, but I can see it in your eyes. You believe the doctors.� I opened my mouth to speak, shook my head and said nothing. He was sort of right, I was fearing what the doctors had said immensely. But� �Daniel!� I sighed. �I believe in Darren just as much as you do. He�s going to live through this, you�re going to live through this. Everything�s going to be fine.�

��������������� His eyes bore into mine like daggers, stung me. �Who are you to say that!?� His voice was strained, and his face began to contort into a mask of anger, which shocked me. �Dan,� I said, as calm as I could act. I had to get him to quiet down� �What is it, Ben? Are you going to try and tell me it�s okay? Because it�s not!� Fluctuating voice� wavering with a plethora of emotions. Christ, Ben� now you�ve done it� �It�s *not* okay, because Darren isn�t okay! And you know why? Because of me! Because I made a mistake! Because I fell asleep at the fucking WHEEL!�

��������������� Those words slit through my skin and burnt my core to ashes. I opened my mouth to speak, yet no sound came out. He glared at me. I could sense it in the air: he hated me right now. �Daniel, calm down!� I desperately tried to remain calm, myself. I couldn�t succumb to the anger, which was beginning to boil within me. That�s what he wanted. A smirk wove its way up his lips, his eyes taunting me. �I can see it� you resent me. You, Ben. You HATE me for this. For ruining your moment� for bursting your happy little bubble. After all, I�m the one that put Darren in the hospital� I�m the one that caused this little accident. Jesus, Ben, why hide it? You bloody want to rip me apart!� I was floored. Succored. My face went pale, I was sure of it. The things he accused me of� damn him! How could he be so pig headed?! Yet, I knew that part of what he said was right. In a way, I did hate him� I hated him for being this way, not for causing the accident. It was an accident. But the way he dealt with it� My voice could hardly measure up into a half-assed squeak, as the words slipped past. �No, Daniel. That�s not true!�

��������������� I knew that he didn�t believe me. You always have been a bad liar�

��������������� He just smirked at me, and I knew that he was trying to drive me over the edge. My blood was boiling. I wanted to rip that God-forsaken smirk from his lips and beat him with it. And he knew it. �Just say it, Benny� you don�t want to be anywhere near me.� I had to think of a counter. Something to get him. Just something to ease my pain, even slightly. My voice rose to a near-shout (which was *loud* compared to the usual silence of hospitals). �Is that what you want to hear? Do you WANT me to tell you that I hate you? How the hell would that help? You�re losing it, Daniel! Just get ahold of yourself!�

��������������� He laughed insanely. And that was when I started to get worried. �I�M losing it? Don�t I have a right to? You forget who you�re talking to, dear� I�m Daniel Jones! Daniel Jones the PSYCHO who was CRAZY and STUPID enough to let his best friend end up like this!� He pulled himself from my grasp and gestured to Darren�s room. �Daniel Jones the fucking MURDERER!�

��������������� My jaw dropped. He was really losing control, he needed to calm down. I stood, and he backed away, eyes blazing. �Daniel, no� that�s not true�� My voice was soft, quiet. �You may have done something stupid, but you�re not a murderer. Darren isn�t dead, nor is he going to die. You�re blowing this out of proportion.� I tried to keep it in a soothing tone, resisting the urge to lash out at him with my fists.

��������������� �Tell me what is true, then. Why is Darren in there?� I remained silent.

��������������� �Because of me, Ben. Because of my irresponsibility. I fucked up, major. And Darren�s the one taking the fall for it.�

��������������� I decided to catch him off guard, and replied quickly. Can�t this just end�? Daniel, I�m sorry. �Is that what you think that Darren would say? That it�s your fault? That he hates you?�

���������������

��������������� I�d never seen Daniel so upset. Usually, if something were bothering or upsetting him, he�d just sink into apathy and run off to a bar to sulk. He�d never�ever�just gone out and attacked me like this. But this is different� this is a whole new ballgame. He remained silent, then, and just stared at me (in disgust� contempt?) . At least he wasn�t screaming anymore. Angry tears burned his eyes, yet didn�t spill. I wondered if he was considering agreeing with me. That�s my Daniel� the quiet, little enigma. I prayed that the defensiveness and self-loathing would end, and slowly reached out to place a tentative hand upon his shoulder. His gaze followed my hand as if it were a cobra. �Daniel, just calm down. You�re overreacting.�

��������������� When his gaze returned to my eyes, I knew that he�d just been pushed over the edge. His eyes narrowed into sinister, grey-green slits, and his mouth pulled upwards into a sneer. His hand gripped mine tightly�too tightly. It physically hurt�and ripped it from his body as his face showed nothing but hate. Hate of me. Hate of the situation. But mostly, hatred of himself.

��������������� �Fuck you, Ben. Fuck you and your overreacting.�

��������������� Without another word, he turned his back on me and departed down the hallway, his strides hurried and broad. I took a few steps after him, quietly whispering his name, but then turned away. It�d be pointless to resist. As soon as he rounded the corner, I choked out a shouted reply that I knew he couldn�t hear. �Oh, yeah, Daniel? Maybe this is your fault! Fuck that!� It was stupid, childish, but I didn�t care. With an exhausted sigh, I slumped back into the chair and cradled my head in my hands.