An extract from a letter of ambitious Paul to the rowdies.
Row 1:1-7
I appeal to you, brothers, by the logical sensibilities in you, to present
yourselves in a much improved light, and one more acceptable to the publican
who voiced the complaint. Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed
by the renewal of your pint, that you may prove your enjoyment is good
and acceptable and perfect.
These are the words from Arthur.
Thanks to him.
PRELUDE OF IMPORTANCE
When sung, the Prelude is begun by the most vocal and repeated by everyone. When the most vocal has 'sung' the verse, all again repeat 'Hear ye'.
Hear ye, here you!
May the trainer of our Head Brewer
lighten the internals of your money pouches
so that we can see bliss
and hope will strive within his ever open bar.
Hear ye!
READING OF IMPORTANCE
The beer be in you.
And also in you.
A reading from the vague memories of Matt.
Fair play to you, Arthur.
Matt 16:21-27
Head Brewer began to show his under studies that they must go through many
tests and suffer much abuse from their bosses and teachers. Peter spoke
up and began to scold him, saying, "Nay way mon, this will ne'r happen
to me...this is my vocation." Head Brewer turned and said to Peter, "Get
out of my sight fool, unworthy trainee. Your vocation may well become your
vacation with that attitude."
Then Head Brewer told his under studies, "If an man would come after me, let him deny his pride and take up his tasks and follow me. For whoever would save his job will lose it, and whoever loses his job for my sake will find it...What am I going on about?, I think I'll shut up." Head Brewer didn't say much for the rest of the week.
This is the truth according to Matt.
Fair play to you, Head Brewer. We believe in one chemical, CH3CH2OH,
the wonderful, the mighty,
maker of hangovers and parties
of all that is cheap and lethal.
We believe in one brewer, Head Brewer,
the only protégé of Arthur Guinness,
expertly trained by the original,
alcohol from sugar, beer from hops,
true beer from true brewers,
born brewer, not made,
of one being with the original.
Through him all brewers were trained.
For us men and for our enjoyment
he came down from his office:
(All are silent during next three lines)
by the power of text books
he came into knowledge,
and was made famous.
For our sake he was trained under Arthur Guinness;
he suffered failure and was tried.
On the third occasion he checked again
in accordance with the instructions;
he ascended into history
and stands on the right of the original.
He will come again in a motorcade to judge
the beer and the spirits,
and his kegs will have no end.
We believe in the holy spirits, the whiskey,
the giver of life,
which proceeds from the malt and the barley.
With the malt and the barley it is
nurtured and distilled.
It is consumed by the masses.
We believe in one holy hour
and only one.
We acknowledge one test for the
forgiveness of abstinence.
We look for the reduction of taxes,
and the day Hell freezes over. A beer.
or the DISTRIBUTORS' VERSION
I believe in Arthur, the brewer mighty,
creator of Guinness and public houses.
I believe in Head Brewer, his only protégé, our mentor.
and born was an impeccable liquor.
He studied under Arthur Guinness,
was tested, tried and then graduated.
He has suffered poor frementation.
On the third day he checked again.
He ascended into history,
and is seated at the right hand of the original.
He will come again to judge the beer and the spirits.
I believe in the holy spirit,
the single holy hour,
the fellowship of bars,
the forgiveness of abstinence,
the rejuvenation of the body,
and the keg everlasting. A beer.
PREPARATION FOR THE SAMPLING
Raising the sachet of yeast, the celebrant says:
Blessed are you, Head Brewer, observer of all creation.
Through your wisdom we have this yeast to offer,
which earth has given and human hands have refined.
It will create for us the water of life.
Blessed be him forever
Raising the packet of sugar, the celebrant says:
Blessed are you, Head Brewer, observer of all creation.
Through your wisdom we have this sugar to offer,
Fruit of the root and work of human hands.
It will become our alcoholic strength.
Blessed be him forever
Pray, customers, that our sacrifice may be acceptable to him, the Head Brewer.
May the brewer accept the sacrifice in your hands
for the beer and spirits of his name
for our good, and the good of all his consumers.
PRAYER OVER THE RAW MATERIALS
Brewer,
may this sterilised offering
bring us your brew
and accomplish within us
its promise of intoxication.
Grant this through cash payments. A beer.
