Author�s Notes: Hope you all enjoyed the relative lightness of the last chapter, because the angst is back! Hope you all enjoy! Angel is by Sarah McLachlan.
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
I�m lying in my room and I can hear Gil putting Lindsey to bed. It�s my first night home from the hospital, and I�m terrified. The first couple of nights at the hospital I was fine, I was too drugged up to be scared. But after that, I started waking up every night with horrible nightmares. Gil had been there every time, but he shouldn�t have to see me like that. He�s already doing so much for both Lindsey and I. I wish I could tell him how much I appreciate it.
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
But for all the time he�s spent with me the past couple of weeks, we haven�t really talked. I�m afraid to, afraid to face this thing between us. And it�s annoying, because before this happened, I was never a fearful person. But I�m not who I was anymore.
I need some distraction
or beautiful release
I�m interrupted from my thoughts by a shift of the bed. I turn my head to face Lindsey, who grins at me and gives me a careful hug, �G�night Mommy�.
I return the hug and grin, �Night baby�.
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
When she leaves, my eyes start to drift close, but I fight the sleep I feel coming on. I�m waiting for Gil to come back first. It takes the nightmares longer to come if he�s there when I fall asleep.
in the arms of an angel
far away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
Despite my best efforts, I�m almost asleep when I feel him stroking my hair. I try to open my eyes, but I can just make out him shaking his head, �It�s okay, go to sleep.�
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
�I�ll be right here.�
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
I can�t move. My stomach hurts. I�m in a room all alone. But them I�m not alone. He�s there. He�s there, and I can�t get away. It�s just me and him. Where�s Gil? He said he wouldn't leave me.
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
I try to twist away, try to escape, to get out. And I hear laughter ringing in my ears. Again and again, the laughter.
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
Suddenly, I shoot straight up in bed, screaming, �NO!!!�
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
And then the tears come, both from fear and pain, great racking sobs that shake my entire being.
in the arms of an angel
far away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
And he is there, holding me close, rocking me back and forth.
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
Protecting me from the monsters in my head.
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
He continues to rock me, murmuring into my hair, �It�s okay. It�s over, it�s over. Everything�s going to be okay.�
you're in the arms of the angel
And as I begin to drift back asleep, this time wrapped securely in his arms, I believe him, if only for a moment.
may you find some comfort here
TBC
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