Author�s Notes: This story is also set before the show begins. This chapter alternates between Catherine and Grissom�s POV. Hopefully it will be pretty obvious who�s POV it is when. The song All I Really Want is by Alanis Morissette.
Disclaimers: Not mine. Song�s not mine either. Don�t sue, I have no money.
Spoilers: Minor for Pledging Mr. Johnson, I guess.
Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
I angrily knock on Grissom�s door. He opens it and I storm past him, then whirl around to face him. �How dare you! I don�t believe you!�
He looks at me, obviously having no idea what I�m upset about. �What are you talking about Catherine?�, he questions, approaching me with a hand out to try and calm me down.
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
I recoil away from him, �You knew! You knew and you didn�t tell me!�
He opens his mouth, about to ask another question, when I cut him off. �Eddie! You knew about him and his little�playtoy and you didn�t tell me! What the hell, Grissom?!�
He looks at me with an unmistakable look of guilt on his face, �Catherine��
If only I could hunt the hunter
And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
Damn. She found out. And Eddie obviously told her that I already knew. Why not break up a friendship as well, since he was already breaking her heart? She continues to yell at me, demanding answers I just can�t give.
And all I really want is deliverance
How do I tell her that I was afraid she would try to kill herself again? I told her that I would never hold that moment of weakness against her, and I never have. But really, how can I know that it won�t happen again?
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out
As I continue to yell, I notice the look on Gil�s face and I begin to wonder if he�s even listening to me anymore. I take a step closer to him, �Damn it Gil, tell me what the hell�s going on! Why didn�t you tell me?!�
He looks at me with weary eyes, �Catherine I can�t, please��
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I step back again as he tries to approach me. I won�t let him get near me, if he touches me I�ll break into tears, and I won�t, not in front of him, not now. I refuse to.
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker
Seeing that I still won�t let him near me, his shoulders sag, and he gives up, turning away from me and heading further into his house. I follow him, unable and unwilling to believe that he�d just let it go like that. I need to have an answer. �Dammit Grissom, answer me!�
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
He sits down on the couch and looks up at me. He begins to speak, haltingly, �I was afraid�� He pauses and I impatiently motion with my hand for him to continue. Finally, he lets it all out in a rush of breath, �I was afraid you�d try to commit suicide again if I told you and I knew that I couldn�t handle that. I�m sorry Catherine.�
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
I watch as her face turns pale and she sags into a chair next to the couch. It wounds me more than she�ll ever know to see her like this, but there is nothing I can do. I sit and wait patiently for the explosion that I know will eventually come. I know her too well.
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around
After I process what he�s just told me, I spring up from the chair I�m sitting in. As I continue to yell, I try desperately to keep the tears at bay. I will not let him see what his words have done to me, how much they have wounded and devastated me. �You swore to me that you�d never hold that against me! I told you that it would never happen again, I promised you! I believed your promise, why the hell couldn�t you believe mine?!� Try as I might, I cannot escape the lone tear that falls down my face.
Why are you so petrified of silence
Here can you handle this?
I watch the tear roll down her face, but I say nothing. I know she�s expecting something from me, but I have nothing left to give her but silence.
Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
I watch her continue to struggle with her emotions and I wonder what she�s thinking. If, like me, she�s remembering the day she decided to give up. Or, if she�s thinking about Eddie, or Lindsey, or work. Finally, I decide she�s probably trying to find a way to break the silence, which for some reason has always been her greatest enemy.
And all I need now is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer
It�s been several minutes, and he still hasn�t spoken, and I hate him even more for that. He knows how much I despise silence. I can feel it choking me as he continues to sit and look at me. I will him to say something, anything, just to break the silence.
All I really want is some peace man
A place to find a common ground
I don�t say anything as I see another tear fall, and I�m not going to. It�s up to her. She has to tell me what she�s thinking, what she�s feeling. I have nothing left to give.
And all I really want is a wavelength
When it becomes obvious that he�s waiting for me to make the next move, I turn on my heel and flee the house. I run blindly to my car as the tears cloud my eyes. I had hoped that he would talk to me, tell me what was going on in his head. But he wouldn�t, or perhaps couldn�t.
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
I start the car and drive to a park before parking and slumping in my seat. With my head in my hands, I finally allow myself to cry. I cry harder than I ever had before, sobbing so hard that it feels as though my lungs will burst. I wish for someone to comfort me, and I begin to cry even harder when I realize that I just ran out on the only person who could help me.
And all I really want is some justice...
TBC
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