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Name: Casey O. Mandrell
DOB: August 29
Hometown: Canyon Country, CA
Pledge Class: Alpha Alpha
My Big Brother: Antoine K. Le
My Little Brother: Brent Crangle
E-mail: [email protected]
Positions Held: Social Chair
President
Graduation Date: June 2004
My name is Casey Mandrell. I was born with a piece of J.C. Penny stainless steel flatware in my mouth, and I scratched and clawed my way out of the upper middle class ghetto of Santa Clarita, California to become the feared yet loved pariah that I am today. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling buildings and crushing ice. I write award-winning operas and translate ethnic slurs for Albanian refugees. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I can cook two-minute eggs in less than a minute. I have been known to remodel subway stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat dispersion. Occasionally, I trade ribald jests with heads of state.
I am an expert in glass bricklaying, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil. I breed prize-winning clams. I pay my bills on time. I don't perspire. I think dishonesty is dishonest but sometimes necessary. I, too, have written and produced material for the Dixie Chicks, and refused to have sex with them. Using only a hoe, a glass of water, and two pennies, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from an attack of ferocious army ants. I read ancient Egyptian manuscripts in the original Sanskrit.
I am an abstract sculptor, a master archer, and a ruthless bookie. I own many of Henry Rollins spoken word recordings and periodically annoy the neighbors by playing them at a high volume. I sleep only fifteen minutes a night and do so standing up. It is not true that I performed covert operations for the CIA. I think Peter Gabriel is a brilliant artist. I am an unselfish lover, an investor in the Chinese stock market, a rabble-rousing upstart, and an inspiration for freedom fighters everywhere. Children trust me.
After one listen, I can play any song on several instruments. I can make extraordinary four course meals using only a spatula and a toaster oven. I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken to Elvis.
"But I have never felt comfortable."
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