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by Darkman(DEM) My name is Darkman, and I am a demon slayer. I'm 30 years old. I got no wife, no kids. I work alone. Ok ok. My girlfriend dumped me and I lost my job. I work as a demon slayer because it pays the rent (just barely) and somebody's gotta take out the trash. But the job has some pretty sweet fringe benefits. You see, beasties always carry alot of gold and fine equipment on them. I end up making more money from looting their dead bodies than from my actual salary. And I get to kill whatever I want, which is always a plus. Well, rumors abounded of a dark force building up beneath the quiet town of Tristram. So, I traveled a few days journey to the village to see what was up. The dump was practically a ghost town. Half the houses were abandonded and the whole place could really have used a dusting. The Tavern of the Rising Sun, eh? I always used to say "You can read a town by the quality of it's saloon." That and I'm an alcoholic.. Well, I entered the inn slash tavern and made my way to the bar. "Hey barkeep, gimme a shot of your finest whiskey!" I shouted trying to impress the other patrons. "Sure, stranger. That'll be twenty gold pieces," the twitching guy behind the counter stammered. "Uh.. on second thought, just gimme some of what that bum over there is havin." I took my cheap ale and sat next to the druken hobo who smelled of urine and looked as if he had lice. "Hi, name's Darkman, demon slayer extraordinaire." "Butcher! Big! Big cleaver killing all my friends. Couldn't stop him, had to run away. Couldn't save them. Trapped in a room with so many bodies... So many friends... Nooooooo!" "Yeah.. uh, that's real interesting.. Good thing I do that sort of thing for a living. How much will ya pay me to go whack this butcher guy?" "Pay? Lazarus will pay! hiccup He lead us.. down there.. Lazarus! Lazarus! Lazarus..." "Right... I'm going to go stand over here now..." Damn, this place was giving me the creeps. Must be some serious stuff going on down there. I downed my drink and headed outside to see what I could find out about this Lazarus guy. I saw a beautiful young vixen standing enticingly at the corner of the townsquare. "Hi, how may I serve you?" she said with a warm smile. Alright! Now we're talkin'! "Hey there, little barmaid, gimme some sugar baby!" smack! "What--I got money!" smack! smack! smack! thud! When I came to I was face down in the muddy banks of the river oustide town. Damn, how did I get here? My whole head hurt as I struggled to stand myself up. I looked at my reflection in the water, two black eyes and a bloodly lip. "That dame has some right cross! Guess she's not that type of barmaid, heh" I dusted myself off and was heading back on the path to town when I spotted a run-down shack in the distance. "Heh, must be reaching the good part of town." Some strange colored smoke was rising from a cauldron out front and a scantily dressed hag was stirring the brew over an open fire. I approached the place and politely asked the witch what she had for sale. "Yo she-bitch, whatcha got cookin?" "WHAT!" Next thing I knew, juju was flyin everywhere and I took off running never looking back. That was close, too close. "Note to self: do not piss off the townspeople." Great, now I got two black eyes, a busted lip, a singed jacket and nothin to show for it. It was getting late when I finally made my way back into town. A cloaked man greeted me as I sipped some water from the fountain. "Hello, my friend. Stay a while and listen." I whiped the water off my mouth with the back of my hand. Hmm.. Cain the storyteller. Maybe this guy knows something that can help me. "Hey, old man. Name's Darkman, demon slayer extraordinaire. What do ya know about a guy named Lazarus?" "Lazarus? This does not bode well... blah blah blah... You must hurry and rescue Albrecht from the hands of Lazarus. There prince and the people of this kingdom are counting on you!" "Yeah yeah--he's a bad evil dude on level 15--need to stop him before he sacrifices the kid or we're all doomed--I got it already." Hmm.. level 15. That's a longass walk. Good thing I know a short-cut. I swung by Pepin's shop to pick up some healing potions, I had a feeling I would need them.. Behind the healer's house I stood staring at the red glowing gorge in front of me. Easy does it now--whoops! Aaaaaaahhhhhh! Ooow! Ack! Son of a--oof!" crunch! ".. so much for plan A.. Ugh, what's that smell? Oh, I'm laying on top of a month-old coprse. Lovely." Human limbs hung from the walls and the floor was stained with blood. I got to my feet and took a step forward. Then I was knocked back on my ass by some big black thing. I swung my Civerb's Cudgel wildly hoping to make contact. I heard a ghastly moan and then the damn thing disintegrated into a pile of ashes. I got up and healed the slash marks across my chest. "Damn, what the Hell was that?" Just then two more of the bastards ran at me throwing Lightning bolts at my ass the whole way. I stood my ground and Cudgelized the demons. "On second thought, I'm beginning to like this." I moved further into the room and two giant snakes came at me brandishing swords. What, you don't believe me? They were snakes I tell you, evil snakes. Well the two snakes fought pretty well for snakes, but they weren't as bad as the black alien dudes. I took another step--ok maybe it was two steps--and three of the aliens ran at me. "Uh oh.. better turn them to stone quick.. uh, what were the words? An Xen Por! Uh, An Tym? Arrrrrgggg!!" "Son of bitch.. That's gonna leave a mark." Somehow I ended up at Pepin's house fully healed and nude as the day I was born. Pepin explained how he can resurrect newly slain heroes, but he cannot save their armor. Great, so there I was half-dead with no clothes and only my spare flail as a weapon. I headed back down to Hell to get some payback. The good thing about being completely naked was I was able to sneak up on the demon aliens and kick their ass before they knew what hit them. Ok, so I figured out how to turn them to stone and they didn't have a chance to fight back. Same difference. The important thing is I got my stuff back and remembered how to turn stuff to statues. I moved slowly not wanting to die again. Dying's pretty painful you know. I sloshed through half a dozen more chambers before I finally found the stairs down to level 14. "Hmm.. might as well go down." Normally I would personally see to it that each and every demon meets his end, but I was eager to get to the big guy Lazarus. It's common knowledge among demon slayers that once the boss goes down his minions lose all their power. I figured someone else could mop up the mindless zombies I leave behind. Hell, I'm not paid by the hour you know. But I needed a break first. My armor was worn, my shield was dented like a piece of alluminum foil, the handle on my Cudgel was about to fall off, and my head hurt from casting so many damned spells. I called up a portal to town and went to restock on potions and persaude the blacksmith to repair my gear. A short while later I was rearing to go. "Down we go.." I was all pumped up for Lazarus. I thought I kicked some serious demon ass on level 13 and I was ready to kill whatever came my way. Ten seconds later I was back in town. "What ails you my friend?" "Some crazed dogs on rabies totally ransacked my ass! They sure as Hell weren't demons. My Cudgel swung right through them like ghosts!" "Oh, you must mean the Lava Maws. They are very dangerous animals. You must have sturdiest of full plate mails to combat them." "Looks like I'm shit outta luck. I can't afford plate armor and I only fight demons anyway." "Hmmm.. I think I remember Griswald saying something about using sharp weapons on the living.." "Well why didn't you say something before??" "But you never--" "Doesn't matter--I forgive you.. Looks like it's back to the broad sword for me. I got a Savage Sword of Vampires that I save for special occaisons such as this.." "Here, doggie! Papa's got a special treat for you! Yes he does, yes he does!" I was back on level 14 and confident in my new approach. The pups came running at me and I shredded their little doggie guts all over the place. "Oh yes! It's play time!" Just as I was starting to have fun, a barrage of Blood Stars came flying at me from the darkness. A mass of Hell Spawn and Snow Witches appeared out of the shadows and flung endless streams of magic my way. I edged towards the witches trying to dodge their attacks. As I was circling around, two doggies ran up and licked my face. This stopped me in my tracks and I tried in vain to ward off their thrashings. The Blood Stars caught up with me and I was toast. "Back again?" "Shuddap and heal me, you healer." I was enraged. No way I could slowly hack down these dogs and chase witches at the same time. This was worse than a Nightmare, it was Hell. I had to go even slower now. I took half steps and retreated around a corner each time I saw something. This kept me alive for a few minutes, but my Stone Cursing misfired and a pack of doggies had me for lunch, again. All this spell casting and getting my ass kicked was giving me a headache. I was beginning to think that kid was a goner. Over the next hour I died several more times but was finally making some progress. I looked down at the map I had sketched. "This must be it, the last room, the room with the stairs freakin down. Lazarus can wait, I'm going to town." I got my stuff repaired at Griswald's and was about to start back towards my portal. "Heck, might as well have a couple beers while I'm up here to take the edge off.." I awoke to a bucket of cold water being splashed on my face. It was that dyslexic tavern owner. "Thank goodness you're still alive!" "Just barely, chief. Uh, what time is it?" "It's time for you to save the village and free the boy from the Archbishop Lazarus!" I had a feeling he was going to say that.. Damn, I was exhausted. I took a piss behind the tavern and sluggishly walked to the blue portal just outside town. "Here we go again.." I went down the stairs and found myself right behind Lazarus's temple. "Wow, my first stroke of luck on this damn quest." Two Drakes tried to do me in at the stairs but they went down easily enough to my Cudgel. "So far so good.." I circled around Lazarus's chamber and was about to rush in when out of nowhere four Drakes ambushed me. I couldn't even move they were kicking my ass so hard. sigh I went back down, turned the lot of them to stone and returned the favor. "Time to get Laz!" I rushed into Lazarus's room wildly swinging my weapon. Fireballs and Blood Stars came hurdling at me from all directions. "Holy shit!!" I did an about-face and ran my ass outta there. The four satanic witches followed me out and unleashed their fury. I gulped healing pots and took them down one by painful one. After I caught my breath I went straight for Lazarus. I Stone Cursed him and bashed him into oblivion, but his guards continued to hurl Fireballs at me. "Uh.. didn't you get the memo? You guys are supposed to die when I kill your master!" But they wouldn't listen to reason. Typical lawyers! Damn, I was running out of healing potions and these guys were putting the hurt on me. Finally the last one of the wicked lawyers fell to my blows. "Looks like I'm too late." The poor kid was already slaughtered. I shook my head and made a portal to town. "What's this? Kill Lazarus you say and we'll all be ok. Well I'm not ok--those Fireballs really smart! And that poor little kid sure as Hell isn't ok!" "Ah, it is as I feared. The boy that you described is not our prince, but I believe that Albrecht may yet be in danger. You must seek a symbol of power, a pentagram, a portal to the very heart of the labyrinth. There you must destroy Diablo, The Lord of Terror, before it's too late!" "Ugh, you mean I gotta go back down there and fight an even bigger demon?? You guys better be paying me for this.." "Need to find the over-sided pentagram.." I was outside of Lazarus' room wondering where to begin my search. I peeked around the corner into the next room. Sure enough, there was the pentagram on the other side of the room. Weighing my options I decided to just run for it--I didn't think it was that far. I took off running for the flashing pentagram dodging mobs of Drakes and firey Balrogs. Well it was farther than I had thought. There was no way I would make it with dozens of beasties on my heels and even more blocking my way. A thought raced through my mind. I murmered a few words and quickly Teleported into the center of the pentagram. "Phew! That was close. Now where the heck I am?" I was spinning uncontrolably through a red void. "Aaaaaaaahhhhhh! S-o-m-e-b-o-d-y m-a-k-e i-t s-t-o-p!" thud! "Pain.. Need to work on my landings.." I had made it, I was on level 16, Diablo's lair. The good news was there was no welcoming party to greet me, but the level was crawling with Advocates and Blood Knights that didn't not take kindly to strangers. Cain mentioned Diablo had to be released from his prison by a series of levers and switches. I figured I could just find the final couple switches and pull those to let him out. I set out to the west in search of a way to get to Diablo and came to a large room that was heavily occupied by Advocates. I dodged their massive Fireballs as best I could and took cover around the corner. A small band of Knights gave chase and met their end with my demon-bashing Cudgel. "Not so tough without your lawyer friends are you?" But those damn lawyers were a real pain. They Teleported away each time I got near and while I was busy chasing one, all his friends would bake me with their Fireballs. I ended up turning most of them to statues which made things somewhat easier. I fought my way around a lower chamber and then back up again. I came upon another chamber and spotted a pair of skull switches inside the room. "This must be it!" But I got a rude surprise when Sir Gorash attacked me from behind with his bastard sword like the coward that he is. To make things worse, he brought a small army of Knights with him. I ran to get some distance and maneuvered about so that I only fought one of them at a time. Soon enough it was just me and Gorash left standing. I blocked his every attack and he died quickly to my Cudgel. "Ha! Some general you are!" I grabbed the cloak Sir Gorash so kindly dropped and took a trip to town to prepare for the battle with Diablo.  "Are you sure you want to Identify this item? Very well. Cloak of Vigor" "Heh, no wonder I kicked his ass!" "You have done well, but Diablo's powers have grown strong. I fear you may not have the strength to defeat him." "Hey, I've come this far! No way I'm gonna let some demon get the best of me!" "Good luck to you then. One more thing, seek to separate Diablo from his hordes of demons and you might gain the upper hand." "Oh yeah, good thinking! Diablo will wish he was never born!" I gathered my spare things, stocked up on some healing potions, and headed off valiantly into the sunset. Ok, so there was no sunset, but my Town Portal sorta looks like a sunset if you squint your eyes enough. I got a strange feeling when I returned to level 16. It felt like the level was alive, silently watching my every move. I kept looking over my back paranoid that something was following me. I reached the room with the switches and cautiously pulled the first skull lever with my natural Telekinesis ability. I waited, nothing happened. I tried the second switch and this time a heard a loud rumble and felt the earth move. I tip-toed towards the south room where Diablo was held. It was opened but nothing stirred. I blasted an array of Holy Bolts into the chamber to see what I could fish out. Diablo apparently didn't like that as he set me on fire with some type of spell. I doused the flames with a healing potion and looked up to see the huge beastie himself starring down at me. He was easily two stories tall and savagely clawed at my shield. I blocked as best I could and swung my flail with full force. The battle was bloody and both of us suffered heavy wounds. I was out of potions and nearly out of steam when Diablo suffered his final blow and violently errupted in a shower of blood.  I had bludgeoned The Lord of Terror to death! Strangely, I don't quite remember what happened after that. I awoke back at the Tavern of the Rising Sun. At first I wasn't sure if it was all a dream. It's not every day you save the world you know. But then I knew what I experienced was true when I found these three red dots embedded in my forehead! That and my clothes were soaked in blood. Well, my job there was finished. I packed my things and left town later that day never to see or hear from Tristram again. Well I never did get paid for killing Lazarus or defeating Diablo, but I left Tristram knowing that I made it a better place. Plus I scored with Gillian. Fine, I didn't actually score with Gillian, but I did save the world from Diablo's wrath. You gotta give me credit for that. Oh, and I managed to gleam a King's Sabre of Giants off one of the Blood Knights. See, I told you it pays to plunder! Now if I could just get rid of these stupid dots in my forehead.. Darkman(DEM) |