RELEASE DATE: 1980
RATED: PG
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Before we jump into the plot, let us explore what went down back in the post-disco era. The decade of excess had just arrived and disco was all but dead. Olivia Newton-John had achieved major success with John Travolta in 1978's monumental musical movie Grease. She was ready to become a leading lady in Hollywood and Xanadu was going to make her name bigger than ever. How could a movie with her name ever be a flop? They had to believe she was magic...
Oh but they needed co-stars in those Broadway lights so the great Gene Kelly was going to be on the bill. This was the guy who tap danced into history in Singin� In The Rain back in 1952. They had every right to believe he was magic too...
Lastly, they needed a romantic interest for Olivia Newton John�s character. Michael Beck had all the right looks for this role. He had just starred in the ultra controversial and viciously awesome classic The Warriors in 1978. In his role as Swan, he lead his gang through countless enemies to make it back home to Coney Island. In this movie, he was to be a sensitive artist. Nice leap...but...they had to believe he was magic...
The end result...Frosted Lucky Charms was more magical than this movie. Many have tore this movie a new hole and I probably won�t be kind either in this review. However let me say;
1.) I respect it�s spot in the history of bad movies.
2.) It really tried it�s hardest to be the next big movie musical...it took a huge blow for the genre.
3.) Its ok to admit the music is kind of groovy.
Our tale of Greek philosophy meets roller rinks begins with a credit sequence in which you can smell the arrogance. Indeed this sequence was thrown together by people thinking this was the biggest thing since Rocky Horror. A montage of the movie�s music plays as a few aircraft circle the earth changing from a plane to a UFO, etc. The musical montage reminded me of what they would play at the beginning of a Broadway number while warning you about �no flash photography�.
Cut to some clarinet playing dude on a rock next to the ocean. Pointless as that was for now, we quickly get introduced to our hero Sonny Malone (Beck). Through the 800 or so pieces of artwork he rips up we can assume he�s is more of a pissed off painter than Hitler was. Anyhow, he rips up one last painting which blows down the street to a mural of 9 chicks.
Who are they...allow me to introduce the Greek muses who start to dance. They�re �alive� according to ELO and apparently are radioactive. That and I guess its safe to assume there aren�t any good clothing stores in the realm of Gods. They all kind of dress like Cyndi Lauper.
Olivia Newton John happens to be one of the muses. After what seems like hours of frolicking, the muses take off all over California in an Activision glow. Newton-John ends up bumping into Malone while roller skating and kisses him. I guess thats why the Beach Boys dug California girls...they�re apparently easy according to this movie.
This cuts to Malone driving to work once again in a rather expensive looking car. To avoid plot stupidity, lets assume the starving artist jacked it. Anyhow, we learn from his co-workers (who honestly most viewers would like to see skinned alive by the end of the movie) that Sonny quit painting album covers to do freelance. Now he is back again being a rather whiny bitch about what he wants to do with his life. Yes, our hero Malone does nothing but whine and pout his way through the whole movie. Yeah, just the kind of guy we want to root for in a flick.
Don�t worry, his negativity gets much better when his shrewd boss Simpson is introduced. The two banter back and forth about how Sonny�s knack for not following the rules. Now let me say that I am not one for fascism in the workplace by Sonny is an all out f*ck off with an attitude problem. I would have canned his ass again so he could paint pictures for Motel 6.
Simpson gives Sonny an album cover to paint and as fate would have it, Olivia Newton-John is on the cover in front of a green building. Sonny is happy to see her again and goes into major f*ck off mode asking everyone at his work about this chick. He gets directed to the photographer who took the picture. He claims there wasn�t supposed to be a model in the picture but on one shot the girl appeared. He liked it so much he decided to use her image on the album cover. Attention class, can you say �misappropriation�? I knew you could...
Sonny, with apparently nothing else better to do, heads out to the park where he originally saw Olivia Newton-John. Personally, I have never been to the Golden State but according to this movie, lots of people have no jobs and dig hanging out doing nothing at the beach. One of those people happens to be Gene Kelly�s character Danny McGuire who is the clarinet player from the beginning.
Sonny meets up with him and of corse the two start the mandatory friendship thing. The two annoyingly banter away about their similar interests in the music business and finally Olivia Newton-John shows up skating. Sonny quickly borrows a tiny motor bike thing from a chick on the beach and gives pursuit. I love how everyone in CA is so happy and trustworthy. Can I borrow your bike...sure! Can I be your friend...sure! Can I sleep with your mom...sure!
Sonny speeds after her only to drive into the ocean. Everyone gets a wonderful laugh including Danny who I�m assuming must of teleported in from 15 miles away. That would be a classic continuity error in movie history. By the way, what if Sonny didn�t know how to swim and he drown.; give him a life preserver d*ckheads. Over a cup of coffee, Sonny fills in Danny about the girl he was chasing and after that the two part ways.
Later on while roller skating, Sonny meets up with a guy named Big Al who owns a diner. You know, because if you�re a guy named Big Al its usually a rule you own a diner in a movie. Sonny, who apparently likes the temptation of head trauma, grabs on to his van and gets hauled to the building on the album cover. Wouldn�t you know it, the place is a bit of a dive but Sonny hears some music playing and goes in through the back door.
Cue up the song that easily gets drilled into your head, �Magic�. Personally whenever I watch this film, it�s a given I will be singing it for the next five weeks. Sonny spots the object of his affection skating around a bunch of garbage inside the building. The best part of this sequence is the Tie Fighter sounds she makes as she glides around majestically flapping her arms.
Sonny announces his presence by saying, �You�. The muse replies cleverly with, �Me�. As lame as that was, it�s the best as their dialog gets for the rest of the movie. Every time these two get together Ms. Muse replies to all of Sonny�s comments with ridiculous wise ass answers. For example;
Sonny: �Say you think we could...�
Muse: �See each other again...�
Sonny: �Yeah would you like that?�
Muse: �Why�
Yeah, she�s a bit on the Verucca Salt side of life isn�t she? Well anyhow Sonny, who isn�t at all concerned this girl keeps disappearing into thin air while skating around him, asks if they�ll see each other again. The muse says yep and this finally gives me the opportunity to start calling her by her name which is Kira.
The next day, Sonny is working on the album cover painting. According to Simpson he is taking too much time on the girl in the painting. Sonny plays the wise ass role again to Simpson. Simpson calls him into his office and we get treated to a ridiculous artist vs. the corporation conversation. Simpson insists he just do his work and get it done. In all actuality, Simpson truly is only doing his job as supervisor trying to straighten out a complete f*ck off. Sonny is supposed to be the one we root for because he is a dreamer...sorry...he is a whiny b*tch.
Sonny gets sent out to hang up some album covers at the local record store. While there, he meets up with Danny who is toting a Glen Miller album. Sonny decides once again that earning a paycheck is overrated and heads off with Danny to his home. We find out that Danny was once part of the Glen Miller Orchestra on clarinet. Danny gives the record a spin and Sonny looks through the album to find Kira dressed in era clothing in the liner notes.
In a poor little rich boy sub plot we find out Danny had given up on music to make millions in construction. Turns out Kira helped him in the music world but one day she left Danny thus making him turn away from music. Finally, as stupid as it is, we have a link for these two being friends. Of corse the two don�t realize that Sonny�s friend Kira is the same girl that helped Danny years ago. Danny still longs to get back into the music world and wants to open a club. Sonny agrees to help Danny find a club because if one person can help him, it�s a slacker artist.
Sonny leaves Danny alone with the record still playing. Dear lord, I can smell a flashback coming. Indeed it comes after Danny realizes he is getting rather old. He closes his eyes and the ghostly image of Kira singing with the band appears at his side. Personally, I thought this would have been more entertaining if it was formed as a cartoon air bubble. Who am I to judge �art� though.
Cue up another number which happens to be duet between Danny and Kira. Through the miracle of flashback in digital, Kira steps out of the flashback and joins up with Danny. The two start to sing and dance away in an empty room that clears the furniture out of nowhere. Anyhow, the number wraps up when Danny realizes that Kira, much like a chick in a teenage boy�s wet dream, is just part of his imagination.
Cut to Sonny who is working on the painting of Kira at night. Now for some stupid reason, the camera pans over and we see Kira secretly standing in the shadows. It pans back, then back again to reveal...gasp...she disappeared. Few thoughts on that;
1.) I suppose this was to make Kira seem magical. In all actuality even a mere mortal could have moved out the frame in the time they gave her.
2.) This type of shot is more fitting for the Mike Myers type of character. Why in this film?
Anyhow, Kira startles Sonny and is acting much nicer than before. She compliments him on his work and mentions he ought to, in so many words, get a new job. Sonny smugly mentions about his buddy Danny�s plan to open a club. Kira suggest the one where they met. Still thinking Kira is there for his personality, Sonny pretty much shoots down that idea for now. You know if I were a muse, which for the record I�m not, I�d give people a two shot deal. Two clues to get your sh*t together then I�m off again to the holy land.
Kira is much more patient than I would be and agrees to go roller skating with Sonny. Instead of hitting the street, Sonny decides on a wooing attempt by bringing Kira in the local recording studio. Now this is where things get a bit advanced in plot stupidity. Supposedly, all the major music artists record at this studio because it make scenes and sound appear. Sonny rolls over to the booth which kind of resembles the one you�d see at an electrical exhibit at a science museum.
He presses a bunch of crap which makes the �magic� happen. Also, the other big song from the movie �Suddenly� plays which is a duet between Olivia Newton John and the UK�s Cliff Richard. Since Beck isn�t a crooner, I guess we are supposed to suspend disbelief to think that Richard�s voice is representative of what Sonny is thinking.
Anyhow the two lovingly frolic around first to the set of a roof top (is that from U2's Where The Streets Have No Name video???) then they magically glide via support wire to a desert scene (is that from Men At Work�s Land Down Under video???) then they glide over to a rain storm where two umbrellas are supplied for them (I�ll give you one guess what Kelly movie influenced that) and then to a subway. Lets see we have rollers skates, Michael Beck and a subway...as much as I�d like to see The Punks from Beck�s last movie arrive to beat the snot out of them, alas they don�t.
The two wrap up their romp through private property and almost kiss. This is broken up by Simpson who kicks them out. The night is young so the two roll out into town and Kira brings Sonny to the run down building from the painting. Sonny finally takes a hint and agrees to take Danny to check out the joint.
Danny and Sonny pull up the next day and at first Danny thinks the place is a dump. However once inside the two have a meeting of the minds and decide they will open a rock n' roll club fused with big band music. The two call it a day and go home.
Oh how I wish it was that simple. This is Xanadu remember...we can�t have anything f*cking simple.
This is how it really goes down once the two go inside the building. Danny pictures a big band on the stage playing 40s era swing tunes. Yes the band actually appears and starts the play. Sonny, being the METAL guy, thinks they need a rock n� roll band complete with orange jump suits. Yes, his vision appears as well in the from of The Tubes. This band was known for writing Loverboy-like music but were about 75% less talented. Known hits...Talk To Ya Later and She�s A Beauty. Yeah...its that band...
Anyhow The Tubes jam away and this is the first time we get introduced to The Terror Of The Pink Package. A fellow in a pink spandex body suit prances around and for the rest of this sequence, his crotch assaults the viewers eyes without warning in between jump cuts.
Anyhow, the awful rock music keeps switching with Danny�s vision of big band music. The big band number becomes the focus for awhile featuring era dancers throwing each other around swing style. Then it goes back to Sonny�s rock band who now have a bunch more people in spandex prancing around the stage. One female dancer actually gets wrapped up to a piece of equipment and writhes in sexual pleasure. I�m assuming it�s the loving vibrations of The Tubes power music...um yeah...
Finally out of nowhere, two dancers from the rock side meet up with the big band dancers. They look at each other as if to say, �Your sooooo f*cking hot...I want to f*ck your brains out NOW� thus cuing the merger of the two forms of music. With these two together one would think they would suck even more. All kidding aside, I have to admit that they jived quite well and am impressed how they segued them so nicely. Who knows, maybe the loudness of the two made me think that.
The number wraps up with Danny exclaiming, �I love it�. He decides to go full fledge into the project and to make Sonny his partner. Sonny heads out to find a flashlight and Danny brainstorms for a name. Kira shows up and quotes poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge�s poem Kubla Khan in which the term Xanadu is involved. Danny realizes that Xanadu is the prime name for the club. Personally, I think if the poem Kira quoted had the word �Nantucket� in it, it would have been a much better scene.
Kira introduces herself and Danny insists that the two know each other. She plays the I have no clue who you are old man role while Danny plays the �But I Mean...Are You Sure Because...Well You...I Don�t Know� game. The two talk for a bit about the future of the club which Kira sees bright. Sonny comes in and confirms the club's name which is Xanadu in case you missed it the first 8 times Kira and Danny mentioned it.
Cut to Sonny who goes into work and in ultra wise ass form quits his job for good. I assume that references aren�t important to Sonny in case the Xanadu idea flops. He invites his co-workers to the opening and takes off to fill his...um...noble destiny.
Sonny hooks up with Kira later at night and pops the cork of some bubbly. He tries putting the moves on her but she refuses him. Sonny decides to take the nice guy route and talk about her life a little. She mentions living with 8 sisters in an apartment...how f*cking cute. The two banter about this and other useless information. When Sonny tries to find out if she is living with a boyfriend she replies that she is living with her sisters. What a f*cking c*ck tease.
Anyhow the two kiss cuing the infamous Don Bluth animation sequence accompanied by a horrid ELO ballad. Bluth, prior to this film, was a very well known animator for Disney but left for a rival company. One of his first assignments...this film, what a f*cking leap huh. The animation looks nothing like Sonny and Kira but bounces along as they turn into fish then to birds then to themselves.
Don�t cry for Bluth though, he went on to co-create the epic video game Dragon�s Lair. I usually ended up as a skeleton in that game which generally pisses me off. Bluth also did animation for several films like An American Tail, The Land Before Time and Thumbelina. Sadly, I continue confuse his work thinking they�re Disney films.
Anyhow, the sappy animation wraps up and we get treated to Danny getting sloshed with his construction crew. Why, well because using a hammer and nails is much more fun if you�re tanked. Kira and Sonny note that Danny needs some new threads and take him out shopping at the local lousy clothing store.
A bunch of mannequins sporting Flock Of Seagulls hair cuts beckon the group into the store. Here we go again with another ridiculous number over ELO music. Danny tries on a bunch a clothing while members of every new wave band of the 80s run around. Oh this sequence has it all...girls hanging from coat racks, a pink ZZ Top type car, a pinball machine...aka a bunch of horsesh*t.
Anyhow this wraps up with Sonny and Kira dancing which oddly speeds up construction at Xanadu 100 fold. Hey, since it sped this movie along, I say just buy it. Anyhow, everyone is excited about Xanadu opening but Kira has a little something on her mind. She is very...sniff...depressed about...sniff sniff...developing feelings for Sonny because it wasn�t supposed to happen. Excuse me...I�m a little saddened...
Ok I�m over it, anyhow when they get back to Sonny�s place she tries to convince him she is a muse from Mount Halcyon. She then says, �My real name is Ter...� and then Sonny plants a kiss on her. So, I think its safe to assume this would be the muse named Terpsichore who was in charge of dance. Um wait a minute...dance...roller skating...wheres the f*cking link? Am I supposed to buy that every time I see someone roller blading they are doing a jig? Perhaps Kira should get her sh*t together and knock off the person who invented country line dancing.
Anyhow in a bit that I actually found somewhat amusing, Kira creatively uses a dictionary and a noir film to convince Sonny. Sonny is rather disturbed at this and Kira leaves him in a flash of radiation. The next day, Danny finds Sonny sulking on a rock wearing a way too high pair of shorts. Danny gives Sonny the old pep talk and tells him there has to be a way to get Kira back.
Cue up another musical montage to Sonny skating along until he spots the mural with the muses on it. He goes up to it...feels it...decides to skate straight for it...thus smashing his face into a bloody pulp and breaking his back in three places ending the movie. Ok...so it didn�t happen that way but it would have been most excellent. Rather he ends up in the magical world of the mythology which consists of several blinking red halogen bulbs. No wonder why architecture was left to the Romans.
Anyhow, Kira shows up and Sonny tries to whisk her away. Out of nowhere, a force field appears around Sonny which restricts his movement. Realizing he has the power to take on the Zeus, Sonny demands the all mighty to give up Kira. Instead of shoving a lightening bolt up his ass, Zeus politely shrugs him off saying it can�t be done. Going against any kind of mythology ever written, Hera appears as the kind voice of reason insisting it isn�t a big deal. However Zeus disagrees and sends Sonny�s roller skating ass back to earth.
This leaves us with Kira who stands alone singing a song. This number happens to be the very poor man�s version of Hopelessly Devoted To You. The song wraps up (I generally end up fast forwarding through it) and now all the blood, sweat and tears I poured into this review will begin to come to an end.
Its opening night and Danny stands before a huge neon Xanadu sign. Much like any standard grand opening, mimes are there juggling pins...um ok. Danny gives the camera the famous Mr. Rogers come along nod and skates away. He insists everybody get on their goddamn feet and party. Many people join him and many of them apparently called each other before heading out to match clothing. Honestly with all these groups of people matching, I was having flashbacks to Michael Beck�s happier acting days in The Warriors.
Well the hoopla continues with what I like to call the Xanadu shuffle which goes stomp, stomp, clap, clap clap...something...something...something...XANADU! Its almost as bad as the Electric Slide...if I were there I probably would have been heading to the parking lot.
All of this crap segues into much worse crap. Kira arrives to sing the film�s theme song in some rather fugly looking pants. She wanders around while singing and eventually we get treated to a dude in white leotards on a tight rope among other visual atrocities.
She wraps up the big song which parlays into her 8 sisters on the main stage. Ok now here is how the next batch of garbage goes;
1.) A tap dance number thats less animated than those animatronics at Chucky Cheese.
2.) METAL...um or what Olivia Newton John deems as...METAL. This would be the big 9 wearing tiger outfits. Growwwwwlllll indeed...
3.) A country number which made Rhinestone seem like The Godfather.
4.) The muses reincarnating the Xanadu number all dressed in gaudy attire. Kira seems to have rubbed her head against a X-mas tree loaded with tinsel. They all turn back to the rag doll clothing out of nowhere.
Finally...dear lord...finally it wraps up with Kira disappearing again and Sonny pouting. The club somehow is empty; apparently everyone, including me, ran away from the elaborate number but come back two seconds later. The song Magic plays again as Sonny walks away from the stage. He sits down next to Danny who orders him a drink. The waitress brings it over and Sonny reluctantly accepts the drink. However in a twist ending, the waitress is...gasp...Kira. Sonny ends the film with the line many were happy to hear, �I mean I�d, just like to talk to you�.
Little side point about the ending that I couldn�t figure out. Kira the waitress acted at first like she didn�t know who he was. Did Kira actually go back to Mount Halcyon and left a replicant? You know what...forget it...I don�t care to know...its over Johnny. The film lets us know it was �Made In Hollywood USA�...oh ok...I guess that makes it special. Forget all things negative I have said about this movie...um...actually f*ck that to hell.
Xanadu has indeed reserved it�s spot in many cult followings. As for myself, movie musicals have always been goofy to me. So in all honesty I couldn�t really see why this movie has been made the poster child for bad musicals. ELO�s score and Olivia Newton John�s singing are well produced and the songs (as lame as some of them are) are catchy as hell. In other words, its not illegal to have a copy of this film on your movie shelf. And yes I have much worse movies than this on my shelf.
The good news, the film produced one of the biggest soundtracks ever which I�m assuming blew the movie away in sales. The three big stars did their best with the horrid script but nothing could save this flick. Not even the Gods apparently. As for the big three stars of the film...well lets cover post Xanadu life.
Hollywood quickly realized nothing would ever repeat the success of Grease for Olivia Newton-John. The singer/actress pretty much left acting and quickly graced the pop charts with more smash hits like Physical. Truly the muses helped her out in that sense.
Gene Kelly sadly only appeared in a few more roles until his death in 1996. He will be remembered more for his work in the classics rather than this film. Although his work in the film proved he had style til the end. The film had some saving graces and Kelly was number one on that list.
Lastly, and the one person I feel most for in this movie, Michael Beck. Being a huge fan of The Warriors it was almost painful to watch his career go down the drain because of this movie. Beck may not of had Oscar winning acting talent but he could have easily gone on to become the next big action star. If the 80s proved one thing was true, you didn�t need a whole lot of acting talent to become a huge. Just keep your mouth shut and beat the crap out of people. Beck had rugged looks and pulled off fight scenes with grace. Xanadu was truly the nail in his acting career coffin. Well unless you call Megaforce a cinematic masterpiece.
The man behind the camera, director Robert Greenwald has since achieved major success with several left-wing documentaries such as Wal-Mart The High Cost Of Low Price. Ironically, I�m sure several copies of Xanadu are resting comfortably in one of their bargain bins.
My final thoughts on Xanadu? Perhaps it�s the horrid dialog in between dance numbers on which people really focused their attention. Or maybe it�s the terrible costumes or the concept of a muse helping to build a roller skating rink or it could very well be the oddball dance numbers; it doesn�t matter. The Rocky Horror Picture Show had just as goofy a concept with a transvestite doctor building the perfect man. Yet that musical is hailed as brilliant and rightfully so.
In my unprofessional opinion, I diagnose Xanadu as suffering from the �I�m Going To Be The Biggest Thing Since Sliced Bread Syndrome�. To build a film around someone as green in the acting world as Olivia Newton-John was just plain idiotic. Xanadu apparently was trying to be bigger than Grease but was laughed off the screen. Meanwhile, a film like Rocky Horror knew it was goofy and aimed it�s attention toward a cult following. Perhaps Xanadu should have done this in the first place instead of trying to woo the common public.
Xanadu did eventually end up bouncing into it�s own cult following with the bad movie community and it supposedly has a huge gay following. So if you�re a gay bad movie lover, this would be your Citizen Kane.
Indeed Xanadu had a legacy in mind and ended up with one they never expected. Movie musicals took an almost fatal blow with this flick. The well choreographed Annie came out a few years later which kind of healed that wound. More recently, the laughable Moulin Rouge has become the new oddity of movie musicals. Dare I take that one on next...
I dedicate this in depth review to the muse of bad movie fans. Long may you inspire us to watch tripe like this film.
I pretty much covered everything...I'd have to be held at gun point to review the odd moments again...
1.) Simpson - Go figure, the only person that is realistic in this movie happens to be the only A-Hole. What does that say for our society?
