RELEASE DATE: 1965
RATED: Unrated
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider - 5/1/08
The film begins with the plastic looking Spaceship Argos circling an uncharted planet. The crew all work hard staring at random blinking lights while the ship�s captain, Mark, spouts out random orders. I have to stop here and examine the costume design in this film. First off, the suits look as about as comfortable as wearing a leather futon cover. Secondly, for reasons I�m not sure of, the collars come up to the cast�s eyes. So apparently turning your head to cough or sneezing would be a bad idea.
Argos radios in with Captain Salas of another ship named Galliot. Out of nowhere their communications are interrupted when the uncharted planet starts sucking in Argos. The cast do their best to look like they�re in pain with slow motions and speaking as if they had just eaten week old egg salad. All of it wraps up when Mark lands the ship manually on the planet. However, in a scene I found unintentionally funny, the crew all start beating the snot out of each other. Shortly after being smacked around though, most of them return to their normal state unaware of what happened. One of the crew members runs out of the ship and Mark rescues him. Mark notes there isn�t a scratch on the ship which amazes him.
Mark regroups the forces but this gets interrupted when communications gets a distress call from Salas. They note the Galliot has landed across a bubbling hot river of muck. The crew grab their guns, which resemble a cheap ass vacuum cleaner attachment, and hop across rocks to get to the ship. Once there they discover two dead crew members outside the ship in a rather homoerotic pose. They find more carnage inside the ship with pretty much everyone dead. However, t here proves to be 3 missing crew members.
Cue up an unnecessarily slow search mission. The group�s first stop is to investigate a dripping sound from the control room. This happens to be a meteor rejecter (which oddly looked like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit) dripping what looks like spaghetti sauce on a crew member. The group moves on to a door they can�t get through. A crew member named Eldon guards the Galliot while the others head back to Argos for some cutting tools. Eldon stars to hear someone calling out his name which prompts him to run into the ship.
When the other crew members arrive back at the Galliot, they note Eldon�s disappearance. Being true gentlemen, they leave a female crew member named Tiona in front to guard hostile territory as they go back into the ship. When they enter they find out�gasp�all the bodies have disappeared. The crew decide to get out of Dodge when a disturbing mist floats in. This kicks off a rather confusing scene in which three tall steel structures marking the dead member�s graves fall down. Out of nowhere, the dead crew members rise in the plastic wrap they were buried in. What the hell is up with the plastic wrap, I have no clue.
The crew of the Argos decide to call it a night. A fellow named Wess explains to Mark they have a 3 in 10 chance of getting off the planet. However, later that night Wess stumbles past Mark in the control room as if he had one too many glasses of scotch. Mark follows Wess and stops him when he tries to deactivate the meteor rejecter. Wess claims not to know whats going on, much like the people writing the script for this movie. Dr. Karan, the ship�s physician, claims that the unseen beings on the planet can control the minds of the unconscious. So, Mark decides to put a watch on anyone dozing off. Gee I wonder where this is going to end up.
Mark and a few crew members go out to investigate a mysterious flashing light. This is after an outfit change from black suits to orange. I�m thinking this is their intergalactic version of sweat pants. When they get to the light, they note it is a large structure unlike any they have ever seen. They also note a human skeleton of epic size. (Hmmmm, so that�s what happens to Rosie O�Donnell in the future.) Mark tells his crewmate Carter to guard the front of the place while a female crew member named Sanya enters.
Mark and Sanya enter what I like to call the chamber of giant lava lamps. The two start touching stuff like a three year old in a toy store. None of it really does any good. They get shocked from one device and start up another device that grumbles/locks the door. Sanya finds a giant tuning fork which Mark tries to use to get the door open. With that not working, Sanya starts to gasp for air. This is mainly because a vent starts to suck out the oxygen in the room. Mark throws the tuning fork in anger and it lands next to the device that shocked them. Somehow this opens the door and the two escape. I guess I can buy that�um yeah.
Anyhow, Mark finds out that Carter has gone MIA. They head back to the ship where they learn that Tiona has gone into shock. She�s claiming to see dead folks around her and whatnot. Mark, apparently not learning that posting guards is bad on this planet, sets up a guard on the ship while Wess fixes it. Wess informs him that either they�ll launch successfully or blow up. Hmmm�that�s good odds I guess. All of this gets interrupted when one of the posts spot Salas and a crewman. Mark, who apparently is vying for the worst captain of the year award, buy their story about wondering around aimlessly. Tiona comes out of her slumber to say �um, hell no� in so many words.
Tiona takes the boys out to the graves and low and behold only a piece of plastic exists. As easily predicted, Salas and his buddy mess with the meteor rejecter and steal it. When Salas is accosted, we find it is only Salas�s rotten body and another person�s spirit inside of it. You see�deep breath�the planet is filled with parasitic beings who are dying and need a body to jump into so they�ve summoned the ships there so they can continue to exist that way the beings can use their spaceship to leave their planet because their sun is dying�ok feel free to real that again. It won�t make any more sense than it already does though. Perhaps less sense. Anyhow, the alien race set their demands and hold the rejecter hostage.
Mark and the guard wrestle effeminately for a bit and Mark finally puts the vacuum attachment gun to use. Does he blow his head off thus ensuring not to alarm the other undead folk? No the idiot shoots him in the kneecap which prompts the corpse to scream in pain loudly. Mark has officially at this point put his crew in more danger than Captain Ahab. By the way I couldn�t really figure out if the gun did any damage whatsoever. It seems to simply emit a high beam of light and shrill.
Well after a brief battle of sorts, the only survivors are Mark, Sanya and Wess. With the meteor rejecter back in their possession, Wess gets the ship going . Mark and Wess reinstall the rejecter and Wess decides to call it a night. However, during his sleep he gets a visit from Mark. Wess tells this to Sanya and describes Mark �furtively� visiting him. Yes he uses the word �furtively� and no I�m note being creatively cute with my words.
Sanya and Wess go in to confront Mark but it turns out Sanya is in cahoots with Mark. You see, both of them have been taken over by the vampire planet. Wess decides to go out in a blaze of glory destroying the rejecter. However, Mark and Sanya, in an ending which I suppose is shocking, decide to land on a primitive little planet known as earth.
Alas,. POTV is a forgettable sci-fi film but one can see where it was ahead of it�s time. It uses the standard �one cast member at a time disappearing� concept which is often beaten to death in modern space films. The whole film is basically the following concept;
1.) Crew member gets sent to watch something while other crew member check out something.
2.) Crew member goes missing.
3.) Other crew members go searching for crew member.
4.) Current crew members get distracted by something.
5.) Crew member gets sent to watch something while other crew members check out something.
Repeat that sequence around 10 times and theres the movie. I should point out the flick seems to have two points of action; point A and point B with very little �C� points. Point A and B being the spaceships which look the same. So in a sense it might as well have been one point.
Granted POTV is classic cheese and fun to watch. However it really ends up showing how dragged out the �one cast member at a time disappearing� clich� can be without good effects. I do have to hand it to director Mario Bava for making the most out of the minimal effects. However, some viewers may rather stake these vampires than give them a second watch.
