TITLE: Ultracop 2000

RELEASE DATE
: 1992

REVIEWED BY
:  The DarkSider - 2/28/09
THE PLOT:    The film starts off with two sword wielding dudes standing on what resembles a strip club stage.  This apparently is Mars or what the budget allowed to look like the red planet anyhow.   The �good� dude, who�s name I think is Jakka but I don�t have the time or patience to verify that, stares down the �bad� dude named Zorback.  He demands that Zorback come with him because he broke the law.  The two engage in battle which revolves around  numerous corny camera tricks mixed with sounds that seem like they came out of a hand held video game.  Somehow this battle spills out to earth where the two land in a fiery explosion.  Jakka demands that Zorback take the fight back to Mars and leave the earthlings alone.  Zorback insists that he will stay and take over the planet. 

Meanwhile in another plot line far away, we join up with an elite police force who is on horseback.  They practice firing at targets which makes me think that equestrian gunfights are common place in their workday.  I should mention that one of them played Rogan in The Story Of Ricky.  She plays Betty and the leader of her team is named Tony.  Sadly I have to admit I NEVER knew Rogan was a chick playing a guy.  I thought Rogan was a bit light in the loafers if you know what I mean.   Anyhow, later in the day, the team receives orders from their captain to infiltrate the local gang known as The Black Dragon.  Apparently, and I think they generally leave the audience to figure this out, a guy named Benny is their inside man undercover.  That evening, Benny tries to work out a deal with the gang boss but it goes sour quick. 

After numerous rounds of gunfire, Zorback shows up for reasons I�m not sure about.  He pretty much wastes just about everyone in the room and attempts to harness energy (aka, awful computer generated special effects) from a fallen victim through his ass.  Ok, so it was lower back but it was rather close to the butt crack.   Jakka puts a stop to this which gives way to another  physics challenging fight.  The cops all storm in to find the place a mess and Benny barely alive.  The captain arrives and gives the team a tongue lashing for botching the bust.  Luckily for them, Benny survives his wounds and gets put up at the local hospital.

The cops peruse the Black Dragon�s leader who�s name is Mr. Wong.  Their search leads them a few places, all of which don�t add to much for the plot line.  After all this, the film cuts over to a guy on a ledge who�s threatening suicide.  The suicidal guy yells down to his gay lovers about having AIDS.  His lovers then decide to have an effeminate slap fight over their suicidal boyfriend.  The fact the dubbed voices were doing  their  best to sound overly�well�.�gay� kind of made me if homophobia had  boundaries back in the day.   Anyhow, Zorback decides to join the plot again and attempts to harness energy from the gay guy but fails.  Jakka arrives and the two fight away once again which yields no real result again..
"Making news today, gallop by shootings continued to spawn terror in the midwest..."
So seeing its about high time the two completely different plot lines come together, the cops head to the hospital to interview the suicidal gay guy.  They find out from him about the two alien fighters.  Meanwhile across town Zorback takes another life and does the energy harness thing again.  Surprising as it may sound, Jakka shows up again and the two fight in another round of low budget special effect-fest.  The next day, the cops investigate the body pile left by Zorback.  They note the strange wounds and the fact their life force seems to have been sucked out of them. 

So yes things are a bit idiotic and disjointed with this film thus far.  Well, sorry to say things are just starting.  The cops go and apprehend the gay guy from the hospital because�well�I don�t know.  While leaving a bunch of militant people show up and open fire.  They hit the road with the militants in pursuit.  Oddly, they come across a bunch of people parked in the middle of the road.  This proves only to be more crap  for the special effects crew to blow up pointlessly.  .Anyhow, 8 million rounds and not even the side of a barn hit later, the slow moving chase wraps up. 

Tony and Betty bring the gay guy up to the station.  When the chief finds out about his disease, he kicks him out of the building.  What, that wasn�t homophobic enough?   Well add in that this is followed by bunch of people pointlessly spaying him with shaving cream and you�ll feel different. Not homophobic enough?  How about the chief ordering everyone in the place to have a blood test.  Even for Benny who gets a clean bill of health from the hospital.  

Anyhow, they take the gay guy to a professor who apparently is researching the Martian phenomenon.   Most of which has taken up about less than 10% of the movie thus far.  The cops, who apparently hang out all day together even in off duty hours, get attack by Zorback at night.  Jakka arrives and after another brief battle, introduces himself as a universal police officer to the cops.  The next day however, the chief decide interplanetary wars aren�t as important to local gang wars.  He assigns the group to handle some major stuff about to go down in gangland.  At this point, I guess you can predict whats next.

Yep, a whole bunch of gunshots fired and stuff blowing up accompanied by Zorback pointlessly soaring in to slice and dice a few people  Oh wait, whats that you say?  You think Jakka is going to arrive for another brief sword fight?  How smart you are!  During the battle Zorback strikes a mighty blow which cripples Jakka.  Jakka, who oddly spits up white foam from his injuries, informs everyone that he is from Mars and they must stop Zorback before he conquers the earth.  He hands  Betty his weapon and sores off somewhere. 

Speaking of Zorback, he is chilling out in his own fortress of retarditude which consists of a few halogen lighted beams.  In the land of convenience-ville, Mr. Wong of the Black Dragons meet with some arms dealers one room over.  When Wong tests the weapons, this  p*sses off Zorback worst than an old guy complaining about his neighbor�s stereo.  He leaps into action and sprays them in the face with some white powder.  At this point I decided that trying to understand this movie�s plot line has to be simply one of the most challenging things I�ve ever put my brain through in my entire life.  Yeah it took me that long to realize it too sadly.
Boy George Night at the local asylum was always a hit until the cops arrived to break things up.
The Sword In The Stone 2:  Wart's New Toy
Well apparently the white powder enables Zorback to control the bad guys.  Tony and Betty, who I�m assuming read the script to find out where the bad guys were, arrive and more gunplay and chop socky takes place.  Betty notes they men are like zombies who reanimate when shot.  Zorback, for more reasons I don�t understand, kills them off with his sword.  Betty struggles with the sword, which kind of stays withdrawn, until Zorback attacks.  The sword springs to full size and the two battle it out for a bit until Tony blasts Zorback with a rocket launcher. 

With Zorback disabled for a bit, the professor from earlier comes in with a weapon.  This would be the gay guy from earlier incased in mobile cabinet which for some reason scares Zorback.  Apparently homophobia is earth�s greatest weapons against alien threats according to this film. Stupid�anyhow�after a bunch of nonsense involving Zorback running from the gay guy, the cops with a last minute assist from Jakka take care of Zorback.  This causes stuff to start exploding but before they can get out�are you ready for this one?  Seriously, brace yourself people�you ready?  Are you really ready?  Tony wakes up in his house to his wife telling him it was all just a dream. 

Excuse me while I try to gather my scattered brain cells�

This film is nothing more than a completely incoherent piece of tripe.  However make no mistake, it reaches a new level of incoherency that will boggle the mind, test the soul and quite frankly�drive you f*cking bananas..  Lets explore the obvious together. 

First off, I have no idea what this film was when it came to themes.  From what I gathered it could be any of the following;
A.) Science Fiction
B.) Shoot Em Up
C.) Slapstick Comedy
D.) Kung Fu
E.) All the stuff above with a heap load of excrement added in

For the record, I�m voting for option �E�.  Sure with the �all of the above� nominated you�re probably thinking, �wow DarkSider, how they hell can you hate a film with all these things in it�?  Once again I bring up the comparison to food.  Just because some foods are enjoyed by themselves,  you sure as hell wouldn�t put them into a casserole 

Lets move on to the�er�plot which honestly looks like it was written by a middle school kid as they went along.  First we�re dealing with these two guys from Mars who bring their Highlander-like sword fights to earth.  Ok�I�m cool with that.  Then you bring in the super cop team who enjoying shooting on horseback.  Ok, I�m somewhat cool with that.  Then you bring in a stereotypical over the top homosexual who scares the lead villain�well�at this point I gave up being cool  with anything this movie had to offer. 

Which brings me to this�being half Polish (aka the brunt of many jokes) I can appreciate a good stereotype to an extent.  I�ve never been a fan of political correctness and feel it will truly be the death of humor in our society.  However there is a huge line people cross at times with their jokes which boarders on hatred.  I would argue this film basically leaped over that line with no apparent problems.  Maybe one or two jokes about gay stereotypes would have been ok with me.  After awhile I ended up saying to myself, �ok we get it, the guy is gay�move on�� 

I guess if anything, Ultracop 2000 is one of those films you can sit back with your friends and find out who says �what the f*ck� the most during it.  This one has all the right elements for a bad movie party such as support cables being  seen throughout the kung fu fights.  Then you have the endless plot elements that never get explained or resolved.  Also, stuff gets blown up at a rapid rate and shots are fired with reckless abandonment.  All of which has no point in the plot line but hey, I don�t think there was ever one in this movie anyhow. 

The red planet inspired this awfulness.   Click on the banner below to hopefully find something worth seeing.  Kuato telepathically asks this of you on behalf of the mutants.
YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE (the A-Holes of the film get their moment)
Zorback:  Looing for ultimate power in the crack of men's behinds may not be the best idea.  Especially on "all you can eat taco night" at the local buffet..
OVERALL GRADE
Click here to go back to the review page
Hosted by www.Geocities.ws

1