TITLE: Twilight Zone: The Movie

RELEASE DATE: 1983

RATED: PG

REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider - 6/11/05
THE PLOT: "Mommy...I had a nightmare about the monster on the wing."  Yeah thats what I said when I was 8 years old.  Now I wake my significant other up and tell her the same thing. This Roundtable was honestly hard to come up with a selection.  I used to sit through endless horror flicks with my older brother not phased by any.
This one stuck out more than any I was spooked by as a young DarkSider.  Now its time to relive those fears.
To bring you back to my infantile days, the picture to the left is yours truly with Santa.  The pic is a little old so the quality blows.  Still you may be able to tell how disgruntled I was on his lap.  I think it may have been because his "yule log" was standing at attention.  Who knows...this is one of the few pictures I am crying in.  What does it have to do with this review?  I shall rate the different stories in the Twilight Zone Movie with crying little DarkSiders...five being the most on the fear factor scale.  Now step with me into...
Twilight Zone...The Movie. Dun na na Dun na na Du na na...
Story #1: A car drives on a windy deserted road blaring Creedence.  In the car is Dan Aykroyd singing along with the driver to Midnight Special.  The cassette gets eaten by the player and the two are left in dead silence.  Thats when the driver asks his passenger if he'd like to see something scary.  He turns off the head lights and this gets old quick.  The two start up a new game, guess the television theme song.  Basically one hums or ba ba ba's a tv theme song and tries to stump the other.  Once again...this gets old quick.  The two strike up a conversation about Twilight Zone episodes.  Finally Aykroyd's character asks if the driver would like to see something really scary.  He suggests the driver pull the car over.  This is when he turns away, becomes a corpse, and attacks the driver.
Final Thoughts On Story #1: Short and sweet this one mildly scared me as a kid.  Not really the corpse as much as the two morons doing annoying renditions of famous tv theme songs.  That and I never knew anyone
could ruin Creedence so badly.
Story #2:  This is the intriguing story of William Connor who is a total racist and sexist prick.  He goes out one night to drink with his buddies.   He just got looked over for a promotion and he blames the Jewish guy who got it over him.  After using every racial slur in the book, he leaves the bar to find himself in unfamiliar surroundings. It turns out he is in Nazi Europe in the 1940s.  After being accosted by German guards, he makes several quantum leaps into different bodies at different times.  He takes on the role of a black man at a KKK meeting, a VC who gets shot at in Vietnam, and it all wraps up when jumps back to Germany in WW2.  He has the Star of David put on his chest and gets carted off on a train to his impending doom. 
Final Thoughts On Story #2: As a kid I didn't get much of the story to be scared.  Watching it again makes a lot more sense now. Now I'm afraid that one day I will leave my house only to find myself in a far away place surrounded by evil bad movie review web site operators making fun of everything I do.  Aw F*ck it...its just the chance I take doing movie review sh*t apparently. 
Story # 3: Steven Spielberg takes an another annoying old person tale to an another annoying level with the way to sweet tale of Mr. Bloom.  A guy who moves into a nursing home and breathes childhood fun back into the residents with a shiny tin can.
Final Thoughts On Story #3: Old people are much scarier when they are yelling at you to get off their lawn.  Back then I fast forwarded through it and nothing has changed.
Story # 4: A woman named Helen is new in town and accidently runs into a kid on a bike.  The boy, named Anthony, is ok but asks to be taken home.  It is there everyone in the house runs to greet him.  There is Uncle Walt, his sister Ethel (the voice of Bart Simpson), and his mother and father.  There are cartoons on everywhere in the house and the people act oddly.  Upstairs is his other sister Sarah who Anthony claims to have been in an accident.  Turns out she has no mouth very much like Neo in that part from the Matrix.  Well after dinner and a demented magic show from Uncle Walt we find out they are all hostages in the house.  Anthony has a huge power that makes all his wishes come true.  Ethel tells Helen that she is a prisoner along with all the rest of them.  She also tells her that Sarah lost her mouth because she yelled at Anthony.  This is when Anthony wishes her into cartoon land and she gets eaten by a huge monster.  A Tasmanian Devil rip off comes out of the tv and scares the group.  Helen tells Anthony to wish the monster away and he takes Helen to a quiet place.  He sends all his prisoners home and leaves with Helen who promises to fine tune his powers and not to leave him.  Apparently the two go on to do great things or something. 
Final Thoughts On Story #4:  Freaky images and the evil little sh*t brought fear into me as a child.  Watching it again it made me long for the days when children were simple.  Why doesn't anyone wish you into the corn field anymore?
Story #5:  This story just so happens to be the main reason why I picked this movie.  A little history on me...flying to many is an easy chore just like putting on your pants in the morning.  However for people like myself, it means death on every patch of turbulence.  You feel like you're in a capsule of death at several thousand feet.  That is part of the reason why this story has always messed with me.  I am very much like Mr. Valentine while I'm in the air.  I don't know why...maybe it is because of this movie.  The other reason why I am afraid of this story...well...lets move on with the story.

John Valentine (John Lithgow) is in a tiny bathroom on the plane freaking out.  A storm is brewing outside and it is obvious he hates flying.  He pops some pills and is escorted back to his seat by the stewardess.  While going back he does his best to convince himself flying is safer than taking a bath among other facts.  All is calm and then we get introduced to the, way to close to real life, passengers.

Maybe it is just me but whenever I find myself in an uncomfortable position, aka flying, I am surrounded by some of the most irritating f*cks on the planet.  This movie keeps things way to real by introducing some of those characters.  Theres the nosey, over talkative old couple behind Valentine who crack stupid jokes.  The fat disgusting slob who takes up three seats in front of him.  Then theres that annoying 8 year old b*tch who just can't SHUT UP with highly incompetent parents...ARRRRRGGGGGGG!  That and its always my luck just before I fly to read an article on a plane crash.  Valentine opens the newspaper to see one of those crashes is headline news. 

Valentine looks outside the window to see lightning strike the engine which reveals...A MAN ON THE WING!!! AHHHHHHH!!! Valentine freaks out and has to be restrained.  The flight attendant looks out to see nothing there. He is talked out of thinking he saw a man on the wing and tries to fall asleep.  He is tempted to open the shade on the window but keeps denying it.  He gives in and opens it to see...THE MAN AGAIN...AHHHHHHH!!!  He is a slimy little f*cker who can best be described as Gollum from the LOTR trilogy with dread locks.  Well this puts Valentine over the edge again and he has to be restrained.  The fat guy in front of him holds him down and informs the first officer he is with FAA security.  The first officer assures Valentine that they will be on the ground in 20 minutes although one engine is out. 

Going down is when everything goes haywire.  Luggage falls out, people scream and fall over, and the plane shakes worse than ever before.  Valentine looks outside and sees...THE MAN IS BACK TEARING APART THE ENGINES...AHHHHHHHH!!!

Valentine robs a Polaroid camera off the little sh*t of a girl and tries to take a picture.  While being lectured on his "bad manners" by the kid he finds out the flash overexposed the picture.  Valentine grabs an oxygen tank and tries to break the window.  He is held back by the fat guy who has a gun holstered to his ankle.  Valentine steals the gun and shoots out the window.  He gets sucked half way out the window and is held in by the fat guy.  This is when he tries to kill the monster once and for all.  The monster runs over and breaks the gun in two.  While landing he does something that has given me many of shivers thinking about it.  He plants his slimy hand on Valentine's face, slants his head and goes "No, No, No" using his finger...excuse me...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Ok sorry...that scene creeps me out because the little b*stard has such a creepy face when he does it.  So the evil monster jumps off the plane and disappears into the clouds.  The plane lands and Valentine is taken away in an ambulance boasting how he saved the plane from impending doom.  All this in a straight jacket no less.  Everybody talks how messed up he was until they see the ripped up engines. 

In a humorous bit, while on the ambulance ride we find out Aykroyd's character from the beginning is driving it.  He turns off the sirens to put in some Creedence.  Valentine is pleased with this but shortly there after he is asked if he wants to see something really scary.  Terror comes full circle in the Twilight Zone Movie.
Final Thoughts On Story #5: I'll get back to you after I come out from hiding under the bed.
ITS THE INNARDS THAT COUNT: (most gruesome/odd moments)
PG was the rating so not much of that here...scared of a movie with PG rating...what a Sally I am...
YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE: (the A-Holes of the film get their moment)
1.)  William Connor - In the Twilight Zone he was a hate monger who got his just desserts.  In real life he could have been a popular Republican leader.

2.)  Anthony - In the Twilight Zone people fear his power to make wishes come true.  In real life he would have tons of male friends wishing for beer, fast cars, and a hot tub full of supermodels. 

3.)  The Man On The Wing - In the Twilight Zone he struck terror into Valentine and all the passengers by ripping apart the plane's engines.  In real life...I'm not afraid of him any more...no way...hmmm...is that a man on my deck outside...AHHHHHHH!!!
OVERALL GRADE
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