RELEASE DATE: 1991
RATED: PG
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
My family never had a problem with me watching movies like Friday The 13th at an early age. I didn't end up a serial killer, rather just some loser who runs a bad movie review site. None the less, why am I on this soapbox about free speech? After watching this movie, it made me realize just how lame special interest groups can make things. Yep its true, this movie was toned down violence wise to appease several asshole parents who were concerned. Oh boo f*cking hoo...
Thinking back to the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, I recall it being witty yet a bit dark. The fight scenes, although not jaw shattering, had a believable brutality. Let me say the violence in this movie was toned down so much that the Turtles hardly use their weapons. Rather its just a few martial arts moves mixed in with ultra lame fight sequences. Yeah because ninjas hardly ever pull weapons out like sai blades, chucks, staffs and katanas. The punches landed were usually accompanied by 3 Stooges "boink" sound effects. Every fight had to have about 20 extremely bad one liners from the heroes in the half shell. So what we ended up with was a very lame and painful to watch mess. I would best describe it as the Muppet Movie with Ninja Turtles but do take note that this film;
1.) Is without any true Muppets
2.) Is not nearly as entertaining or witty as the Muppets
3.) Really should have realized it was a f*cking comic book movie and gave us some decent fight scenes
The film begins introducing us to Keno. No not the casino game hardly anyone wins at, rather the pizza delivery boy. He goes off to deliver pizza at April O'neil's place but in the process busts in on some dudes lifting merchandise out of a mini-mall. He beats up a few of them but discovers there are plenty more. Cue our heroes who jump into action. They fight off the bad guys and the following are the...a-hem...highlights...
1.) Donatello whipping a guy with a belt and tying him up...kinky.
2.) Michaelangelo beating up guys with a yo-yo.
3.) Donatello pretending he is a bouncy clown and beating people up with foam beater.
4.) Michaelangelo using cold cuts as chucks.
Gee that was action packed excitement. I'm so glad they holstered their weapons for such a great scene. Um yeah...this is only the beginning oh my brothers and only friends. Anyhow the Turtles pay Keno for the pizza and save the day. Cut to April who gets home to find her place a dump. Turns out the Turtles/Splinter have given up sewer life for now and are living with April. Why, well sewer real estate just isn't what it used to be apparently. They claim its due to The Foot knowing where they live. Don't know why that would be a concern seeing in the last film they beat the snot out of them.
Matter of fact, across town in the junkyard they are licking their wounds. Tatsu, Shredder's second in command, claims soul leadership but we find out Shredder is very much alive. Apparently cops in the big city felt no need to haul his ass out of the garbage truck and put him in a maximum security prison. Much like any generic family film villain, he plots his revenge.
Allow me to say that Shred-head in the first film aimed high with world conquest. In this one I couldn't really figure out what the hell he was doing with his evil life. Anyhow, jump cut to April who is interviewing a Professor Jordan Perry. He is the head of an organization called TGRI that is in the process of cleaning up their chemical spills. Across town Splinter watches much to the Turtles displeasure.
One of April's coworkers, Freddy stays behind and spots some huge dandelions. He grabs one and takes it back to...gasp...Shredder. That bastard...Shredder decides that he needs what is contaminating the soil for his evil master plan. Muhahahahaha...um yeah. Meanwhile back at April's, Splinter shows the cannister to the Turtles that mutated them long ago. It has TGRI's initials on it and Splinter decides that its time to find out what is up with the ooze. Why...well because the city could be in danger and we have over one hour to fill of plot still.
Cut to Professor Perry who is disposing of the remaining ooze. I found it odd that such potentially potent chemicals in glass containers were being handled with no protective equipment. Tatsu arrives with The Foot to abduct the last cannister of ooze. Luckily the Turtles are near by thus leading to...oh great...another fight scene...um...highlights;
1.) The Turtles playing a game of keep away with the ooze.
2.) The Turtles having a huddle to rethink the strategy of the keep away game...um hello Foot Clan...isn't now a good time to kill them?
3.) Donatello surfing on an office chair.
Anyhow, The Foot escape and bring The Professor/Ooze to Shredder. Across town, the Turtles decide it is time to move out. Before they do, Keno arrives with a pizza delivery. Oddly, April lets him wander into her apartment to discover the Turtles. Hmmm...I hardly let pizza delivery guys past my front door step. Splinter lays down their story (guess Keno never listened to the cartoon song) and the boys head off to the sewer once again. However Raphael decides searching for a new home is waste of time and heads out to fight.
Meanwhile, Shredder forces the Professor to mutate two animals which will topple the Turtles. Hmmm...could it be Bee Bop and Rock Steady??? Oh the anticipation is going to kill me. A few scenes later their cage opens to reveal...its...its...um a big wolf and snapping turtle. What the f*ck man. Allow me to hastily introduce Rahzar and Tokka. Anyhow, Shredder is PO'd with them because they act like...in his words...babies. However, he keeps them around because of their immense strength.
The next day Keno, under Raphael's direction, goes undercover to find The Foot's base. He does this successfully and Raphael finds out Shredder is back. Raphael is taken prisoner and ?Keno books back to April's to tell her about everything that just transpired. That night the Turtles bust in thus starting up another fight...don't worry...here are your highlights of this fight;
1.) The Turtles getting scooped up by a net and almost killed...rumor has it one of the cast broke their ankle in this scene. Appearing in this movie was so not worth it for that cast member.
2.) Splinter arriving to save the day.
3.) Donatello doing that hand over hand batting choice game with a foot soldier and his staff...stupid...
4.) Rahzar and Tokka arriving which leads to the Turtles fleeing. They grab the Professor in the process.
5.) One of the mutants getting caught in the sewer drain which prompts Michaelangelo to tickle it's feet...even more stupid...
That wraps up that bit of plot stupidity, now on to other plot stupidity. The Professor explains to the Turtles and Splinter that the secret of the ooze is it had mutigen. Donatello is rather miffed at this because he expected more about their origin. I can relate...I felt the same way about the movie's whole f*cking plot. Anyhow, Shredder lets Rahzar and Tokka out in the city to cause destruction.
The next day April is covering the event and Freddy reveals his true identity. He says more destruction will happen if the Turtles don't come out of hiding. This time it will be in Central Park at night. This springs the Turtles back into action because they fear people will get hurt this time. Wait a minute...what kind of people hang out in Central Park after dark? Muggers and drunks...wheres the loss there?
Anyhow, the Professor whips up a batch of anti-mutigen to help the turtles bring down Rahzar and Tokka. The only way to make it work is to feed it to them. Michangello comes up with the bright idea to hide it in donuts. Pay not attention to that plot stupidity behind the curtain I say. Anyhow the plan works but it doesn't work right away. Michaelangelo gets tossed through a wall which has a club on the other side
Now let me say, if you were let down by the first hour and twenty minutes of this film fear not. It comes through finally with an appearance from the one...the only...um...Vanilla Ice. Yes, this was during the Ice Man's hay day and could have very well been a major part of his down fall. Anyhow, Rahzar and Tokka seem to develope a burping problem which apparently smells bad. The Turtles do a whole bunch of fighting with them which prompts Mr. Ice to throw a rap together for them.
"Ninja, Ninja Rap...Ninja, Ninja Rap...Go Ninja Go Ninja Go...Go Ninja Go Ninja Go...go Go GO..."
I'm not surprised he never had a successful follow up to his album, To The Extreme. Anyhow the Professor realizes that the burping is being caused due to a lack of CO2 thus stopping the anit-mutigen from taking effect...or something. Donatello finds a fire extinguisher which the Turtles pump into Rahzar and Tokka. With his mutants stricken and his Foot Clan beaten, Shredder reveals the last of the ooze. Keno arrives to kick the it out of his hand. Once again, I'm glad such dangerous substances are being thrown around so freely in crowded areas.
The Professor grabs the cannister but Shredder reveals he has one more vial of it which he threatens to use on a hostage. The Turtles utilize some of the Ice Man's musical equipment and turn up the amps which blows Shredder out of the club. The Turtles assume he is dead but finds out he was infected by the ooze which turns him into Super Shredder. Anyhow, in a non-eventful final battle under a dock Shredder faces defeat when he collapses his surroundings. The Turtles make it out alive and are able to break dance the night away at the Ice concert.
A few things about this film that I haven't mentioned. It is dedicated to the late Jim Henson who provided the special effect outfits. Let me say, the work Henson's company did was the film's saving grace. The Turtles, Splinter and Shredder's mutants looked excellent. Although it was a generous gesture for them to dedicate a film to him, too bad the flick sucked. Also on the few plus sides of the film, the Turtles did a much better job of taking up different personalities. The first film they all pretty much acted like Michaelangelo. On the plus side as well, luckily the Turtles finally got to use their weapons again in Part 3.
(Pulling out soap box again...cue up the patriotic music...) Parent special interest groups need to realize that there are other people in the world aside their kids. If people want to raise their kid as a hippy, keep in the Disney section. Violence in some films is mandatory, especially ones that are about comic book Turtle Ninjas. By the way, to assume that only kids between 2 and 10 would dig the Turtles is just idiotic. I recall being a 13 year old in middle school at the time the Turtles were out and tons of people older than me buzzing about them. Personally I loved the cartoon, I even had a button with them on it on my bitchin' jean jacket. This movie simply spit on the mind of any adult...or any kid for that matter too.
Final word, parent special interest groups need to cut the crap. If a movie or cartoon like TMNT supposedly turns kids into maniacs, perhaps...just perhaps the kid has something messed with them in the first place. Or maybe their parents should spend more time with their kid instead of throwing them in front of a movie...now thats a theory I can dig. May these bible thumping activists figure out a way to mind their own damn business. If they don't, entertainment like this are what we have to look forward to in the future.
Luckily I covered this in the plot section...I don't think I have it in me to due a recap...
1.) Shredder - Interesting bit of trivia, according to IMDB wrestler Kevin Nash plays Super Shredder proving there were more embarrassing roles for him aside Oz in the WCW.
2.) Rahzar and Tokka - According to Shredder there isn't anything more ferocious in nature than a snapping turtle and a lone wolf.
3.) Tatsu and The Foot - Tatsu and the Foot apparently need some Lamisil to cure their problems.
4.) Vanilla Ice - Well...he did get that Ninja Rap song stuck in my head.
