TITLE: Time Barbarians

RELEASE DATE
: 1990

REVIEWED BY
The DarkSider - 1/9/09
THE PLOT:  Our tale of barbaric time travel begins with a scrolling narration (here we go again, bring on the plot idiocy) that informs of Barbarians who fought evil thanks to the protection of a crystal amulet. Just out of curiosity, why must it always be a amulet in these films?  Isn�t there anything else people can use for magical protection in the good old days of fury loin cloths?  Well regardless, this story is about their king as the narration tells us. 

Speaking of the kingly fellow, we join Doran  at riverside where he stops for a drink. Interesting side note about the actor (Deron McBee) playing the lead role.  Before this film he was primarily known as the American Gladiator �Malibu�.  He eventually went on to play Motaro in Mortal Kombat Annihilation and a thug in Batman Forever amongst other roles.  In other words, he is one of those �that guy� actors with a great physique to get him by.  More power to him if he survives being in tripe like this I say.  He kind of reminded me of Joey Tempest from the band Europe but a bit more buff. 

Well anyhow, Doran feels a disturbance in the Force or something and he is attacked by some masked fellow.  Doran easily takes care of the fellow and tells him to leave the land and never  return whilst giving a  mighty shoulder huff with attitude. The masked fellow picks up his blade and continues the attack.  Well after a few more minutes of mediocre choreography and manly butt shots, Doran wins again.  He unmasks his opponent and takes it as a souvenir or something. 

Seconds later we join up with a shapely young woman named Lystra. She�s wandering about in the forest wearing an outfit that would make most strippers jealous.  Doran decides to screw with her and throws on the mask.  The two sneak around on each other for what seems like an hour until Doran attacks.  The woman battles back only lose to Doran in the end.  When he takes off his mask, its apparent she knows him rather well and the two share a romantic moment in the grass.  Note to self, women can not identify you in barbaric times if you are wearing a silly mask�ok check. 

The two go on to converse, in a third grade production of Hamlet manner, of how there is so much evil in the world.  Doran goes on to tell Lystra that there is nothing to worry about as long as they posses the magical amulet.  Doran also explains that a female wizard had something to do with amulet and apparently it can do just about anything.  Of course we already knew that from the narration in the first minute of the film. 

We join up with Doran�s people who are well groomed and rather productive in their every day barbaric lives.  A bearded fellow by the name of Bartaga joins the group and everyone glad to see him.  Doran greets him with the standard barbarian handshake and shoulder pat.  They speak  briefly of a �hunt� which in a few scenes they progress  with leaving the ladies to hang out at lakeside.  This of course leads to some much needed T&A to distract us from the awful acting.  Apparently Doran left the amulet with the ladies for now.
GWAR...the early years.
Unfortunately for the ladies, an evil fellow by the name of Mandrak is nearby with his henchmen.  .  Some silly sword fighting starts up and eventually the ladies get owned.  Lystra gets hit in the back of the head and miles away Doran feels the pain. Why you may ask?  Well I guess he�s one man that truly relates to the pain of his woman Either that or this plot is really idiotic.  Later that evening Mandrak has a little of the old in/out with Lystra before killing her.  After this he discovers the amulet and receives a 9 volt shock from it.  His henchman tells him of it�s power and with a flash, Mandrak uses it to disappear from the crime scene. 

Doran arrives and pulls a bit of a hissy fit.  After a few of Doran�s obviously fake tears, Bartaga has a chat with one of the dying survivors.  She tells him of Mandrak�s naughty deed and presents him with Mandrak�s severed hand before passing on.   A few seconds later, Lystra is laid to rest and Doran swears his vengeance on Mandrak.  The next day, Doran and Bartaga head out on the revenge trail.  On the way, they get jumped by a few dudes which sees Bartaga getting sliced to bits and Doran captured.  Who knew the forest was such a violent place. 

Doran gets hauled away to his assailants� camp where he is beaten and tied to a tree.  The guys, who hoot and holler worse than a couple of frat boys during spring break, apparently worship an underground lord to whom they make human sacrifices .  Luckily for Doran, a lone wolf arrives in the middle of the night.  It transforms, well I assume transforms because its not exactly shown, into another curvy blonde with big jugs.  This would be the mighty wizard that Doran spoke of earlier.  She goes into severe PMS mode when he tells her how he lost the amulet. To make his day sh*ttier than it already was , she tells Doran if he doesn�t return her amulet she�ll cast a curse over his people.  You know, because things are going so good for them as it is.  The Wizard frees Doran and supplies him with a time traveling sword which he uses to slice and dice for a bit.  Once everyone is dispatched, he uses his low budget Excalibur to disappear into modern times.  

Fast forward to �modern� LA where a reporter named Penny Price is reporting on a gang  related shooting.  Apparently a warehouse owner didn�t pay his safety money so a  gang, The Gladiators, blasted him.  Quicker than you can say �foreshadow�, Price also tells us that the city needs a hero to rally around to fight the gangs.  Of course it doesn�t take a genius to see Penny is played by the same actress who played Lystra.  I�m glad to say she does act a bit better this time around.

This is all interrupted when the Gladiators arrive to create havoc.  They almost do a bit of the old in/out on Price but out of nowhere Doran arrives and saves the day.  Doran beats the snot out the gang until they pull switchblades. Doran retorts with, �your swords match your manhood� while he draws his immense blade.  As cornball as this movie has been so far, I have to admit that line rules on all levels.
Even in barbaric times, many ladies still loved the bling.
The gang bails and Doran proceeds to investigate his surroundings.  Meanwhile Penny observes him from her news van with a moistened panties stare.  She tells her cameraman Brice, who got the incident on film, to head back to the station.  She decides to introduce herself and make small chat with Doran while they walk.  Doran, who apparently can�t be bothered with her, makes note of how impossible it will be to find Mandrak. 

Back at the station, Brice  (who we find out has a rather unhealthy obsession with Price) shows the footage to his boss Coggs.  Brice makes note that Doran is much like Conan. Well that was a bit shameless by the movie don�t you think?  Coggs reacts in a neutral manner to footage and tells him to air it that night. 

Meanwhile, Price apparently has taken Doran clothes shopping so because he sports some early 90s fashion.  I personally was relieved not to see man nipples anymore.  The two talk a bit about finding Mandrak who is conveintl;y mugging some guy with his henchman across town.  The two head to a bar where Mandrak complains of the amulet�s loss of power.  Perhaps this is one of the biggest problems with the plot.  The amulet really doesn�t accomplish much in the movie although its supposedly high and mighty.  It basically watches Lystra die and sees Mandrak living a skid row life style.  You figure he�d be on top of the food chain in L.A. with something so powerful. 

Cut back to Doran who is in the middle of an interview with Price. The first part of the movie gets relived in a montage of clips we�ve already seen.  You�d figure a guy claiming to be a barbarian king would easily send up loony sparks to most ladies.  Price however nearly falls for the big guy but stops just before they kiss.  She excuses herself to take a shower and returns minutes later to  spawn a love scene.   I�m thinking the shower was for that �not so fresh� feeling.  Doran, who realizes the same actress is playing Price, makes some sweet Barbarian love to her.  Be that as it may, I�m thinking he got over his wife a little too quickly. 

Meanwhile, Brice�s footage rolls on the evening news.  Mandrak, still hanging out in the dive bar with his buddy, catches it and freaks out.  The two head back to their meager pad and discuss a plan.  The masterminds decide to kill before being killed�how brilliant.  They meet up with the leader of the Gladiators, who laughs like a castrated hyena, to buy some gun power.   After blasting the gang leader without paying,  they bust in to see Coggs at the news station..  They get Price�s location and proceed to off Coggs.  Brice hears the commotion and  heads out to Price�s place.

Back to Doran who wakes up and looks out the window.  He spots Mandrak and  his henchman approaching the apartment complex.  Apparently not knowing what a flak jacket is at this point, Doran decides to suit up in his Barbarian regalia.  Mandrak and his henchmen enter the apartment ,a bit too easy I might add, but Doran stops them in their tracks.  He pressures Mandrak for the amulet but he claims not to know.  Mandrak�s henchman shoots Doran in the arm.  This wakes Penny (I�m assuming Doran didn�t want to wake her up to inform her of approaching danger) who gets hauled out at gunpoint by Mandrak.  Doran pulls his sword and successfully blocks the henchman�s bullets.  Doran chases him up to the roof where he successfully takes him out.  However, Mandrak makes off with Price.
"Oh hi honey...I bet you're wondering why theres a half naked guy in our kitchen...well...um...theres something I have to admit..."
"Go ahead...call me Stevie Nicks again...I dare ya..."
Brice ends up hooking up with Doran who agrees to go fight with him for Price.  Brice, who apparently has dive bar ESP or something, goes to the exact bar where  Mandrak hangs out.  When the barkeep refuses to give information, a hooker gladly spills the bean on Mandrak�s whereabouts.  Doran and Brice head there where they are greeted with gunfire.  Doran successfully blocks the bullets again defying all logic.  Mandrak bails and Doran takes this time to free Price.  Doran chases Mandrak into the cellar where the two battle in a non-climatic manner.  Doran offs Mandrak with no apparent effort and retrieves the amulet.  After sharing some sweet nothings with Price, he heads off back to his people in the past.  Price wraps up the movie by reporting that a hero has saved the day and one more malignant person is off the streets.  So I guess we�re left to assume that Mandrak was the only criminal in L.A.   At this point I�ll assume anything. 

Sigh�where to begin�I�ll begin with the positive which will end up sounding negative.  This film fits tightly into a group of films that I find the best to review.  That would be the �so horribly awful that its fun to watch� category.  In other words, its one of those filcks that is the life and bread of a true B-movie fan.  The acting is horribly wooden and having a lead that was basically known for talking like a surfer dude on American Gladiators�well, I think you get it.  Not withstanding,  McBee has an awesome physique which at least made him appear barbarian-like.  However being as that I am a straight man, his appearance couldn�t distract me from the plot awfulness.  Then again, the ladies in the film couldn�t distract me from it either. 

Its not that this film wouldn�t have potential with a bigger budget and an A-list cast.  Perhaps it could have been tweaked into something epic.  But of course that probably will never be.  I do have to admit that I liked the second part of the film better than the first.  The beginning featuring days of old surroundings mixed with the corny fantasy film clich�s really tested my will to be.  Although the footage in �modern� L.A. was far from a  pile of greatness, it was at least a bit more enjoyable.  I think this is because everyone loves a fish out of water moment in time travel movies.  You know, the part where the people from the past discover modern ideas.  However, everything seemed to wrap up rather quickly which wasn�t a surprise to me.  These kind of goofy films seldom have time or budget to make an impressive ending. 

B-film goers will pretty much be guaranteed a hilarious viewing with this film.  I think its due to the fact the plot really tries to take itself seriously.  However, don�t expect epic things while watching it.  You may have to use an amulet to go back in time to change your mind about buying it if you do. 

Well time is up with this review but plenty more time adventures await you.  Click on the banner to go 88mph in your Delorean.  Watch out for the Morlocks along the way�
YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE (the A-Holes of the film get their moment)
1.) Mandrak -  With his looks in modern LA, he should have had no problem landing a role as the villain  in some awful Barbarian film...oh wait...nevermind. 
2.) The Gladiators- I doubt these guys have any serious "street cred".   
OVERALL GRADE
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