TITLE: THE HOBBIT

RELEASE DATE: 1977

RATED: NOT RATED

REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider - 9/6/04
THE PLOT: Its seems in the 70's, animators kept things simple...real simple.  Very much like the title critter in this cartoon adaptation of J.R.R. Tolkien's fantasy epic.  Until a prequel to the Lord Of The Rings triology comes along for The Hobbit, we have this to visualize Tolkien's vision. Although the animation has about 10 colors to it's name...I have to admit this is a fairly accurate representation of the book. 

Bilbo Baggins is a Hobbit (a small creature with hairy toes) in a land called Middle Earth.  He is a major home-body who liks the simple things in life such as eggs and bacon.  So when Gandalf the Grey Wizard pimps him out as a burgler to a group of dwarves you can only imagine how this upsets him.  The Dwarves are after the treasure of their forefathers that the dragon Smaug has stolen.  The major problem is Bilbo as a burgler is about as qualified as Michael Jackson as a day care opearator.  Never the less, Mr. Baggins goes on the long journey with his newly found friends.  On the way they encounter species both friendy and evil such as goblins, elves, and spiders. 

Bilbo finds and takes a ring from a monster named Gollum in a cave after a long riddle battle.  He finds out the ring can make him turn invisible.  He uses the ring in the end to sneak into Smaug's cave.  Smaug goes off the deep end and thinks Bilbo is part of a clan of humans that live on a nearby lake.  He leaves the cave to attack the town only to be shot down by Bard an expert archer.  Bard and his people along with the wood elves lay claim to the treasure of Smaug.  However the dwarves don't budge...this causes a war between the three factions.  Before the battle starts Gandalf (where the hell did he keep going I always wondered) returns to the picture with information about an army of Goblins who are advancing with a claim to Smaug's treasure.  All three factions hate the Goblins and team up to vanquish the threat.  The losses are heavy but in the end the three factions come to an agreement on the treasure.  Bilbo takes a small bit of the treasure and returns home older and wiser...and with a ring that will cause a s**t load of problems in the Lord Of The Rings triology.  But hey...lets live for the moment shall we.
ITS THE INNARDS THAT COUNT (most gruesome moments): 
Note:  Seeing that this was initially a kids flick theres really nothing to report here.  Unless you consider a few dwarf, human, wood elf, and goblin deaths gruesome.  Smaug also gets shot in the chest by Bard...oh the humanity...

YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE (the A-Holes of the film get their moment):
1.) Smaug-he is the firebreathing, self-loving dragon who burns and plunders his enemies.  He also sleeps on a fortune literally...come on ladies you know you want him...

2.)
Gollum-he refers to himself as "we" and eats raw fish or whatever else comes along.  He gets his name from the noise he makes when he swallows.  All these charming attributes along with his knowledge of riddles:  I'm sure he could have had a bright future as the host of Middle Earth's favorite game show..."Guess The Riddle Or We Eats It"...

3.)
The Goblins-These loud and obnoxious guys live together in a huge group while picking on people smaller than them.  They are kind of like the fraternity of Middle Earth. 
FINAL SCORE
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