TITLE: Teenagers From Outer Space

RELEASE DATE
: 1959

REVIEWED BY
:  The DarkSider -2/7/09
THE PLOT:    We begin with a young fellow hanging out on some sort of super telescope. Sounding like he just soiled himself, he calls over a Dr. Mason to tell him about a drill-like item he thought he saw.  Dr. Mason, who sports a rather fake looking goatee and mustache, asks him if he saw a meteor or something else.  The young man claims he is just seeing stuff and goes into philosophy mode about the universe.  All of this has no real meaning to the plot of this film by the way.

Cut to a dog howling at a rather lame looking UFO.  The saucer shaped ship, which emits exhaust in a twirly silly manner, lands and slowly a helmet wearing fellow gets out.  He laser blasts a dog with what appears to be a flashlight on a stick and the dog turns into a skeleton.  Oh the terror�um yeah.  He takes off his helmet to reveal a rather normal looking guy who proceeds to wander about in a time killing manner.  A few more guys get out of the small spaceship followed by a few more guys and a few more.  While the viewer tries to figure out how they all fit in there, the aliens set up some thingamaggigars and report to their commander.  Their names are Thor (no, not the guy who carries the hammer), Derek, Moreal, and Saul.

Derek gets into a pissing contest with Thor about unnecessarily killing the dog.  Derek insists that earth has intelligent life forms and shouldn�t be tampered with.  The commander speaks of bringing out the �Gargons� so they can ensue their planet�s race.  Derek fires back with an �oh no you don�t� type of speech because he�d rather not disrupt an intelligent being�s planet.  He also speaks of a book that swayed his opinions about his race.  The commander gets him under gunpoint  and promises a spanking or something. They test a small Gargon (aka lobster from the local seafood market) to see if it thrives which it doesn�t. 

The guys board their ship and report to their leader.  While this happens, Derek escapes from them and runs for the hills.  It turns out, according to the commander who fills us in, Derek is the son of their leader.  They decide to stay on earth for a bit to collect Derek.  Also, luckily for them the Gargon was only shocked by earth�s nitrogen.  Either that or the plot stupidity shocked him.  They report in to their leader and Thor volunteers to find Derek by day�s light. 

The next morning Derek wanders into town and meets some of the locals.  They all pretty much give him an odd stare due his silly  looking jumpsuit.   He asks a local gas station attendant where he could find the address of the dog license he apparently picked up from the dog corpse.  Meanwhile across town, Thor gets a ride from a local who I guess it prone to picking up alien men on deserted roads.  The two drive into town and Thor, in a prickish manner, asks the driver about the car�s functions.  While stopping for gas he learns from the attendant that  Derek had been by earlier.  He then proceeds to toast both the driver of the car and the attendant with his flashlight of doom. 

Back to Derek who arrives at the address who ironically have a room for rent.  He is greeted by a young lady named Betty who introduces him  to her grandfather.  Derek gives a bunch of odd answers to simple questions but somehow Betty and her grandfather agree to let him have the room. A guy name Joe swings  by and Betty goes out to talk to him.  He tells her that he can�t go swimming with her because he had to cover a  flying saucer story. Betty decides to take Derek swimming over at her friends Alice�s house.
"Lunch money...NOW...you little wimps."
Alice greets Derek in a �hey big boy� manner and Derek seems enthralled with her.  So enthralled he accidentally drops the dog license he is carrying into the pool.  He proceeds to come clean with Betty about her dog being toasted.  Betty, acting not all that emotional that her beloved pet is dead, wants to know who did it.  Derek agrees to take her to the scene of the crime. Meanwhile, Thor visits Betty�s grandfather who gives him directions to where Derek went. 

Derek and Betty arrive at the canine  murder scene.  Derek explains the technology behind the flashlight of doom amongst other things.  He also goes on to ask about earth�s most advance transportation which Betty says is jet airplanes.  She also recommends talking to a Professor Simpson from the college about his technological questions.  More crap of no particular importance gets discussed between the two while across town Thor fries Alice with his phaser.

Betty swings by home to change from her bathing suit.   She leaves a note for her grandfather who gets woken up by a phone call from Joe seconds later.  Joe tells him over the phone about the double homicide at the gas station..  Grandpa gets another visit from Thor and immediately gives him the note about Derek and Betty�s whereabouts.  You know, because letting a complete stranger know about the whereabouts of your daughter is a good idea.  Especially with a double murder in town. 

Cut to Derek and Betty who arrive at Professor Simpson�s office.  He isn�t there so they go on a leisure walk or something.  In the meantime, Thor arrives and toasts  him into a skeleton.  Derek and Betty hook up with Simpson�s secretary and find the professor�s remains.  In a bit a unintentional hilarity, the secretary storms out saying, �I�m  not gonna keep a job where this sort of thing goes on�.  That seriously has to be one of the f*cking funniest quotes in movie history.  Betty calls her grandfather and tell him to get the f*ck out of Dodge in so many words.    Grandpa drives but ends up at gun�er�phaser point by Thor.  He commands that he take him to Derek or else more lab  skeleton deaths will happen.. 

Derek and Betty race to city hall where armed guards await them.  Thor ends up right behind them and starts a gunfight with the guards..  After frying a few people, Thor gets wounded and runs off.  Derek and the guards follow suit while Joe arrives to cover the story.  While Joe  chats with grandpa, Betty goes into CSI mode and follows a trail of blood to a car.  Turns out Thor is hiding within and he tells them to get in at gunpoint.  Thor insists that he is taken to a doctor to remove the bullets.  The police find out that they had been kidnapped a day late and buck short later.
The antique car show was going well until they discovered an original owner in one of the exhibitions.
Cut to a Dr. Brandt who is heading out on a house call.  Derek and Betty arrive with Thor who holds everyone at gunpoint.  While the doctor removes the bullets from his chest, Thor monologues to Derek what we pretty much know already.  Derek acts surprised (hence the extreme close up he received) about being the son of the leader.  Thor eventually semi-loses consciousness and everyone bails on him.  You know, because disarming and tying him down  isn�t the normal course of actions in the cast�s mind. 

While the good guys escape to the police station, Thor stumbles out of the operating room.  A Nurse Morse arrives at Brandt�s office to find Thor passed out.  She tends to him but is unfortunately too late to receive a warning call from Dr. Brandt.  Thor awakes to take her hostage and the two drive off in her car.  On the other end of the phone Dr. Brandt tells everyone the bad news. 

Meanwhile, Tom and an officer decide to check out the area Betty�s dog was killed.  The officer, due to what I�m assuming  is little cash flow in the special effects budget, is eaten up by something in a nearby cave.  Thor arrives on the scene and tries to kill Tom but Nurse Morse swerves to prevent him.  Thor clubs Morse over the head and this gives way to a rather lame chase scene.  Thor eventually passes out again from blood loss and Morse jumps out  in an obvious sped up clip of the car doing 5MPH. Thor is left to tumble down the hill in the car. Nurse Morse is comforted by Tom who tells her of the evil thing that devoured the officer in the cave. 

Fast forward to later in the day where a newscaster tells us about the day�s incidents.  Apparently Thor is busted up and apprehended in some hospital and the creature from the cave is out gallivanting somewhere.  Now back to your regularly scheduled movie.  Derek and Betty head out to the crash site to look for Thor�s weapon.  During the search, he admits to Betty he is from a galaxy rather far away.  He also talks of the cruelties of his planet and how he plans to make the earth his home. 

The two share a lovey dovey moment but quickly note an oversized Gargon next to them.  How exactly a 60 foot lobster sneaks up on people I don�t know.  The Gargon starts making noise like an old woman falling down the stairs and  begins swiping at the two.   In the land of plot convenience , Derek picks up a rock to find Thor�s phaser.  For whatever reason the gun doesn�t work and the two escape via car.  Derek, in an uninspiring speech, tells Betty that he must reconstruct Thor�s phaser to defend against the Gargon.  However, when they get home, Derek finds out that the energy source of the phaser is permanently damaged.
After 20 years, Alice was shocked to discover the true reason her boss was ignoring her emails.
The newsman from earlier tells of more attacks by the Gargon.  From his path of bodies, apparently the monster is heading out for a day in the town.  Derek and Betty head out to intercept the Gargon.  When they find him Derek goes into MacGyver mode and decides electrical power will help the phaser work.  So he climbs up a pole while Betty calls the electric company to cut the power.  The electric company, who apparently have no trouble taking a woman complaining about a monster serious, cut the power. 

With the power off, Derek attaches the phaser to the electrical wires.  Betty tells them to turn on the power which oddly doesn�t fry Derek.  Too avoid an in dept look at plot stupidity I�ll just assume he survived because he�s an alien.  The power doesn�t seem to be enough  at first so Betty tells them to boost it more.  The electrical company keeps trying and I had all but to do to refrain from saying, �I DON�T HAVE THE POWER CAPTAIN�.  Finally, enough juice flows through the line to make the phaser work.  The Gargon kind of flops over. 

Grandpa and Joe somehow find them and Derek tells Betty he must go home to save earth.   He ends up at Betty�s house for whatever reason.  Betty and company arrive but Derek requests that Joe take him to Thor.  When Joe refuses, Derek holds him at phaser point which shocks everyone.  While Betty gently weeps, Joe drives Derek to the hospital where they intercept Thor.  Derek rescues Thor from police custody while talking about how he has realized earth is to be destroyed.  Why, well villains in this type of movie fail to realize when someone is bullsh*ting them. 

The newscaster comes on again to let us know that aliens are attacking.  This cuts to people looking in a scared manner at the sky.  My guess the film ran out of special effects money at this point and decided that reaction thoughts would be better.  Meanwhile Betty and Grandpa end up at the mine where they run into Derek and company.  Nearby a spaceship arrives and the leader gets out to greet Derek.  Derek insists that he directs the fleet of Gargon filled spaceships to the earth.  However, this proves to be the alien�s undoing because Derek has them crash into earth.  Nearby, Betty and company dive into the nearby cave to save themselves while everything explodes through stock footage. The film ends with Derek being a tragic sacrifice for our safety on earth.  I say his little alien ass was worth it because it luckily ends the film. 

Teenagers From Outer Space goes down as classic tripe of an Ed Woodian nature.  The movie seems to be based around 5 or so locations, the actors seemed to have been yanked off the street and the special effects consisted of a lab skeleton and the shadow of a normal sized lobster.  In other words, it�s a B-movie lovers film to love and cherish.  I�d say it earns an honorable spot in our film counter culture right next to Plan 9 or The Astounding She Monster.  Granted I can�t give the movie a high rating, I�d say its more than worth several viewings.  You can tell the film had heart behind it and did the best they could .  Even if that meant using tape on the cast�s space uniforms to look alien.
YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE (the A-Holes of the film get their moment)
Thor:  Yeah he's moody, but you try sitting in an intergalatic clown car for a few days and tell me how you feel.
The Gargons:  I guess going to Maine would be like spring break to them or something.
OVERALL GRADE
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