RELEASE DATE: 1984
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Ok first off, let me say that there seems to be a million and one characters in the movie. Most of which really don�t matter...aka the student body. They�re all a bunch of crack smokers who like to f*ck off. You know, "college students in movies for dummies" was read before they wrote the script. So, I won�t bother boring you with their side tales which usually ended up pointless in the long run. Just know that one is accidently knocked up, one is a redhead with the haircut of a poodle and the rest are rather skeevy looking.
The film begins with a drawn out scene of a make shift mental institution. Why does this matter in a movie about a university...don�t worry, you�ll forget all about it by the time it comes full circle. Anyhow, jump to said university where a sociology teacher named Janet gets killed off. Guess she gave one too many lectures on Che Guevara or something.
Janet is quickly replaced by the film�s lead named Julie. She talks briefly with a wheel chair stricken Father Janson who welcomes her to the staff. I�m assuming it�s a Catholic university. However, he does update her about the murder of Janet. Nice first day greeting don�t you think?
Anyhow, Julie meets her class of f*ck offs and trudges through the first day. She moves into her apartment which is run by the charmingly morbid Mrs. Bloom. She quickly makes friends with a fellow teacher named Cynthia. Indeed, all is right in the world of Miss Sociology teacher. In the middle of all this crap, there is a bunch of sh*t involving the student�s horny, drunken escapades. Thats all you really need to know.
Moving on, people slowly start to get clipped by an unknown assailant. This greatly concerns Julie but none the less she finds time to start a mandatory pointless relationship with a fellow teacher named Mark. When Cynthia finds out about their relationship, she tries to warn Julie about Mark. Turns out he was a suspect in the killing of Janet. Personally I thought Cynthia wanted a little girl on girl action and was trying to get rid of Mark.
A few deaths into the film later, Julie decides to leave the university. Before she does however, she heads out on a reconnaissance mission with Cynthia to scope out Mark�s place when he isn�t there. Turns out Mark has quite a newspaper clipping collection of headlines dealing with the murders. Figuring that this evidence was enough to sign Mark�s guilt (maybe he likes morbid scrap booking, Julie you dumb b*tch) , Julie seeks help from Father Janson.
Father agrees to meet with her but before she leaves Mark shows up to confront her. He insists that what she is thinking isn�t true but she responds with a knee to his balls. Julie rushes over the Father Janson who reveals that he himself is actually the culprit behind the murders. He pulls a knife out the cross on his wall and reveals that he can in fact walk when he gives chase to Julie.
Cat and mouse nonsense persists and after kneeing the Father to the balls, Julie hides in the bathroom. After discovering a body, Julie screams like a maniac giving her position away. Mark arrives outside to attempt a rescue but in an unlikely twist, Julie becomes fodder for the Father. That was honestly one of the few times I�ve seen a lead character get off�d in a movie. Well aside Linnea Quiqley but thats a given.
Anyhow the movie wraps up with an �aw f*ck it script move� where Mark discovers the body and finds blood on Father Janson�s cross. Turns out Father Janson was an escape convict from the beginning of the movie. Of course I�m sure much like me, you forgot about it by the end.
With a title like Splatter University, one can hope for the blood and guts to flow freely. However, this film was pretty much your standard pointless slasher wanna-be film. The editing in the movie was much like experiencing ADD on film format. Though the ending was a bit refreshing (have a female lead die), it still didn�t make up for the acres of useless filler scenes involving the fugly college students.
Same old knife play sh*t on the same old knife play sh*t channel...
1.) Father Janson - An escape convict turned priest who holsters a knife in a cross. The power of Christ truly compels when you�re packing a weapon.
Hello college kids...time to get the mascots ready for the big battle...
Father Janson
vs
Julie
In this sociology vs the clergy match up, Father Janson ends up cutting Julie like a fish. We have to reward this one to Father Janson in an odd evil role reversal. Side note; Father Janson could have gotten along with the sociology teacher if he simply followed my three approach to passing sociology class.
1.) Agree with the teacher no matter how insane the philosophy.
2.) Act like the left wing is the only wing.
3.) Michael Moore is a demigod.
The Winnah This Round: The Evil A-Holes
Score After Nine Reviews: The Evil A-Holes 6 Holy Rollers 3
