RELEASE DATE: 1958
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider - 7/17/8
After the credits we join a woman named Margaret who is described to us by the narrator (who refuses to shut the f*ck up for awhile) as a socialite. Apparently a few rather rough looking gents are waiting for her outside and she gets abducted. The cops arrive a day late and a buck short later to find the empty car parked on the side of the road.
Cut to night time where a guy named Dick and his Lassie clone dog are walking through the woods. Out of nowhere they see a light that lands in the forest. The guy, who apparently is used to seeing odd phenomena�s, simply walks away and calls it a night. Out of the explosion comes the title role chick who wanders about in a double picture negative kind of fashion. This becomes torture on the eyes after awhile. She comes across a coyote (who appears to be in heat) amongst other stock footage creatures. After molesting a rattlesnake, which turns rubber in her hands, she moves on to bigger prey.
Meanwhile, Margaret and her captors drive along a deserted highway. Nothing much happens in this scene other than a lot of uncomfortable silence and a radio announcement about Margaret�s abduction. The driver Brad panics at the sight of the alien woman on the side of the road and plows the car into a ditch. The passenger and brains of the operation Nat chastises him for a bit. The group consists of them, Margaret and another lady named Esther head out on foot.
We cut back to Dick who is having a very boring conversation with his dog. He also performs some science experiments�yep, this guy doesn�t get laid a lot. However his miniscule life is about to change. Nat arrives to threaten to take his jeep thus finally tying the plot together. He is greeted by Lassie clone who sits up in a non threatening manner. Oddly yet they dub a dog growling over the scene. Dick decides to bend reality a bit and not give up his jeep keys at gunpoint. He then proceeds to warn Nat and his group about walking on the road at night. Yep he actually f*cking warns a guy brandishing a pistol not to walk on the road.
The rest of the gang enters the house and Dick tells them of the busted lights on the jeep. Brad heads out to fix them while everyone gets comfortable in Dick�s house. They have your standard friendly hostage situation conversation until Brad comes in after not being able to fix the lights. The conversation continues on and we find out Dick is a geologist of sorts. Dick takes an incoming phone call from the fire department and Margaret tries to make her presence known over the phone. This is quickly extinguished, no fire department pun intended, by Dick who claims its just a house guest. Dick assures the fire department, who were reporting the meteor fire, that he will check around the house for flames.
Nat hears all this and decides to head out on his own as well. He pretty much follow�s Brad�s ill fated route and wastes roughly the same amount of time. He ends up face to face with she monster but Lassie clone decides to interfere. After all, why not protect the guy who held up your master at gunpoint. Stupid f*cking dog. Lassie clone becomes the next victim of the static electricity shock of death. Nat opens fire for a bit which makes the She Monster retreat. I should point out that aside the idiotic double negative effect, the She Monster moves around in a retarded manner. Picture a guy who is recovering from getting punched in the nuts and there you go.
Well Nat snatches up Brad�s body and heads back to Dick�s pad where Esther is boozing it up. Just out of curiosity, I wonder why Nat hangs out with such fodder. Seems like he could get someone a bit better for the lackey positions. Dick gets the 411 on his doggy buddy and he is a bit upset by it. The group talks about the alien menace for a bit. Dick brings out his Mr. Smartypants side and explains to Nat he picked up radium poisoning by touching Brad�s body. Dick also says that his face and hands may start to change color. Indeed, think of it as easy as getting chicken pox from your friend but a bit more fatal.
Nat decides he better get himself to a doctor stat. However another incoming phone call from the fire chief distracts Dick for a minute. I had to wonder why the fire dept kept calling Dick. Isn�t there at least a cat in town stuck in a tree somewhere? Anyhow, after this Nat turns on the radio to hear that people are after him for the kidnapping. He decides to high tail it with everyone out of there but is greeted quickly by She Monster. I have to stop here to explore why exactly she is referred to as a �monster�. She isn�t the least bit hideous, rather kind of attractive.
Nat and Dick decide fire is the best thing to deal with a radium producing alien being. Before they can really get their crap together, She Monster breaks through the window. After a slow paced chase out of the house, She Monster takes out Esther. Nat successfully leads her to a hill where he side steps her advance thus sending her down the hill. Dick and Margaret get back to Dick�s place where Dick attempts to call for help. Nat makes it back to the house once again and enters through the front door thus stopping him. At this point I�m assuming locks weren�t an option when Dick built his house.
Of course the She Monster remember what the two idiotic survivors forget. Theres a hole where the window used to be. She Monster gives chase to the folks again through the woods but is distracted by stock footage of a bear. She Monster takes the bear out, well actually it looked more like a bear skin rug that she was grabbing, and proceeds her unnecessarily slow stalking.
Dick decides that we haven�t seen enough of his pad and brings Margaret back to it. In an idea I won�t bother repeating because I really didn�t get it, Dick puts together a chemical bomb. Well, this idea works and the She Monster pretty much vaporizes before their eyes. Margaret notes that She Monster�s medallion was left over. Dick claims there is enough radium on it to kill an army. Yet, the idiot notes that there are proceeds to open it with a pair of work gloves. I really can�t f*cking believe the idiocy in this film.
What does Dick find? A small note which apparently has a thousand word message on it. It turns out the alien was an emissary to a far away planet who wanted to invite the earthlings to a intergalactic counsel. Dick and Margaret wonder if the next emissary will be friendly or out to avenge her death. I personally wondered why I wasted an hour of my life on this film.
The Astounding She Monster is plain low budget awfulness. I�ve read in different places that the budget was so low they couldn�t repair She Monster�s outfit when it ripped. Hence, why she walks out of a lot of scenes backwards. The film has virtually two points of action with both of them being exploited to film time. Scenes are repeated one after the other and the stock footage blending is one of Ed Woodian nature. If you dig cheese that is really moldy then this one is for you.
