RELEASE DATE: 2004
RATED: Made For Television
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider - 1/17/08
I should say first that the Puppet Master movies (although mostly mindlessly enjoyable) are a great source of confusion for yours truly. From part 1 to whatever the hell we�re on now, the whole story really is kind of loose. First we feared the toys were evil but then in Nazi Germany we cheered for them. Then Toulon�s puppets were given identities that contradicted each other. For example, Leech Woman in Part 3 was apparently the embodiment of his dead wife but he really didn�t seem to give a crap in part 2 when she got torched. I really hate to nitpick about such idiotic things but I believe in a bit of continuity. Especially since Full Moon produced so many damn sequels.
Now comes this film about the Toulon�s puppets which pits them against the Demonic Toys. Another movie produced by the company for which Mr. Band is known. I can recall thinking this was a decent idea several years ago however, for whatever reason, they decided to pit Dollman against the Demonic Toys. That is most definitely a film that sucked to high heaven. So lets see how this Sci-Fi original goes down.
Its Christmas time apparently and immediately we join up with Andre Toulon�s great grand nephew Robert Toulon who is hard at work with his daughter Alexandra. They own a doll hospital which I guess is a good place if your teddy bear is mugged or your dolly gets VD. Robert is played by none other than Corey Feldman. I think I should get my opinion about the actor in this role now. I can say honestly that Feldman made several movies in the 80s highly entertaining. I hardly doubt anyone could deny his legacy as an actor during the decade of excess with films like The Goonies, The Lost Boys and The Burbs. Granted his performance weren�t award winning but still, he is a face of a decade. Hell, he was one of few to off Jason in the Friday The 13th series.
In this role, although he does his best , I just couldn�t figure out how to buy Feldman in it. The 30 something actor has held up rather well throughout the years and still looks young. His �daughter� in the film looks around 20 something. If I tuned in during the middle of the show, I�d probably think they�re a couple. They try to hide this with white hair dye and glasses plus Feldman talks in a raspy older man�s voice which kind of becomes annoying after awhile. To sum it up, it�s a really bad and disturbing miscast.
Anyhow, Robert is trying to figure out bringing some of the classic puppet favorites to life. Included in the group is Blade, Six Shooter, Pinhead and Jester. Apparently his blood is needed to make the magic potion so Alexandra helps him with that. All the while, theres a bit of espionage going on via a toy lady bug. This is being telecast to huge toy company owner named Erica Sharpe and her goon Julian. Sharpe is played by Vanessa Angel who�s lips look a love child between Mick Jagger and Angelina Jolie. Apparently they are after the secret that makes Toulon toys so brutal or whatever. Why a million dollar toy corporation would care about having 2 foot tall toy assassins is one of the mysteries of this film.
Sharpe sends out Julian and the troops to abduct the Toulon toys which are successfully brought back to life by Toulon. All predictable hell breaks loose when the toys decide to fight back. Pinhead does his standard punching/choking thing, Six Shooter gets a few shots off, Blade slashes and Jester�well�he just kind of runs around being sneaky. Don�t get me wrong, I�ve always liked Jester it just doesn�t seem like he does much of anything. I kind of consider him like the old school professional wrestling manager who would hit someone with a foreign object when they weren�t looking.
Meanwhile back at Sharpe toys, Sharpe is fretting like a school girl about her henchmen�s failure. She basically wants dolls to do her bidding, blah blah blah. Her and Julian go inside and fetch the receptionist who happens to be a virgin. Side note, why a toy company would need a reception person late at night makes no sense to me. Anyhow, they take her down to the lowest level and she meets the Demonic Toys who tear her up pretty good. The group consists of the standards; the potty mouthed Baby Opsie Daisy, the growling Grizzly Teddy and the clown Jack Attack. All of which were apparent molds for Sharpe Toys which somehow are the hot Xmas items.
After the virgin gets gnawed on a bit, Sharpe sticks her in an iron maiden (Iron Maiden, EXCELLENT�sorry, Bill & Ted relapse there) and offers her blood to the demon Bael. Bael is basically the overseer of Sharpe Toy�s stock and plans to turn all their million or so toys into hell�s soldiers. In order to do this, the last drop of Toulon blood must be spilled. So here I had to question the motives involved. What exactly is the connection between the Toulon�s puppets and hell? That and why should that prevent hell from going through with their plans? I mean does one German toymaker have that much of a pimp hand in the spiritual universe? It gets explained rather half assed later. Sigh�must move on�
Toulon regroups the forces and starts to work on the puppets who were damaged in the scuffle. The toys note the lady bug spy on the shelf and when Toulon investigates it melts in his hand. Five minutes and a huge suspension of disbelief later, the Toulon family figures out via computer that Sharpe is behind the espionage. That and Toulon remembers receiving the lady bug from Sharpe in a chance meeting they once had. Their computer gets fried and they figure now is a good time to get out of Dodge. The puppets run out of their toy juice so the Toulons end up at Roberts grandmother�s house to make a new batch.
Robert makes a phone call to Russell who is at a charity shindig for Sharpe toys. Having a bit of a crush on the officer, Robert heads off to Sharpe toys to do some investigating. He stumbles on Julian wheeling the Demonic Toys in a cage. Robert is spotted and is attacked by Baby. He makes it out alive but severely disrupts the charity event and is placed under arrest by Russell. He tells her about the Demonic toys but she decides to let him go. She tells him she�ll check on him later. Side note, I�m not quite sure why police in these kind of films are so 1.) forgiving and 2.) so caring towards one person that they�d make their case the one thing they work on all day. If I was a toymaker yelling about evil toys I�m sure the straight jacket would be slapped on me rather quickly.
Robert continues work on the toys virtually turning them into half assed cyborgs. I guess this was supposed to make them seem cool and fresh but they end up looking rather lame. Also in a ridiculous plot connection, he remembers seeing a tattoo on one of the guys who raided his shop. Alexandra immediately recognizes it as a symbol of Satanism which is yet another way too convenient thing.
Meanwhile, Russell goes to the Toulon�s old place and finds herself assaulted by the toys. She makes it out but Baby tags along unbeknownst her. She somehow magically guesses the Toulon�s current residence and teams up with them. However, Baby is able to call Sharpe on a cell phone and after knocking Russell over the head, he rats on the Toulon�s whereabouts. Before you know it, the toys and the Toulons are kidnapped by Sharpe�s forces. The toys are sealed in a lock tight box and Robert is knocked out.
Robert wakes up and finds himself inside of Sharpe�s office getting sexually harassed by Sharpe. She tries to convince him to impregnate her with sympathy sex to continue the Toulon family line. Um, out of curiosity wasn�t the whole point of her deal with Bael to end Toulon blood? Anyhow, Robert refuses and demands to see his daughter who had been hauled off to the iron maiden room.
Julian visits Robert and brings along Jack Attack. Now for of you who recall Demonic Toys, Jack pretty much jumps out of a box and bites people. For some odd reason, he is given the super ability of making high pitched shrills which disrupts everyone around him. Why the hell was this necessary? Granted I know he is just a snake clown attached to a box but still, why introduce things that contradict the old films? (The contradicting doesn�t end here by the way.) Julian�s eyes get blown out by the shrill but the puppets escape and hack away at Jack. Robert and puppets escape from the office and reunite with Russell who once again used ESP or something to find the Toulon�s whereabouts.
Meanwhile downstairs, Alexandra is prepared to be a sacrifice for Bael who arrives donning a Santa suit. I guess there are costume rental shops in hell or something. Robert and company arrive and before the final battle, we are introduced to why Bael needs to end Toulon blood. Deep breath�.6 centuries ago Robert�s relative sold his soul to Bael for the education in alchemy yet never ponyed up to his end of the bargain which would be his soul because his soul ended up caught up in an oak tree which another relative of the Toulons carved the original puppets from thus leading up to current events�gasp�ok read that again if you must.
See this where a film like this just really pisses me off. . I couldn�t figure out if the puppets carved from the sacred oak were our current friends Pinhead, Jester, Six Shooter and Blade. If so, that would so contradict so much covered in prior films. Blade apparently came into existence in Nazi Germany so theres no way he could have come from that tree. Then theres the whole Retro Puppet Master thing to consider. That and if Bael really wanted to end Toulon blood why did he wait 6 centuries. Also, and I can�t recall this 100%, didn�t Andre have zero kids after he blew his brains out in part one? That would have killed the Toulon blood if so. Or at least for the puppet makers. Deep breath�ok�
I know, it�s a silly movie series that shouldn�t be thought over much. Still, at least they can frickin� try to have things jive in the plot�s story. I�m not one of those nerds that�s going to challenge every plot loop in a film�s lineage. Ok�well maybe I am a nerd who will challenge every plot loop in a film�s lineage. However, I can be lenient. Perhaps the notion that only cult fans of the series would watch this crap is beyond the production of the film
Anyhow, Sharpe fails to kill of Alexandra which really bothers Bael. He takes her back to the fiery depths of hell ending her terror reign on the toy industry. The Toulons, Russell and the Puppets all pack up and decide to go celebrate Christmas thankfully ending the film.
A film like this is why many people equate the word �sucks� with Sci-Fi originals. That�s a shame because I�m sure somewhere there are a few good ones in their gazillion or so library. I simply hate films that use a character�s name in a title and they only make a cameo. Why would I care about anything else but the title character? I�m not even a rabid fan of Puppet Master or Demonic Toys so I imagine how those fans felt about this piece of tripe.
So yes I finally made it through a Sci-Fi original. Am I happy, a bit not apparently but not all apples on the tree are good ones. I�m sure my friends below can help you find one�maybe?
