RELEASE DATE: 1966
RATED: PG
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Our story begins with some information about the time we are watching. As the movie title hints, it is indeed one million years B.C. and the world is a rather unkind place. An announcer tells us in a NOVA commentator voice of a tribe of rock people. The "roll" people haven't been invented yet...get it rock n roll people...cricket sound...ok never f*cking mind.
Anyhow, they don't venture out much and live in a mountain cave. Basically they are in the west bumf*ck of B.C. times. They are lead by Akhoba who has two sons, Sakata and our friend Tumak. They apparently do not like each other much and before you know it, Tumak gets into a fight with his father over a piece of meat. No...not one of the tribe's women...a real piece of meat.
Anyhow, Tumak quickly finds himself an outcast and on a long scroll through the B.C. neighborhood. Immediately he comes across a rather large iguana. Funny sh*t follows as he runs from the iguana which of corse is only 12 inches long in real life but made to look big. Tumak escapes the unfriendly reptile and heads into a cave which has some water and fruit. However, the cave also houses some morlock looking creatures. Knowing he isn't welcome there, Tumak trudges through the desert. Exhausted by his long journey, he passes out near shoreline.
When he comes to, he finds himself in the Beverly Hills of B.C. times. There is a bunch of blonde women in the ocean spear fishing. Guess what, they apparently possess the earliest of Bic razors because their legs and armpits are completely hairless. Oh, and somehow the pre-historic Avon lady made it to their tribe too. Well anyhow, these chicks are part of the shell people tribe. They are much more advanced and civilized than the rock people. Plus, they have a bikini clad Raquel Welch (who I've heard caused many of wet dreams for those who were pubescent teenage boys at the time this came out) as Loana.
Well immediately, Loana takes a liking to the half dead Tumak. Yeah he is one sexy scrubby mutha f*cka isn't he? After a brief battle with a huge sea turtle, the shell people haul Tumak back to their cave. After he recuperates, Tumak finds himself a welcome visitor in their kind tribe. He takes note of their advanced weapons and way of life. Shortly thereafter, a dinosaur ravages the tribe and Tumak saves the day. However, his welcome is worn out when he gets into a fight with a tribesman. As Willie Nelson would say, its time to get on the road again. However this time Loana joins him for the ride.
Meanwhile, across town...er...I mean the barren wasteland, Akhoba falls off a cliff during a hunting trip. This was caused primarily by Sakata who takes over the tribe for the severely injured Akhoba. During this time, Tumak and Loana are making progress on getting back to the rock people. However, they bump into two dinosaurs who are in the middle of the battle of the century. After getting around the combatants, Loana finds herself separated from Tumak. Out of nowhere she comes across Sakata who tries to kidnap her. Tumak catches up and beats the snot out of Sakata. After the beat down is stopped by Loana, they head back to the rock people cave.
Immediately, the rock people seem happy to see Tumak. However as for Loana, she finds herself in a B.C. catfight with one of the tribe's women. Thats right...get out your pre-historic dollar bills cavemen! After Loana gets the upper hand, the fight is broken up by Tumak. After this the tribe starts to learn improved ways from Tumak and Loana. However, Q The Winged Serpent shows up for a snack. Ok...maybe it wasn't Q but the creature takes Loana away. Loana eventually gets away from the creature when it starts a B.C. cock fight with another flying dinosaur. However, Tumak arrives late and assumes she is dead.
Loana is wounded but makes it to the shell people and asks for their help. Meanwhile, Sakata finds this a good time to take back the tribe from Tumak. Tumak eventually meets up with Loana and her tribe in the desert. The two lovebirds reunite and head back to confront Sakata and those faithful to him. Tumak and company beat back their legions but all of this gets interrupted when the cave people's residency gets blown to sh*t. Turns out the cave people weren't real estate barons and built their home on a volcano. Well after much earth shifting and deaths by lava Tumak, Loana and the rest of survivors head out as a new tribe.
Like I said, this movie had little to no dialog with the only sounds coming from the actors being the occasional grunt. It was probably a good thing too because a lot of the actors were from places other than America. (I thought it would be funny to do this review in caveman language but I know that would have gotten old after two sentences.) The film itself is not action packed excitement but something does pull you into it's simple plot. On the special effects side, Ray Harryhausen serves up another fine stop motion animation gem. The film also has a happy ending in which all of mankind lives together in harmony forever. Oh wait a minute...guess we f*cked up that idea a little later on...oh well.
1.) Cavegirls Gone Wild - Loana gets into a catfight with one of the rock people's women. The guys grunt in excitement proving that men haven't evolved much in one million years.
1.) Akhoba and Sakata - These father and son duo prove to be the B.C. version of Darth Vadar and Luke. Wait...does that make Tumak Princess Leia? I'd rather not imagine him in the Jabba's slave outfit.
2.) Prehistoric Creatures - A giant iguana, tarantula, turtle and random dinosaurs make up this group that mauls random tribesmen. Sadly, they just don't make petting zoos as interesting as they used to be.
