RELEASE DATE: 1989
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider - 11/10/08
The businessman and his cronies take note of what their up against and head off for the evening. I�m not sure where they go but I�m assuming the boys head out for some milk and cookies before bed. Back at the party, a young lady and two fellows show up to visit. She addresses one as the president and points out the leader of the group, a high afro�d woman who is the high priestess. She pleads that these practices are put to an end. Well her activist days are short lived, the president has his buddy off the girl. Meanwhile the high priestess decides to sacrifice a fellow as well.
After the credits roll over a very loud 80s synch beat, we get introduced to a fellow named Barney. He jogs into a security place and asks the secretary Jane to update him when a Harold Llewellyn saunters in. Barney apparently has inherited a security company from his father and honestly, he has no clue what the f*ck he�s doing. Barney gets on the phone with a client while Harold rolls in. Harold doesn�t seem all that happy with Barney as he verbally bitch slaps him to Jane.
Meanwhile in a plot line far away, a girl is jogging through the park. A guy and a girl assailant attack her but she is rescued by some fellow sitting on a park bench. He beats the snot out of the attackers all under the watchful eye of the Caucasian mafia. The girl confronts the guy, who�s name is Waldo, and she pries for information. It turns out she is a rich girl who has tons of people after her money. More on her later. Either way, the point of this scene is that Waldo is one bad mofo or something.
Cut to Barney and Harold who hold an unnecessarily long business meeting outdoors about their company�s future. The main point of this scene is their business is flopping and they have to find Waldo to save it. Where�s Waldo (you knew that was coming) you may ask? He�s hanging out in a dive bar where wearing sunglasses at night and looking tough are apparently mandatory. A girl approaches Waldo to talk but he refuses her for now. Barney is there and the two talk for a bit. It turns out, Waldo is still under contract to Barney�s business.
This conversation gets cut off when the two park assailants from earlier arrive to confront Waldo. They get their asses handed to them again but they have another thing in mind. The girl who approached Waldo earlier gets fitted with an odd thermal detonator of sorts and explodes in a rather awful special effects moment. However in the land of plot convenience-ville,, her severed arm remains and it contains a note in her hand. Waldo picks it up and calls it a night. By the way, if this film isn�t making sense to you at this point don�t worry, I had no f*cking clue either.
Cut to a local party where Barney and Harold are providing security for the Island Of San Caribe�s President Avalos. He is the nice president from the beginning that had the girl bumped off. Barney gets chastised a bit by Mr. Avalos and Jane from the office comes to join them. I had to wonder about a secretary going to an event. Perhaps in their company executive assistants go beyond the call of answering phones and taking memos. Well anyhow, she points out the Caucasian mafia�s leader who happens to be named Ciprian Lane. Harold tells of how they are a cruel agency always looking to outbid other security firms. Not that they have to worry seeing they have the mighty Waldo on their side.
Anyhow, all this time killing crap in the past few sentences leads to an AK-47 assault on the party. The losses are heavy with the President getting capped and Jane wounded along with a few people with wounds not resembling that of an AK-47 bullet. Harold, Barney, Waldo and Colonel Esteve all meet and they decide all the fingers point to Anjanette. Waldo goes up to check up on Anjanette who is being tended to by her mother. Waldo and Mrs. President have a hasty conversation which results in having Waldo bring out the piece of paper he got from the exploded girl. He confronts her about this mysterious message and roundabout tells her his suspicion of a voodoo coup attempt. She doesn�t take this kindly and slaps him in a silly manner.
Harold and Barney plan out some damage control for their company and head back to the massacre site. They talk a bit about of who could have pulled off the job so nicely. However they are broken up when they are attacked by two assailants. Guess who they are, the same ones that were fought off by Waldo twice before. Way to overuse the extras director�s chair. Harold gets attacked by the female assailant which prompts Barney to stop what he�s doing and stare helplessly. What a f*cking moron. Anyhow, Barney gets his ass handed to him by the male assailant but actually succeeds in stopping the assailant before he can hit Harold with a horribly telegraphed punch.
The two somehow manage to scare the attackers away and are quickly joined by Esteve. They BS a bit until Esteve tells them to check out the secret voodoo spot in the factory for clues. So they do so with Mrs. Davalos, Anjanette and Waldo. For whatever reason, Ciprian Lane is there as well. Mrs. Davalos goes under some trance and walks on hot coals. It turns out the high voodoo priestess is her mother, or something. At this point I didn�t really care to be honest. Ciprian decides to let the boys loose on the ritual who whip out their pistols and start shooting. Waldo fires a single shot out of his finger killing one of the Caucasian mafia member. More on that idiocy later.
Esteve heads back to the kitchen area where the President is still alive. He proceeds to off him by sticking his face in a fryalator. The president perishes, again, in the vat of grease that looked as about as hot as a glass of lemonade. So with a killer on the loose and a nation in peril, our heroes decide its time to take a piss. Ciprian and one of his boys are hanging out in the restroom stalls. Waldo proceeds to take them out with his penis. Uh, it�s a gun. Makes me wonder what his anus does, drops grenades maybe?
Esteve heads out to the voodoo fest again and proceeds to take out a few guys with a rather odd looking mace. Meanwhile, the voodoo priestess gives a chant about killing all those that oppose them. Speaking of which, Siprian�s last boy tries to infiltrate the ritual but falls prey to a booby trap. The voodoo priestess proceeds to skin him alive but Mrs. Avalos sees this as an offense. She stops her only to get a knife in the stomach. The group around her stop and stare sadly. I guess skinning white guys alive is one thing but killing Mr. Avalos is another. The priestess decides to off herself and disappears in a blaze after falling on the hot coals.
Barney and all the other folks arrive and note the voodoo worshipers backing off from the scene. He proceeds to utter the words that I was thinking, �I don�t get it�. Well Harold explains to us that the priestess was the last of a long line of voodoo practitioners and now her followers are free to go. Stupid�but whatever at this point. Quickly we join Waldo and Anjanette who are facing Esteve. Esteve monologues in standard criminal fashion while holding a briefcase. Waldo eventually takes him out with a shot to the head via the groin. The film proceeds to wrap up with Annette the new President and Barney�s security business doing well.
As I sit back now after watching this wreck, I can�t for the life of me figure out what the hell this film was about. Perhaps most confusing is the antagonist angle. First we have a voodoo group who enjoy killing people. Then we have an evil security firm which leads to an evil military leader. The load of these characters and other �wtf�questions fill the run time. Its as if someone had ADD behind the camera and forgot what they were filming. Then dare I bring up the idiocy of the cyborg security officer which I think they meant as a central character. However, his angle gets lost somewhere within the other gigantic piles of horsesh*t. I mean seriously, its like there are 5 different plot lines all mixed together making not an ounce of sense. Then again, with a named like �Full Moon� attached, it makes me wonder why I expected any more from this film than simply a pile of horsesh*t.
Side note here on something else bothering the crap out of me. The film�s title is The Occultist. Sure there was a voodoo group in the movie but once again I must enforce this film has no central idea revolving around anything. This confusing concept doesn�t stop here mind you. If you look at the DVD cover you will see a private dick kind of guy wearing what seems to be something out of Michael Jackson�s Thriller closet. He�s sitting there while a girl in a red mini skirt wields the mace Esteve uses. What the hell does this have to do with the movie and where does it appear, arggggggggggggggg!
This film really has no appeal value even for bad movie fans. When I say this film is unwatchable, I almost stopped watching it after attempting and failing several times to make it sound clear. As of this writing, I do not fear a proofread more than I do now.
Addendum (months later):: Yeah, the proofread sucked...
