RELEASE DATE: 1984
RATED: Unrated
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
It is indeed 2072 and the world is now apparently a painfully obvious miniature model of Blade Runner�s hometown. The film gives us an update following the narration rule of lameness in the plot somewhere. We are told that two networks are battling for ratings and things have gotten rather gruesome on national television. As the film goes on about this, one may note the horrid music bed that plays under it. It is part of three headache educing musical scores in this movie. Let us cover them now;
1.) The one I just mentioned which is a bit of a looping guitar riff over an occasional �Dun da-da� Wild World Of Sports fanfare.
2.) A Barry White lets make love jazzy number which plays when some chick the main protagonist is interested in appears on screen.
3.) The training intense montage which is um...my friends...some things just need to be heard.
In other words, the score really bl*ws in this movie. There are variations of the music I just listed but generally its like having a toothpick lodged in your ear. Luckily there is action to take our mind off it. Matter of fact we get introduced to one of the more popular future shows called �Kill Bike�. Basically, it�s a bunch of dudes riding around on bikes beating the snot out of each other.
The main champion Drake wins the competition but the powers that be complain about the lower ratings. These powers consist of network big wig Cortez who takes orders from a guy named Sam. Cortez has a chick working for him named Sarah who is involved in the programming.
Cut to a show that makes contestants suffer a slow agonizing torture. No it doesn�t involve forcing someone to watch The View, however it puts scary hallucinations into the contestants mind. Turns out this show has unacceptable ratings as well. Sam arrives to tell Cortez to make up for the poor ratings by putting together a revival or the gladiator games of old. He also tells Cortez to consult the super computer named �Junior� on implementing the final touches to the game plans.
Junior shows Cortez the contestants who have volunteered for the show. Turns out they are all prison inmates who will compete for a full pardon. However, Junior suggests that they get a true hero for the games like Drake from Kill Bike. Since Drake didn�t fit the whole in prison prerequisite thing, they send a bunch of whistling dudes to kill his wife. Whistling dudes you ask...well lets just say the dudes invade his house and all whistle simultaneously before killing off his wife. Nothing like assassins who give away their position.
Moving on, Drake is sent to jail for supposedly killing off the guys who killed his wife. Drake gets branded with a charming bracelet homing device (all the other contestants wear one too) that keep track of his location. Cortez introduces Drake to the leader of the guard who is Raven. Immediately he kindly greets him by blasting him with a green laser baton and demonstrates the disintegrating force field that shrouds the prison doors. Raven is the only one that can turn it off via a remote in his hand. I had to wonder if that remote controlled his entertainment system also.
Once inside, Drake meets up with a horribly disfigured guy name Monk. Turns out the two are old buddies and Drake quickly finds out he is his only friend in the pen for now. The other baddies include an Asian guy named Akira (not the anime guy), a big dude named Abdul (football star turned actor Fred Williamson) and a scrubby guy name Kirk among others.
Abdul and Akira get called away to a special training simulation. More like special-ed training simulation which features the guys in a storeroom fighting enemies in a strobe light. Meanwhile, Drake meets up with Sarah who probes his brain to find his hate level...or something. After this, Drake jumps into a training session in which his wife�s killers appear in front of him. He doesn�t want to kill them though because he claims he didn�t them before. Uh oh...good guy plot angle coming.
All of this perplexes Sarah who confronts Junior about it. She comes up with nothing as Drake gets assaulted by his fellow inmates. This is broken up by Raven and his men who assault all the inmates. However, Drake stands up to Raven making the others realize they are worth more alive to the network than dead. Drake threatens to kill himself in the disintegrator but Raven turns it off just in time. Drake quickly goes into leader mode when this happens.
Sarah later shows Drake a memory video of the night his wife was murdered. Ah, aren�t memories grand. Turns out that Drake is indeed innocent because there was a third party sent in to kill the assassins. Sarah talks to Cortez about this and also the fact Junior won�t let her know anything more about it. Cortez tells his other female assistant to keep an eye on Sarah�s nosiness.
Later in the evening, Monk gives Drake a computer thinga-magiggar to swallow which allows him to escape. The inmates follow as Drake fries the security system with his new found talent. Aka blinking to shut off the security system....um ok. However, the group is snagged on top of the building during their escape.
Sarah pays a visit to an old teacher of hers named Professor Towman. Turns out he is the guy who designed Junior and has a dot on his forehead that miraculously keeps changing shape. Way to go in the continuity department guys. She reveals to him that Junior could have programmed the murder of Drake�s wife. The Professor claims that some evil force could have overtaken Junior�s computer mind.
He gives her a pass key to Junior and heads out to get a detonation code for Junior. However, when he leaves the room he gets bumped off by an unknown assassin. Sarah also finds Drake�s female assistant dead as well. While leaving she bumps into Monk who somehow got out of jail. He claims to have been following her for her safety. Somehow not alarmed that an apparent inmate got out of jail, she follows him back to the studio.
Cut to the Colosseum where it is indeed game time. The show is titled �Battle Of The Damned� and every contestant start off on bikes. Many get bumped off during the first battle and immediately the second round of the battle starts features a chariot type race. All the while, Sarah breaks in to Junior using the Professor�s pass key. She finds out that the bracelets the inmates are rigged with are wired to blow. Turns out Cortez was involved with this idea as an attempt to discredit the president of the station.
Anyhow long story short, Sarah rides out to the remaining gladiators to warn them of this problem. Drake, Akira, Abdul and Kirk all ride off to confront Cortez who tells them there is no stopping their destruction. Akira gets knocked off, Kirk gets fried when he rips his bracelet off and Abdul kills off Cortez . Out of nowhere Sam arrives to mock them about killing the one man who knew how to stop him. He also admits that he is part of the computer�s main frame. Turns out he is an evil incarnation of Junior�s main frame. Oh and he mentions he is conveniently located thousands of miles away in space on a satellite.
Sarah is able to use her pass key to get into Junior. The three are greeted by Monk who apparently was under Cortez�s control all along. He also had a video camera in his eye which allowed Cortez to spy on them. Drake blasts him and luckily for the group, Monk was the one who killed Professor Towman.
In a just go with it plot move, it turns out Monk captured Junior�s destruction sequence on tape before he kill him. Sarah successfully inputs the code into the computer which destroy Junior for good. The movie ends with Drake and Sarah falling in love. Gee that was a quick recovery process for a guy who just lost his wife.
The New Gladiators was goofy and a bit campy at times. However, it did supply some fun entertainment and a fresh plot. Well then again, that last comment brings ups a whole �what came first� argument. It goes without saying that this film closely resembles the plot of Richard Bachman�s The Running Man which was written in 1982. The film staring the Gov-en-nator was produced much later. Perhaps there is no coincidence but most film goers will note the two stories are very much alike.
Oh well, I guess one could tie this to Death Sport too but I won�t insult the great Lucio Fulci.
1.) Win A New Car - A woman competes on the show which transplants horrible hallucinations into the contestant�s brain. In this particular one she was forced to imagine a pit and pendulum type situation. Her throat gets cut in the process. Thats right folks, all the thrills of The Price Is Right and none of the boredom of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
2.) Game Time - In The Battle Of The Damned several contestants are decapitated, blown up and run over. Its much like American Gladiators except more entertaining and minus the women who look like they should have testicles
1.) Cortez and Sam - These two network executives set up a bunch of guys to compete in a ruthless death match for their personal gain. However, I�d say that their programming ideas are still a lot better than 98% of the reality shows of today.
2.) Raven - I heard after the fall of the network in this movie, he had his own show titled �He�s So Raven�.
3.) The Whistling Killers - Favorite songs include the first two minutes of Guns N Roses Patience and random parts of The Scorpion�s Winds Of Change.