RELEASE DATE: 1983
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Our tale begins one evening with some dude checking out a house in the middle of a very thick fog. He finds a substance which I would say looks a lot like honey mustard in the middle of the grass and collects a sample. He heads into the house only to off�d by...um...something.
After the credits roll we meet up with our...a-hem...heroes Josh and Mike. Josh, who looks a little too much like David Hasselhoff for comfort, explains to us he is taking his brother Mike out to the country side for a little R and R. Mike, who apparently never learned to button up his shirt, is a bit anal retentive and apparently is on the rebound from some relationship. I�m assuming his boyfriend left him or something.
Well lets see here; two city boys in a southern town. Guess we should cue up some obnoxious rednecks. Allow me to introduce Albert and his fellow gang of hillbillies. They succeed in running Josh and Mike off the road into a ditch. The boys start to hitchhike and a seemingly nice fellow named Mel agrees to drive them into town.
On the drive Mel spins yarns how its not good to stay in town due to some oddities and whatnot. You know, foreshadowing done in the most painfully obvious way. After he drops off the boys in town, Mel radios in via CB to an unknown person saying they�re all clear. Dun dah dah...something is rotten in Hickville.
With no car and only their backpacks, Josh and Mike decide the most obvious place to go for help is the local waterin� hole...idiots. However before they do, Mike takes up one of the most annoying roles in horror movies. A role I like to call �We have to get some help� role. He does this when he discovers a body of a drunk in an ally way. Josh, who was easy to relate to with this issue, insists that they get their car out of town and move on. Mike being his douche bag self insists they tell local law enforcement.
Anyhow, they meet up with Albert in the bar and a rather poorly choreographed bar fight ensues. This is broken up by local Sherif Will, hero of the drunken common folk. Mike tells him of the body and of corse the body isn�t there when they go to check things out. However, more of the honey mustard substance is there which the Sherif collects. Mike, who is wounded from the bar room fight, goes to the local Dr. Tate who patches up his boo boos...p*ssy. While there, Sherif gives the doctor a sample of the honey mustard to analyze.
The Sherif hooks the boys up with a lady named Mrs. Mapes who offers them a room for the night. She mentions that her daughter died a while back and she enjoys the company. This parlays into something you will all forget by the time it shows up later in the plot line. Anyhow, the good news is Mike gets off�d by something under his bed in the middle of the night.
Josh wakes up to find out his brother has disappeared. Once again, Einstein goes to the local waterin� hole for information. It is there she meets up with another main player, Holly. Holly, for a reason I will never be able to comprehend, is the local bar keep BUT also serves as the local school teacher. Hmmm...wouldn�t it be tragic for the kids if she mixed up careers on day. Perhaps more tragic for the drunken hillbillies if that happened. Anyhow, she mentions how the town is feeling well due to some tummy ache or something and most of the kids are out of school for that reason...sigh...(convincing myself to believe that one)...ok moving on.
Holly joins up with Josh in the Mike hunt...thats some funny sh*t right there...Mike Hunt. They both head to the school where they meet up with one boy named Billy. For some odd reason he is there alone and claims his parents have left his house. Oh get over it kid...I would too if you were my kid. Anyhow, Josh stumbles upon the body of a dead girl. Albert arrives (guess he is the school janitor or something) and the two fight badly again. Josh leaves but quickly becomes a suspect in the girl�s murder.
Meanwhile across town, Dr. Tate informs the Sherif that the honey mustard substance was definitely not produced by something human. (Oh Christ, I didn�t see that one coming a mile away.) She also insists that she look at the dead girls body before the State does. Sherif agrees to it and she starts her autopsy. Turns out the honey mustard substance comes from those suffering from the �flu�. However, this �flu� turns people into zombies that suck blood out of slits in their hands. Just go with it...its easier to comprehend if you do. Anyhow, unfortunately for Tate her assistant comes down with it and she gets off�d.
Anyhow, Josh eventually meets up with Holly and the two start a way too late in the film romance. The two smooch away and you can actually spot the shadow of a boom mike in the scene. After this nonsense, the two go do some investigative reporting on a local chemical factory on the outskirts of town. Turns out the fellow named Mel from the beginning is behind the dumping of toxic waste into the town�s water supply. This in turn is the cause of the zombie outbreak. Once again...Christ, I didn�t see that coming. Josh and Holly escape A-Team style and leave the place a mess.
So anyhow, long story short; Josh, Holly and Sherif unite to defend themselves against the zombies who apparently don�t like the light. Who knew they were fair skinned. Taking the standard idiotic main character route, they all split up.
Josh still insists on finding Mike which he eventually does inside Mr. Mapes�s house. Turns out her daughter wasn�t dead, rather just a little undead. Sherif goes off to find Dr. Tate dead and gets cornered in by zombies. Meanwhile, Holly heads to the school to get Billy who humorously gets off�d by a bunch of zombie kids. Josh arrives just in time to save her and the two head off to find the Sherif.
Josh unsuccessfully looks for the Sherif and this gets interrupted when the zombies attack Holly who is waiting in the car. Josh battles to the car and the two take off. In another careful bit of film editing, a zombie punches through the windshield in one scene only to have the car have a nice shiny non-damaged windshield in another scene.
The film ends when Josh and Holly corner themselves in a gas station. Albert arrives to make a last stand only to get ripped out of the window by the zombies. Just when all seems lost, Sherif makes a surprise reappearance with a calvary. Well, maybe surprise isn�t the right word. May �thank whatever celestial force you believe the movie is within five minutes of ending� appearnence. The movie ends with the main heroes intact and a radio report saying the chemical factory is expanding. Well if they go into Canada I say why not.
Mutant is in no way the most amazing living dead film ever shot. That and every generic concept in movie history was used with hardly any originality. Well save the sucking of blood through hands which was a bit stupid.
However, I have to admit the movie kept my attention for the entire duration. That is more than I can say for a lot of films reviewed on this site. Although I doubt my attention span can strain that much for a second viewing.
1.) This Sucks - People get their blood sucked out of them by zombie hands. Thats right young men, hairy palms are just the start of masturbation side effects.
1.) Mutants - Not only can they drain your life force with suction cups in their hands, they can also double as cutesy care window decorations to go next to your Garfield and Baby On Board sign.
2.) Albert - Proudly following the traditions of the Cahulawassee River folk
3.) Mel - One of few Redneck Yuppies in existence.
