RELEASE DATE: 1988
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
The film begins with spoken narration..no need to explain what that means for the plot. Cut to the South Sea Queen getting her freak on with some dude. He finds out premature ejaculation can be quite fatal with the wrong woman when something in her...a-hem...cavern of delights bites his main vein off. By the way, according to the armpit hair I almost assumed she was French.
She brags that no man could ever please her but oh my friends, her world is about to be rocked. Some dude comes in and a couple of sweaty seconds later he is grabbing the thing living in her...a-hem...heart shaped box. That would be an eel which with a magic stroke from him turns into some sort of dagger...um...ok??? She swears vengeance for her penis obliterator and claims that 100 years later the guy's female relative would be cursed for the insult.
Moving on to somewhere in the 80s where college student Tania Wilson is working on her thesis. She is investigating the South Sea Queen and despite a warning from an old Asian guy in the library, she decides to continue with he research. I think its time I add a new rule to the Darksider Dictionary. The "Old Asian Mentor" rule which would best be described as a rule they always warn about only to be ignored.
Tania's research claims the Queen's castle sunk into the ocean and she heads out on a charter boat to check it out. While scuba diving, one of the most ridiculous "suspension of disbelief" moments in movie history happens. Stock footage of a wave plays which cuts back in forth to the boat charter captain going "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO". Never does it show the boat getting nailed by the monster wave but I'm glad it didn�t. That makes it oh so much easier to pick on.
Meanwhile in the abyss, Tania gets violated by the South Sea Queen's eel after getting tied to a bed. This changes her into the film's title character. Make no sense...well it will make less sense in about a few paragraphs. LT (for short) catches up with a few drunks on the beach. Don't know why but drunk people in movies always act a lot funnier than real ones. Anyhow, the stunned guys are amazed to see a naked chick willing to put out. Of course, they don't satisfy her needs and their peckers go bye-bye.
Shortly after this, LT goes to some nearby hotel and becomes one with the South Sea Queen...or something. All I know is a bunch of horribly done lightening effects shoot out of her eyes. The film then jumps to our "hero" Max who is a cop. Max is hot on the trail of the pecker thief...imagine that water cooler discussion in the police station.
After getting briefly acquainted with him, the film switches gears to Debbie Gibson wanna-be Erica. She hangs out at the mall with a friend who ends up buying a necklace that once belonged to the South Sea Queen. Why such a rare gem can be found at a penny, dime store at the mall is beyond me. LT follows Erica's friend into the bathroom and puts a bullet or two in her. After stealing her necklace, LT heads out gunning down a few people.
Sigh...now here comes the part which some may argue is an homage to a James Cameron film staring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Most would say its a bit of a rip off. I say its a complete f*cking crime that no one sued this movie for copyright infringement. Oh hell...not like the movie makers could have paid up anyways.
In a dark club where Erica is performing, LT shows up and raises havoc with her Uzi. Max and in his partner, who were in the crowd, open fire on a leather clad LT who falls down repeatedly only to rise slowly. She even does the little finger twitch thing before rising. Max walks over and says, and I swear I'm not kidding, "Come with me if you want to live".
Ok...so I can maybe understand the dark club, the leather clad indestructible being and the gunplay as maybe just taking bits and pieces off Ahnold�s Terminator. But as for "Come with me if you want to live..." give me a f*cking break...are we not supposed to notice the similarities? Oh the f*cking humanity.
Anyhow, the crap continues with the same chase scene from The Terminator into an alley and LT jumping on the car. Unlike The Terminator, she doesn't put her hand through the window. The two drive off in chase scene which ends in with a physics challenging crash. Basically, LT's car somehow goes flying over Max's car when she hit his car's side. Imagine filling an accident report on that sh*t.
So one rip off scene in and one has to wonder if thats it. I mean they wouldn't feature a scene in which LT blows away an entire police station right? Oh wait a minute...yeah they do. Before this though we get a little plot exposition that no one really cares about. That would be Erica's ancient relative showing up to tell the history of a plot line long forgotten. Turns out she is the cursed relative of the guy who stopped the South Sea Queen long ago. Now the South Sea Queen is back as LT to kill her off. The old man gives Erica the dagger and tells her something to the fact that she'll know when to use it...oh great... one of those situations...
Cue the police station battle which sees many get blow away. Have to say a few things become even more rather peculiar in the film. For instance, LT keeps getting capped but for some odd reason, bullet holes on her skin seem not to be a problem. Also during the scene, the weapon of choice in the movie (an M60) doesn't seem to need reloading on anyone's part...even after a few hundred rounds.
Also, and this is a standard with just about any crappy movie, there always seems to be a few employees that fail to hear gunshots going off in the building. One guy gets capped in his office and a file clerk gets blasted while holding a stack of files mind you. I'm assuming these morons were listening to their I-Pod at the time or something.
Anyhow, the old man steps in giving way to a bunch more crap that doesn�t make sense. Try to follow...he takes out some kind of talisman (or something) which glows green. She shoots at him and he seems to not be phased. He then fires the green light at LT knocking her on her ass. LT notices a hole in his clothing and then shoots him through the hole thus killing him.
Um...wait a minute here...it wasn't like this guy was wearing Kevlar so why did the hole in the clothing matter. Nothing was ever mentioned in the plot line prior about powerful spiritual clothing either. Oh hell with it...not worth going into further...brain hurts...must move on....
Well after much gunplay and bullet holes, Max leaves with Erica and heads out to a secluded spot in the wilderness. Why, well we needed a useless love story according to the script writers. Meanwhile across town, in another scene we�ve never seen before in movie history, Erica cuts out her wounded eye and cures it.
Apparently forgetting there is a crazed, indestructible biatch on the loose, Max takes Erica out to the mall to make a phone call. Much like an incompetent father, Max takes his eye off Erica and gets on the horn. He sets up a rendevous with the remaining cops at some airfield. LT almost wastes Erica again thus cuing up another overdone chase scene.
Max leads LT out to the airfield and on cue his buddies pop out loaded to the gill with weapons. Apparently they hadn't figured out by this point that weapons against LT were about as useful as a flamethrower under water. The guys assault LT by air and land eventually blowing her car to pieces.
Erica shrills in the fact that their ordeal is over...oh please Erica, like that f*cking ever happens. A burnt up LT emerges and takes out just about everybody and chases Max/Erica into a nearby air traffic control tower. A rather boring climax leads to Erica stabbing LT with the dagger her relative gave her earlier. LT goes out in a fit of bad special FX lightening and the dagger ceases to be. I always wondered why mystical weapons had a habit of disappearing after use. Come to think of it, they�re almost like urinal cakes.
Guess I should say now, it made little to no sense to have such an easy way to kill LT. I mean if thats all Erica really had to do was plunge the dagger into LT then why didn�t someone think of a fine way to distract LT while Erica did the deed. Or perhaps...just perhaps Erica could be used as a decoy and a person can stab LT from behind...oh hell with that sh*t too.
On the bright side Lady Terminator does have a decent amount of bang up action. Nothing really too original (go figure) but still the flick maintains to keep one�s attention. Without a doubt Lady Terminator was a film desperate to recreate The Terminator.
So perhaps the question one should be most concerned about is why did it take a killer vagina to do it? In all honesty that was a bit of a desperate reach for a plot don�t you think? That and it made no sense why all of a sudden the film virtually drops that angle for a gun happy chick.
To put it in perspective, it would be like The Matrix starting off with Neo discovering One Eyed Willie's treasure map in his father's attic. Make sense...no...good, because the whole vagina angle didn't make sense in this movie either.
1.) High In Protein - Several dude's main veins are bitten off by the South Sea Queen in one of the most intense cases of penis envy ever to be documented on film.
1.) Lady Terminator/South Sea Queen - A woman who likes to bite off peckers with a hidden vagina eel. She wouldn't catch me because 3 seconds isn't enough time for an eel to make it's move.
