RELEASE DATE: 1978
RATED: PG
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider - 3/23/2008
Our film begins with a green skinned teenage looking fellow running from a spaceship. Why is he green skinned? I believe it has something to do with the film�s title subject. Either that or he has the last name �Banner�. Anyhow, attached to his arm is a rather lame looking gun which will be the center of the film�s attention. How to describe the gun�hmmm�.its rather cumbersome and made of plastic. However this baby somehow has the fire power to take out city blocks.
Anyhow, the spaceship lands and a few stop motion aliens proceed to exit. They successfully take out the kid and leave him a pile of soot. Its apparent they are after this kid for a reason, that being the gun on his hand. Also, a certain necklace the kid wore around his neck. Do they go the extra mile and destroy it preventing future disasters? Nope�they simply board their ship and call it a day. Automatically, without even speaking a lick of English, we can assume these aliens are incompetent morons.
Cut to our�um�hero Billy who is just rolling out of slumber. One can assume Billy is a bad ass rocker due to the Led Zep poster on his wall. What a wrong assumption that�s about to be. Billy discovers that his mom is sneaking out of their house early in the morning. When Billy confronts her, we find out she is heading out to Mexico. In his assumable teenage years, you figure this would be every boy�s wet dream come true. No mother=parties, drugs and a whole lot of one on one action with the neighbor�s daughter. Billy simply sulks and acts sad. Indeed it becomes apparent at this early point that this kid is a total gimp. Especially if his own mother has to sneak out on him.
Billy hops into his van shirtless and takes off. I should point out now that for the rest of the movie Billy has problems, A.) Keeping his shirt on and B.) Buttoning up his shirt properly. It all gets too challenging on the eyes after awhile. Anyhow, Billy drives along while listening to a rather awful pseudo rock track. I should note that Billy for whatever reason has what seems to be Bigfoot tracks painted on his van. Maybe he thinks chicks dig that sort of thing.
His first stop is his girlfriend Kathy�s house. He is greeted by her senile grandfather and leaves. His day gets worst when pothead deputies Jeep and Ungar pull him over. After this Billy meets up with two of his main adversaries Chuck and Froggy. These two I couldn�t really figure out. You see, Chuck is a big time muscle head and Froggy looks like he belongs in Lambda Lambda Lambda. Matter of fact he is played by the same guy who played Eugene in Grease. Ask yourself if that guy could f*ck with you. Well believe it or not he does mess with Billy who shucks the two off for now.
Billy moves on to a drive in the desert. In the land of convenient-ville, Billy throws an soda bottle out of his window which lands next to the laser cannon from the opening scene. It gets obliterated and this prompts Billy to go out and investigate. He picks up the gun and starts acting like a two year old on Christmas morning. Actually, a two year old would have acted a bit more maturely in this situation. Billy proceeds to find the necklace and continues to blows crap up.
Meanwhile across town a mysterious guy shows up. Who is he you may ask, the mysterious Mr. Craig. Automatically, we know he�s a serious individual because of his black car, three piece suit and briefcase. Oooooooh, the suspense in this film is killing me. A scene later Billy meets up with Kathy somewhere and the two carry on an annoying conversation. Kathy notes a strange mark on Billy�s chest from the necklace.
Ok�so maybe he didn�t say those things exactly but it sure sounded like it from his alien tone. Back to Mr. Craig who is moseying around the desert. He apparently read the script and knew where to go to find the laser�s old location. He later ends up ordering local police around in his mission to�um�well I don�t think its ever officially explained.
Anyhow , the film switches to Billy and Kathy hanging out at their friend Franny�s party. Nothing much of anything happens at the pool party other than Chuck attempting a little of the old �in-out� on Kathy. Billy saves her just in time but gets his ass handed to him. However, later that evening he proceeds to blow up Chuck�s ride. I should note that Billy when wielding the gun/necklace comb turns green and oddly acts more retarded than he normally does.
The next day, Billy heads off to the doctor to get the rather large rash on his chest checked out. Who other than Roddy McDowell should show up in a cameo as the doctor. The cameo proves to be a complete and utter waste of the actor�s talents. He biopsies a steel looking thing off Billy�s chest and proceeds to get blown up on the way to the pathologist by Billy himself.
Mr. Craig investigates the crash scene and finds the pathology which he has analyzed. As most of the audience realizes at this point, the specimen is not of this earth. Back to Billy who is accosted once again by the Sheriff�s department. Mr. Craig however questions him about his activities which Billy pleads the 5th on. Craig lets him go and Billy later meets up with Kathy. After a brief and rather poorly shot (probably a good thing too) love scene, Kathy puts Billy�s necklace on him which causes him to go green. Not the recycling earth friendly green either. Kathy freaks and later gets questioned by Mr. Craig and taken into pseudo custody.
Meanwhile, Billy decides to go on a rampage. He starts by taking out Ungar and Jeep at a gas station. Then the film switches to perhaps it�s most idiotic moment. Billy heads out into the desert once again and finds himself under assault via air from a one passenger plane. The passenger opens fire from the air on Billy with a machine gun. Now I couldn�t figure out two things about this scene;
1.) Who the hell these guy were.
2.) Why they would pick a one passenger plane to fire at one person in the desert.
Anyhow, before we get any answers, Billy blows their plane to hell. He then turns his attention to Chuck and Froggy who are in a new set of wheels. He shoots them up in a slow motion scene which never seems to end.
Billy ends up taking the van into a city and blowing up everything in sight. Mailboxes, cars, newspaper stand and tons of other stuff get exploded in slow motion. Craig arrives with Kathy and Billy stops for just a moment. Out of nowhere a bright light consumes him and it turns out the aliens are firing it. Billy falls as the aliens speed their double parked spaceship out of sight. Kathy runs to Billy�s body and is rather perturbed thus ending the movie.
Where The Day Time Ended served as an overexposure to special effects, this film served as an overexposure of pyrotechnics. Its as almost if they decided to base a movie around a few stop motion aliens and crap exploding. Perhaps they figured after the fact we need something resembling a plot . Why not do an ugly duckling angle where the protagonist is a loser looking for acceptance.
Which brings me to this, I found Billy to be horribly unlikable as a character and I honestly didn�t feel like cheering for him in the long run. By the end of the film his presence gets a little irritating to be honest. Of course, the film throws in a few �that guy� actors like Roddy McDowell, Ron Masak, Keenan Wynn to try to distract us from the awfulness.
Full Moon films constantly prove to be a love/hate dilemma for yours truly. On one side, no one can argue their impact on our counter film culture. However its sad how some of their really good stuff gets outshined by the crap they�ve produced. Whatever the case, Laserblast simply comes off as a ho-hum sci-fi epic with no real sense of danger or excitement. Its another reason why people shudder when they see �Produced By Charles Band�.
Speaking of Mr. Band, several of my fellow B-Movie sufferers would like to share some more of Full Moon�s epic (or lack thereof) adventures. Its indeed a full moon out there folks, click on the banner below to see why.
