TITLE: Jason And The Argonauts

RELEASE DATE: 1963

RATED: G

REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
THE PLOT: I often marvel at the extreme names in mythology.  Theres Achilles, Odysseus, Perseus, and Jason. Hmmm...Jason...not too exciting of a name is it?  When one hears that name they think of a guy in a hockey mask at Camp Crystal Lake.  Oh well...at least he was on the receiving end of another good yarn by those B-Plot loving Greeks. 

The film opens up with a prophet telling this dude Pelias that we will conquer the kingdom of Thessaly thus taking over for a King Aristo in the process.  He also mentions although he has this blessing from Zeus, he will loose it to one of Aristo's children when Zeus commands.  There is also mention of a tree on the edge of the world that houses a golden fleece.  If one could get this fleece, power and peace will prosper in their land.  Nothing like 40 years of foresight to f*ck up your day is there? 

Pelias rushes in to town and makes a mess of things quick.  After killing off one of Jason's sisters in Hera's shrine, Pelias is told by a mysterious woman that a one sandaled man will take the kingdom back one day.  That man would be Jason, son of Aristo who made it out of the city.  The woman is Hera queen of the gods.

She heads back to Mount Olympus where Zeus is watching this on his plasma televisi...um...mini swimming pool. I always thought Mount Olympus would be a great place to hang out.  You sit around bullsh*tting about people on earth while f*cking with them constantly.  What and awesome gig...remind me to fill out an application if there is an open position some day.  Anyhow Zeus, being the fun loving god he is, agrees to allow Hera help Jason overthrow Pelias down the road.  Stipulation; Hera can only help him five times and Jason has to request the help. Battle lines set;  lets get it on godammit. 

20 years later, Hera f*cks with Pelias throwing him into a river almost drowning him.  A young man comes out of nowhere to save him and guess what; the guy loses one of his sandals in the river.  Yes this is a fully grown Jason who is off to the palace to confront Pelias.  However Pelias doesn't clue him in that he is in fact the man Jason is off to find. 
Bing...one Hera life line down. 

He invites him back to camp for food, drink, and an ancient Greek amateur night.  After all this, Jason tells Pelias of the golden fleece and his plan to get it.  Pelias hatches a plan and tells Jason to build a ship, assemble a crew, and after he gets the fleece to come back and kill...well...him.  Still without letting on that he is in fact Pelias, he tells his son Acastus to go with Jason on the journey. 

Jason runs in to Pelias's prophet on a hill side.  Turns out the prophet is in fact Hermes, the god of Fed Ex.  He takes Jason in mini form to see the gods on Mount Olympus.  Hera informs him that she is his protector on the voyage and she is limited to helping him five times.  She helps him another time by telling him to search for the fleece in a place called Colchis.
Bing...two Hera life lines down. 

Jason sets forth a bunch of athletic games to find the best of the best for a crew.  He signs up Polydeuces, Castor (who in mythology was supposed to be Poly's twin in Gemini...doesn't look like it in this film but lets not get too technical), Acastus who we already know, Phalerus expert archer, Euphemus, Spyros (no not the purple dragon), Her-ca-lees Her-ca-lees, and wise guy Hylas among others.  A guy named Argus makes them a fine ship complete with a figurehead on the back of the ship in the likeness of Hera.  Jason dubs the ship the Argo and sets out on his journey.  Ladies and gentlemen give up for yoooooour; Argonauts.

The ship, full of half dressed sweaty men, get hit with their first obstacle when they run out of water.  Jason goes to the Hera figurehead for help once again.  She recommends heading north to the Island Of Bronze but to only take food and drink; nothing else.  Yeah like that sh*t will hold up with the Greeks.  Jason instructs his crew of this information and warns of a creature named Talos if they mess up. 
Bing...three Hera life lines down. 

While on the island, Hylas and Her-ca-lees go against everything Jason warned them about when they steal stuff out of a temple.  Cue Talos, a gigantic bronze statue with an attitude.  It virtually wrecks the Argos which leads Jason to ask Hera once again for help.  She instructs him to use his wits and search Talos's ankle.  He does this and finds a valve which he opens spilling Talos's life blood.  Talos falls crushing Hylas in the process. 
Bing?...four Hera life lines down.

The crew rebuild the Argos but Her-ca-lees decides to stay on the island to search for Hylas.  Guess no one saw him turn into a squashed bug.  The crew refuses to sail without Her-ca-lees however Jason changes their mind by going to Hera.  She informs the Argonauts that Hylas is dead and they are to sail to Phrygia to seek out Phineas a blind prophet.  Her-ca-lees is not fated to continue the journey because Zeus has other tasks for him to complete.  You know...meeting up with Danny Devito in a Disney film, taking on the moon men, and transforming into Kevin Sorbo in the mid 1990s.  By the way...
Bing...no more Hera life lines left. 

The crew do just that and find Phineas being f*cked with by the harpies.  Jason sets up a plan to help Phineas with his harpy problem and in return Phineas agrees to tell them the way to Colchis.  They trap the harpies and throw them into a cage much to old Phineas's delight.  He instructs them to take the nearly impossible journey to Colchis through the Clashing Rocks.  Before Jason leaves, Phineas gives him a talisman symbolizing the god of the sea. 

The Argonauts make it to the clashing rocks and witness a ship destroyed by it's power.  Jason chucks the talisman into the ocean in frustration.  Just when it seems all is lost, a huge fellow pops out of the sea (I'm assuming Poseidon) and helps the crew gets through the rocks.  After the crew gets past his armpit (I'm assuming thats one f*ck of a whiff by the way) they find a survivor of the shipwreck.  This just so happens to be Medea of Colchis who immediately falls in love with Jason.  Acastus and Jason have a scuffle on board over the plans to abduct the golden fleece.  Acastus goes overboard and the crew sail on. 

While on Colchis, the Argonauts are welcomed up until their ruler King Aeetes exposes the Argonauts's plan to take the fleece.  He knows this because  Acastus made it to shore before Jason and his crew.  The Argonauts are thrown in jail but are broken out by the love struck Medea.  Jason sends most the crew back to the ship and goes off to find the fleece with the help of a few other crewmen.  When he gets to the fleece he is greeted by the multi-headed Hydra who has Acastus in it's death grip. 

After a long battle of sorts, Jason is able to topple the Hydra and take the fleece.  While on the run, Jason is confronted by King Aeetes who has the teeth of the Hydra in his possession.  He plants them in the ground and wouldn't you know it, an army of skeletons come up from the ground.  Jason, who I imagine was pondering "what would Bruce Campbell do" at this point, and two crew members do their best to fight them off.  Jason makes it off the island alive and sets sail for a happy ending with Medea.  Well actually...in mythology Medea eventually marries him and kills their children...oh and the Argos crushes Jason killing him in the process.  Those are just minor details for now though. 

The film itself was way way way ahead of it's time when it came to special effects.  Thanks to stop motion master and one of the godfathers of special effects Ray Harryhausen, the effects are simply amazing making you wish CGI folks would take a lesson from him.  The film's actors also bring forth a sense of reality to the characters.  Although this flick may not have the same popularity as say Clash Of The Titans, it truly is a treasure among mythology based films.  Unless you are a dork who is going to pull the "that didn't happen in the real story" bullsh*t, this is a must see for any lover of our film counter culture. 
ITS THE INNARDS THAT COUNT (most gruesome/odd moments)
1.)
My Eyes Are Burning - Although the film didn't have a lot of violent deaths, it seemed the oldest man of the Argonauts, Argus, was content on wearing an adult diaper during the whole journey.  Get that man a tunic...now.
YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE (the A-Holes of the film get their moment)
1.)
Talos - This squeaky fellow could have been a lot more threatening.  Alas, it would be thousands of years after the events of this film that the god known as Rustoleum would find the cure to his ailments. 

2.)
Harpies - These squawky, annoying, ugly ladies will do anything to keep Jason and The Argonauts from finding coveted animals skins.  Oddly, thousands of years later their descendants went on to form PETA. 

3.)
Clashing Rocks - Jason and his crew had major problems with land slides from these shifting rocks.  I think it is safe to assume he was somewhere near the California coast line when this happened. 

4.)
Hydra - Screw the golden fleece I say...if I were Jason I would ask how much would it be to mount this multi-headed thing on my wall?

5.)
Children Of The Hydra - Perhaps for next year's crop, they should fertilize these guys more.  They weren't too beefy in this movie. 

6.)
King Aeetes, Pelias, and Acastus - These guys piloted the caesar haircut before there were caesars. 
OVERALL GRADE
Click here to go back to the review page
Hosted by www.Geocities.ws

1