RELEASE DATE: 1960
RATED: Unrated
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Our film begins with spoken and as a crappy bonus thy also include written narration. Oh boy, we're in for a pile of sh*t aren't we? The big voice talks of a time long ago where certain gods determine the destiny of men. Such as the God Of Vengeance, God Of Wind, God Of Hostess Snack Cakes, etc. Among men, one stood no greater than Goliath who the gods favored and basically determined him to be immortal to any unnatural death.
You know what that means, we need an arch enemy for said hero that doesn't get the whole "he can't die because the gods say so" angle. We learn of King Eurystheus who has stolen a valuable blood diamond from the temple of the God Of Vengeance. Eurystheus is played by long time film journeyman Broderick Crawford who sports a scar across his face in the movie. Why, well the whole scar=evil thing is a moronic film rule written long ago for some reason.
Goliath is off to find the blood diamond, somehow scaling down a huge cavern defying all laws of physics on the way. When he gets to the bottom, he faces the first of the beasts of a fake looking nature, a three headed dog. Cerberus you might be saying now, no. More like his retarded cousin they keep in the closet during the early years. Anyhow, the fire breathing dog is taken out quite easily by Goliath who's fighting method consists mainly of sporadic dagger swipes.
Meanwhile, Eurystheus and his main henchman Tindaro are planning out the night's events. Apparently Eurystheus is inviting all his buddies over to announce his plans of destroying Goliath and his home town of Thebes. He thinks that his pet dragon will take care of Goliath during his trek to get back the blood diamond. Well unfortunately for him, Goliath sneaks by the dragon and battles the second of the beasts of a fake looking nature, a rather large bat. Goliath snatches the diamond and calls it a night.
Meanwhile, Goliath's brother Illeus goes to visit his main squeeze Thea in Eurystheus's castle. Apparently he really likes the girl but Goliath has forbid him to see her. Why, well her mom was prettier than Goliath's mom. Actually her parents were responsible for Goliath's parents death. Anyhow, its just a bad relationship that will cause even worse things later in the movie.
Side note on Illeus, he is pretty much the character opposite of Goliath always pouting and stomping his feet. I'm assuming the postman was around the house a lot more around the time of Illeus's conception. Long story short, Illeus is captured by Eurystheus and thrown in the dungeon to wait for a morning execution.
Tindaro starts the wheel moving on a plan to beat Goliath in his own home. He has Alcinoe visit Illeus in the dungeon to set him free. She plants a seed in his head that Goliath wants Thea and it is his job to give him a potion to restore his sensibility. I'm not sure where one purchases such a potion but I'm sure it was an early form of mood enhancer. In all reality, part of the plan is to actually give Illeus poison unbeknownst to him. Illeus starts the trek out of the dungeon home
Goliath heads home and returns the blood diamond to the temple of the Vengeance God. The god appears in R2D2 vision telling Goliath thank you in so many words and that he may live in peace with his family. Seeing we need a plot line to fill an hour or so, you sure as hell know that this won�t happen.
Goliath meets up with an old buddy of his named Antonius. Antonius rides in a chariot and for some odd reason always has a midget with a tunic on board. Then again, if I needed to pimp my chariot, I�d pick a midget in a tunic also as a cosmetic add on. Anyhow, Goliath gets a lift to his house where his wife Dejanira has been working hard for a big welcome home bash. All are happy to see Goliath except Illeus who frowns and whines at the sight of his brother.
Goliath heads off for some manly time alone with his wife and finds out through her that Illeus is in love with Thea. Well Goliath doesn�t take kindly to this and storms out. Meanwhile, Eurytheus chats it up with Tindaro and Alcinoe about how post Goliath Thebes shall be handled. Basically, Eurytheus is to marry Alcinoe in lieu for her giving Illeus the potion to kill Goliath. However, Eurytheus and Tindaro plan different crap behind her back blah blah blah. I won�t bore you with these scheming sub plots because none of them ever play out anyhow.
The next day Alcinoe heads out towards Thebes to complete her end of the bargain. However before she can do this she is attacked by another one of the beasts of a fake looking nature, this time a bear that looks like a taxidermy piece. Well luckily for her Goliath is near by and makes quick work of the bear. Alcinoe immediately falls for Goliath but still plants a potion anyhow. However she returns to Eurytheus�s castle a better person from it all.
Thea and Alcinoe, who are found out to be scheming against Eurytheus, get caught by him and are thrown into the dungeon. Meanwhile, Illeus starts to run away to Thea at Goliath�s big welcome back bash. Goliath teaches Illeus a lesson by tying him to a tree. Ah those fond things like tough brotherly love. Anyhow, Illeus begs Goliath to let him free and he joins up with the party again. This time however, he spikes Goliath�s drink not knowing it is poison.
Meanwhile, back in the dungeon, Thea prays to the wind god to deliver a message to Illeus about dumping the drink. This is after she finds out from Alcinoe that the potion is poison. The wind god carries the pre-cell phone text message to Illeus who doesn�t seem to grasp the whole idea of �dump the drink�. Finally after what seems like hours, he knocks the drink out of his brother�s hands thus proving he isn�t complete tool after all.
Actually cancel that last statement about Illeus not being a tool. The next day he ends up riding out to Thea only to get captured and put in the dungeon as well. Of course big brother has to gallop out to save his stupid ass once again. Meanwhile, Eurytheus plans the execution of Illeus and two of his inept guards by tying them to a giant �x�. I think it would have been funny if they stood all three of them up at once if you know what I mean. Anyhow, the guards go first when they are, get this, crushed by an elephant. I got to admit that Eurytheus has some sadistic style. However Goliath arrives in time to rescue Illeus. What a let down that was.
Goliath vows to un-pussy whip young Illeus by asking the Vengeance God for help. The God replies with a half assed prophecy that Illeus is fated to be with Thea and the woman who loves Goliath shall die. Remember that because it will make a little sense later believe it or not. Goliath, devastated that his wife will be put out to pasture, vows to undo the prophecy. He ties up Illeus again and destroys his home thus leaving Thebes in the hopes of a new life/home.
Anyhow, the centaur is wounded by Goliath and somehow ends up bleeding to death on Eurytheus�s front lawn. Eurytheus takes Dejanira to his already well stocked dungeon. He also somewhere in between all the BS finds time to convince Thea to marry him. He does this with a hole in the dungeon�s floor which is loaded with several snakes. All of them looking quite unthreatening but Thea gives in after watching Alcinoe almost eaten alive.
So with his woman gone, his brother an all out sissy and who knows what else, Goliath wages war on the gods. He desecrates the temple of the Vengeance God who eventually appears saying �ok, that�s enough big boy� in so many words. She gives him the clue to a secret cave opening which will lead to Eurytheus�s castle. He heads off and enters the cave to find his wife tied to a rock. Cue up the last battle of the beasts of a fake looking nature battles. This time the title creature arrives a little too late in the film to be of interest.
The battle commences and the film ridiculously uses some stop motion stuff mixed with an artificial dragon head that looks like it came out of a carnival ride somewhere. The battle wraps up with Goliath popping one of the dragon�s eyes out which in a bad bit of continuity reappears on the dragons head when it falls. Goliath realizes that Dejanira had been abducted during his big battle and he summons Antonius and his men to ride with him to take down Eurytheus once and for all.
Goliath arrives to find his wife in the clutches of the evil ruler. He begs for Eurytheus to release his wife and out of nowhere, Alcinoe decides to get involved thus throwing herself and Eurytheus into the pit of snakes. Goliath hauls her out and with her dying breath, Alcinoe confesses her love for him.
Oh so that�s how it works by god prophecies eh? If you recall several paragraphs ago that Goliath would lose the woman who loves him. Since Alcinoe had a crush on him, that meant he still gets his wife in an alive state at the end. This kind of bothered me for all the right reasons. Does that mean his wife didn�t love him? The guy goes through all that trouble to rescue her and the only woman that loved him was a chick he met in the forest one day. If I were Goliath I would have chucked everyone into the snake pit at that point. Anyhow the movie wraps up on this note and everyone living happily ever after.
Goliath And The Dragon is filled with honky tonk effects and silly dialog. It is however not as bad as some of the sword and sandal films that have been released in the past. The man who plays Goliath (Mark Forest) is a well cut guy who fit the role nicely and all the ladies in the film are quite attractive as well.
GATD is one of those films you can pop in from time to time for a good laugh. After all, where else can you see a centaur with a mullet?
Not a lot to report here except Goliath's abuse of muppet rejects...
