RELEASE DATE: 1959
RATED: Approved In Usa
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Our reptilian tale begins with an announcer talking about places in the west that have uncharted territory and giant gila monsters that live within. Two young lovers pull in to a make out spot to be greeted by one such creature. A giant hand of a gila monster (manually pressed into the camera lens by the special effects crew) knocks their car down a hill.
After a long set of credits, we get introduced to the hot spot in town, Spook's diner. It actually looked like someone's kitchen made to look like a diner. The kids are having a great time and immediately we get introduced to main players Chase the auto body mechanic and his chick Lisa who gives a performance more wooden than a statue in front of a cigar shop. She has a thick accent which makes matters oh so much more worse. Shortly thereafter, town alchy Old Man Harris shows up. Chase BS's with him about buying his car and the two crack jokes back and forth. I should say now everything everyone says in this scene is supposedly funny. For example; "Buying a car son is just like getting married or going to New York City...everybody ought to do it once but nobody ought to do it twice." Maybe I just don't get western humor.
Chase tells Spook that when Pat and Liz arrive, to tell them they went to the drive in. They also mention a party that is going to be happening at the garage. Pat and Liz are actually the two youngins that got bumped off in the beginning. Matter of fact, Pat's father Mr. Wheeler checks in with Sheriff Jeff about his son. Its apparent Mr. Wheeler is an old codger with a bad attitude. They two talk about Pat and Liz possibly eloping and the Sheriff heads out to talk to Chase about Pat and Liz.
Chase doesn't know much about Pat and Liz so Sheriff checks in with the much more humble parents of Liz who know jack sh*t as well. Meanwhile, hours later back at the body shop, garage owner Mr. Compton (as in the city) arrives to talk to Chase. The two talk about nitroglycerin that Compton hauled in. It is apparently destructive...gee I wonder if all this info is going to matter later...hmmmmmm.
Chase finds out about a wreck a few miles out of town and heads out. When he gets there, he meets up with the Sheriff. The two comment on how the skid marks looks like something knocked it off the road. Then we get a boring good guy story about how Chase bought his crippled sister some braces so she can walk. After the two leave we get a good glimpse of the giant gila monster wondering around looking pretty non-threatening. Looks apparently are deceiving and the monster scoops up a hitchhiker.
After the massacre scene, we catch up with Chase who is speeding home at night. Well for a second it is day time while he's driving but its night otherwise. He spots the suitcase of the hitchhiker on the side of the road. The sheriff shows up again. I had to wonder if he had an attraction to Chase seeing he was everywhere Chase was. Speaking of attractions, Chase later catches up with his squeeze Lisa who we find out is being housed by Mr. Wheeler. Mr. Wheeler doesn't approve of their relationship...blah blah blah.
The next day Chase comes across a fellow who is a few cans short of a six pack. The dude crashes into a ditch on the side of the road. Chase hauls his drunk ass in and fixes his car. The guy pays him a good amount and gives him his card. He is the one and only Steamroller Smith the disc jockey. Who the f*ck is that you ask... beats me. Must be the Wolfman Jack of crappy movies.
Sheriff checks in with Chase the next day once again. Wheeler is putting a lot of pressure on the Sheriff to find his son. Fearing Wheeler's big pimp hand, he enlists Chase and his friend's help to find Pat and Liz. Why don't you just make him your deputy for f*cks sake?
So Chase, Lisa and some of his buddies go out to find Pat and Liz. They get stalked by the monster who once again is just hanging out acting like a lizard. Aka...staring...sticking its tongue out...moving every 5 minutes...what f*cking terror indeed. Anyhow, his buddies find the car and they haul it out under the monster's watchful eye. They haul up the car and bring it back to the garage.
At night, Compton gets attack by the monster and his truck blows up leaving the monster a nice cooked treat. Meanwhile, Chase heads home sweet home to find his sister walking on braces. Apparently Lisa taught her how to walk in them. Awwwwww...how cute. We need a song...take it away Chase;
"And the lord said laugh children laugh...the lord said laugh laugh laugh..." (repeat chorus 85x)
I'm not laughing...rather wincing in pain after this. I should say now whether it be real life or in movies, I've always felt ashamed for a person breaking into song. I don't know why...maybe because most of the people I've seen do it suck. Well anyhow, back to the carnage at hand. Chase gets a call about Mr. Compton's accident and bolts out.
He drives over to the site with Sheriff and Old Man Harris. The three look around and can't find Compton's body. The Sheriff tells Chase that livestock are going missing as much as people. That and the skid marks match that of the other crash. After this, Chase catches up with a few of his buddies who hear Smith on the air talking about a party being held at the garage. Turns out the Steamroller is heading out to the event.
Across town the monster knocks down a train track which causes a lionel train to crash. Its a bit of a cute scene actually. All of this happens under Old Man Harris's watchful eye who sees the monster. He reports this to the Sheriff who finds it hard to believe because of Harris's drunken reputation.
Over at Chase's place, he agrees to take his sister to someone's house for the evening. Before he leaves he gets a call from the Sheriff to bring him a book on reptiles. At the Sheriff's office, we get an explanation in to why the monster exists. Turns out it has something to do with glands or plants with certain minerals that cause growth. Oh who gives a sh*t. The thing is big for some reason. The two put their heads together and realize that the monster is what is causing the destruction. Chase heads out to the hop and quickly introduces the one...the thank god only...Steamroller. Everyone starts to white person boogie the night away.
Mr. Wheeler shows up to the Sheriff's office to complain about the investigation and Chase. They also talk about the rumors of the giant gila monster. Wheeler wraps things up by demanding Sheriff arrests Chase for messing around with the crash evidence.
Meanwhile back at the hop, Steamroller whips out a record with a mystery singer. No one knows who it is but they dig it. Turns out Chase is the singer. Hey a guy who can hardly act and sing. Would that make him the first J-Lo of movies? Unfortunately this gives way to the "laugh children laugh" song again. For lyrics, scroll back a few paragraphs.
Apparently, the monster likes his singing and heads to the hop. Also showing up is the Sheriff with Wheeler. Out of nowhere the monster pokes his little nose through the barn which panics everyone. The Sheriff tries to put a few shotgun holes in him which does little except scare him off.
Chase, remembering he talked in great detail earlier in the movie about the nitroglycerin heads off with Lisa to get it at the garage. The cans are marked XXX which I guess means they are deadly. Either that or there is porn in the cans. I should say now that the day to night, night to day continuity in these scenes are atrocious. On the way back, he sees the house his sister was staying torn apart by the monster. They run into the family and his sister much further up the road. Chase tells Lisa to protect his sister as he drives off to confront the monster.
All of this ends when Chase improvises his car as a moving nitroglycerin bomb. He jumps out of the car which explodes once it hits the monster. Thus this brings the end which sees Wheeler becoming a better person and Chase as a hero. As for the Sheriff...incompetent as ever.
Yeah this may sound like the worst monster film ever but its really not. The effects were simple but detailed enough to look believable. However I found the monster more cute than terrifying. Of corse it was a normal sized gila monster they used for the shots. The best thing is the way they had the monster kill off the people. It goes, shot of monster...person screaming...crash...another shot of monster for everything. This film is definitely one to "laugh children laugh" at whenever it is viewed.
Much of the violence was emulated so not much to cover here...between Chase's singing and Lisa's acting I couldn't really concentrate anyhow...
1.) The Giant Gila Monster - I like this little fellow. Anybody have a design for an 80 foot aquarium with an 800 watt heat lamp?
