RELEASE DATE: 1981
RATED: PG
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Our film begins by informing us that a few hot air balloonists have crashed while soaring over the ocean. I won't pretend to know much about ballooning but if I was traveling somewhere in the middle of a gusty ocean, I could think of much better devices for transportation.
The four guys and their dog (Paul, Mark, Curtis, & Dino) find themselves on a presumably deserted island. The guys, who seem to be more full of hot air than their balloon, prance around pretty much non-concerned that they're in the middle of uncharted territory with no tools, maps or help for that matter...idiots.
They go through a cave, which leads to another part of the island. While in the cave they see an image of an old man. Does it make sense now...no. Will it make sense later...um... actually...no...it will make a lot less sense. Trust me on this one, you'll see why later.
Anyhow the guys stumble upon a girl tied up to a tree. How kinky. Lead moron Curtis makes mention of some location other than the island and a huge pain goes into his arm. Unfortunately it's not a stroke killing him but rather a bit of plot stupidity to explained half assed later. A bunch of camouflage binki clad girls arrive and take interest in the guys. Apparently man selection is slim on the island. The guys get invited back to the girl's camp.
Once there, they are treated to a bongo-beating dance from the girls. I should make mention several of the girls are wearing plastic flip-flops. Also, there are several skulls around that look obviously rubber. I'm surprised the plot department didn't thank K-Mart in the credits for their "special" effects.
Sigh...moving on. Everyday camp life (aka girls taking what appears to be bong hits out of the rubber skulls) gets interrupted one day when a guy in a ski hat hauls one of the girls off. The guys, trying to be as manly as possible, make pursuit and catch up to the abductor. This is when we meet quite possibly the most annoying character in the movie, Jocko.
Jocko, who hangs out with an old codger for most of the film, laughs at everything for no apparent reason. He kind of reminded me of certain elderly folk I've known in the past. I mean everything is a laughing matter to this guy. "Hey Jocko, your mother sells welts in hell"...response, "HA HA HA". "Hey Jocko, your penis is the size of a tick's"...response "HA HA HA". I think you get the point. He is a friggin' annoyance.
Anyhow, we find out that they work for someone on the other side of the island. Who is this you may ask, well several scenes later Jocko invites the guys up to their home. The guys, who oddly don't like the idea of spending all day with bikini clad women serving to their every command, agree to go.
When they get there, Jocko informs them to wait outside for an invite into the house. Um ok...they get served food and notice Jocko delivering food to a nearby shack. They find out a fellow by the name of Jayson is living there behind bars. Jayson proves to be the embodiment of just about any insane, drunken sailor stereotype. He spouts out stories about how he was washed ashore, lost his wife in a wreck and now proves to be some kind of blood host. I say add in a pickup truck, a dog and a bottle of whisky and he could easily have become a country western singer.
So apparently there is an abundance of retardation in the plot. Grab on to something because things are going to become lethally retarded soon. The guys get invited into the house after Jayson gets popped with meds. There they meet Sheila who is the head mistress in the house.
Now get this, Sheila is a distant relative (more distant than his granddaughter who hung with Jesse James) of Dr. Frankenstein. Oh Christ, but theres more�a lot more. You see, Sheila�s bed ridden husband is the psychic embodiment for Dr. Frankenstein. Guess who this fellow is; Dr. von Helsing. No, not Van Helsing but �von� Helsing. Great going with the highly original names script department.
The guys, who apparently weren�t as shocked as I was with this plot stupidity, poke around the lab, which contains a brain attached to a wire among other things. Found it a bit odd that Sheila would let them see such exclusive equipment seeing they just met. Apparently this pays off because Doc Paul takes a quick interest in the whole project.
I guess the goal, if there would be any, is to restore Sheila�s husband to a non-bed ridden state. I guess the whole channeling Frankenstein ghost thing has made him a little too pooped to party or something. As Paul takes up his quack practice, the other guys wonder aimlessly throughout camp. Curtis actually takes part in a wrasslin� match with the zombie guards. Somehow he gets his ass handed to him a few times.
Several minutes that seem like hours into the plot later, the boys realize there is something rotten in Denmark�or wherever island they�re on. All the while through this nonsense, the film switches back and forth between the tribe and Sheila�s house. Here's where I have to stop to examine something.
Dr. von Helsing is able to summon the ghost of Frankenstein�ok checkmark there. However, and the script never really explains this, the girls seems to have no problem dialing up old Franky�s ghost on the afterlife line either. They do this through some ritual involving mirrors and bongos.
Oh but it doesn�t stop there sports fans. The zombie guards do this as well by tying up one of their own and waving circles of what seems to be a plastic pitchfork (once again, another triumph from the prop department) over the victim�s head. I must move on�I must move on�
The 3 guys notice a change in Doc and quickly start to worry about their life partner. They plot their escape by building a raft with the help of the girls. Meanwhile on the other side of the island, Doc finds out other mostly unimportant plot facts. Such as Dr. von Helsing is in desperate need of a permanent blood fix for his several hundred year old body, Jayson is the source of temporary blood, the girls are part alien, Frankenstein�s monster is chained to the bottom of a reef off the island, this movie sucks, etc etc etc.
So with all this said, the 3 guys storm Sheila�s place one evening to talk some sense into Doc. Curtis picks up a huge artillery gun from the mansion. Guess they have those lying around or something. He runs into the lab with his buddies and hold Doc/Sheila at gunpoint. Sheila throws a few buttons, which causes shockwaves. This somehow snaps some sense into Doc and revives the Monster from the reef.
The monster, looking like a 1970s Halloween make up kit model, makes it to Sheila�s house and all hell breaks loose. People battle away in a sloppy scene and the guys all eventually make their escape. This gives way to the guys talking to some higher ups in the military. They devise a plan to invade the island only to find that there is nothing there...gasp. The guys all scratch their heads but realize what they went through was in fact real. Why, well their dog shows up wearing a necklace from the tribe. Glad they tied all that together�um yeah.
This film probably could have made more of a lasting impression if in fact a little more skin was involved. The girls never bust out of their bikinis thus causing little to no distraction for everything else horrid in the flick. Not that I'm complaining about that or anything because it made my job easier.
Frankenstein Island is an odd mix of themes that just don't come together. Not sure if I used this analogy in the past but think of it as a really bad casserole. A bunch of garbage thrown together in the hope it comes out superb. Rather, it ends up being a festering dish that pollutes your house (or in this case your mind) with the putrid smells.
Pretty tame here...although I should add that Dino's neck scarf was rather distracting...
1.) Jocko - This guy walks around and laughs at pretty much nothing of humor. Probably would be a good live studio audience member for shows like Full House.
2.) Sheila - The distant relative of the Dr. Frankenstein whose only brainpower comes from the one behind glass in her lab.
3.) The Monster/Henchmen - These guys were probably paid less than the makeup they wore, which to me is beyond saddening.
