TITLE: Evilspeak

RELEASE DATE
:  1981

RATED: R

REVIEWED BY
:  The DarkSider
THE PLOT: In the vast wasteland of 80s theater, its funny how some plots took different forks in the road.  For example, take a film about a teen loser who gets picked on by his peers to the point of him crying himself to sleep at night.

Many films decided to go the cotton candy route featuring the loser getting a heavy-duty make over thus becoming popular.  The stipulation was always the same; said loser gets too big for his britches and learns a valuable lesson in the end.  Its all about what is inside that counts and everyone can get along in the end.

Well to hell with that Corey Haim sh*t I say...its always more entertaining when the loser fights back with Satanism and the occult.  Carrie laid a path down in the 70s and Evilspeak took up the same path bravely in the late 80s.

The film starts off with a fellow named Esteban who gets banished by the religious right for being a naughty satanic boy.  Richard Moll, who later dropped the whole satanic thing and became a bailiff in Harry Anderson's court, plays Esteban.

Well after lopping a head off of a nubile virgin (once again, I'm amazed people had nothing else better to do with young chicks back in the day) the film segues rather nicely into a soccer game at a Military School.  This is when we meet our ill-fated loser Stanley Coopersmith.  Ron Howard's favorite bit part player and MTV Movie Award's Lifetime Achievement winner Clint Howard plays Coopersmith.  Amazingly this is one of few roles where he has a hairline.

After blowing the game, his teammates and coach scold him for his mess up.  The leader of the antagonists is a fellow named Bubba.  Many of you may recognize the guy who plays Bubba as Don Stark from That 70s Show.  As Bubba and his cronies continue to pick on Coopersmith, only one person sticks up for him and thats Kowalski.  Oddly, he is one of few Polish African Americans that I know of.

Well as fate would have it, our um...hero of the film finds himself on "cleaning out the church basement" detail.  I should mention that in the church theres a picture of Esteban which I couldn't figure out.  I mean the guy was a Satanist heretic, why is he hanging on the wall next to Jesus and the Apostles.

Anyhow, while his drunken supervisor Sarge sleeps, Coopersmith finds the remedy to his bully problems in the basement.  That would Esteban's book of evil which Coopersmith takes for some light reading.  However the next day he is set up by Bubba and the boys to arrive late to class.  The professor sends him to see Colonel Kincaid who is the big enchilada on campus.

After class, Coopersmith goes to the local super computer (snicker) and begins to translate the word of Esteban.  When he receives a "good god man get a hold of yourself" speech from Colonel, he accidently leaves Esteban's book in the hands of school secretary Ms. Friedemeyer, who I'm sure Colonel Kincaid hired for her mind.

Filling the shallow character with t*ts role, Friedemeyer screws around with the Satanic star on the book which somehow makes pigs on campus attack Coopersmith who is busy feeding them.  Why, well the cows were too busy or something.  While all this goes on, Bubba and the boys destroy a toy catapult that Coopersmith built.

Coopersmith becomes rather upset at this and also realizes Esteban's book is missing.  He confronts Bubba at the local skating rink only to receive no answer.  Coopersmith then heads back to the cellar to perform a Satanic mass with the help of his computer. The computer lays down the ingredients (aka snails, puppy dog tails, Led Zeppelin albums backward, etc) However the computer talks of missing a blood host which the film leaves to be covered later.

At a late dinner, Coopersmith is befriended by the school's chef Jake.  He shows Coopersmith his pet dog that just had puppies.  Coopersmith asks if he can take the weakest of the litter which Chef agrees to reluctantly.  He takes the dog back to his charming Satanic hideout and continues his revenge plotting.

A drunken Sarge finds out about the dog but is quickly off'd by Esteban in computer form.  Now heres where the film mildly lost me.  The computer still needed a blood host after this but I couldn't figure out why Sarge didn't cut it as the blood host.  Maybe it was the BAC level or something.

One night, the school throws a beauty contest where Coopersmith spots a blonde.  While trying to pick her up, he gets pantsed by Bubba and the boys.  A fine Wayne Arnold from the Wonder Years move if I should say so myself.  To make matters worse, the Colonel arrives and kicks Coopersmith off the soccer team.  Oh and Coopersmith's dog gets killed by Bubba.  And you thought your day was going sh*tty.

Having enough of the nonsense, Coopersmith kills off a teacher thus securing a blood host.  Him and Satan become one with The Force thus cuing the movie's climax.  While school reverend Jameson gives a boring Buddy Christ pep talk, Coopersmith rises from the basement with electrified hair.  Coopersmith then proceeds to hack away at his victims with his sword and the pigs arrive one last time to reek havoc.

The film ends dimly enough with Coopersmith going nuts and swearing vengeance on the computer much like Esteban did.

Evilspeak may not be one of the definitive must haves in the B-move genre but it�s a great movie to intake.  Howard's performance, as usual not Oscar winning, truly makes you feel for his character.  The gore flows freely in the end and the aspect of adding computer technology to Satanism was an enlightening move.
IT�S THE INNARDS THAT COUNT (most gruesome/odd moments)
1.)
March Of Pigs - The pigs break in and ravage Ms. Friedemeyer in the shower with ease.  However, if it were my house they attacked I guarantee it would be Luau central the next day...die pig bastards.

2.)
Take A Look Around - Sarge gets off'd when Esteban turns his head around 360.  Linda Blair wouldn't be proud.

3.)
Showtime - After killing his teacher for the Blood Host, Coopersmith rises in the climax at the church and chaos ensues.  He lops off heads, Bubba gets his heart ripped out, the pigs attack again, etc. If church were like this all the time I'd attend more.

4.)
Puppy Love - Bubba kills Coopersmith's dog in a mock ritual.  I had to wonder what Chef Jake was doing with the dogs in the first place.  Ex-Chinese restaurant worker maybe?
YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE (the A-Holes of the film get their moment)
1.)
Esteban - Theres nothing more terrifying than an evil entity that sounds like a game of Yars Revenge on the Atari 2600.

2.)
Bubba and Friends - Before the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" days, young privates spent their time pantsing people and hanging out at roller skating rinks.

3.)
School Administration - All in all they are just bricks in the wall.
HOLY WAR UPDATE (the ongoing battle of good vs. evil heats up again)

Hello Private Dicks, time to get out the ghetto computer and translate today's big match up...

Coopersmith

vs

Reverend Jameson

In a one sided victory, Coopersmith destroys the reverend with one swipe of his blade.  The dark secret in the church cellar wins out on this one.  No, I'm not referring to Reverend Jameson�s collection of Boy's Life magazines either.

The Winnah This Round
The Evil A-Holes
Score After Twelve ReviewsEvil A-Holes 8     Holy Rollers 3   Draw 1
OVERALL GRADE
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