RELEASE DATE: 1986
RATED: Unrated
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Oh and how could I forget my mother�s insatiable case of claustrophobia which made every ride a pain in the ass to go on. The haunted house was the most memorable because they close you into a room and lock the doors.
Well after that psychology session, you can only imagine how overly sh*tty that vacation was. However if there was one thing useful I took from that ill fated childhood vacation, it was the memory of Captain EO.
See kids, back before allegations of child molestation and videos complaining about how police photographed his penis, Michael Jackson was on a roll in the 80s. It was 1986 when director Francis Ford Coppola and producer George Lucas decided he would front a new endeavor. It was to be a huge budgeted 3D masterpiece to be featured in Disney parks everywhere. The 18 minute feature would be accompanied by special effects in a specially designed theater as well. That film was Captain EO.
Who would have guessed years later it would be one of the many films trashed on my site. It took me awhile to dig it up and now I can try to piece together the phenomenon that lasted up until the child molestation allegations in the mid 90s.
The 18 minute or so film begins with spoken narration (once again, another fine example of the narration rule) from one of the big voice over guys who sounds like he smoke 5 packs of cigarettes a day. He informs us of a space crew out to save the universe one planet at a time.
Thus giving freedom to the galaxy.
Christ, you can hear Lucas�s bullsh*t already in the script. Being a huge Star Wars fan, once again the whole �love/hate� relationship is taken to a new level. Basically Captain EO strictly resembles Star Wars minus a few details such as sa... um...plot interest.
Matter of fact, Lucas wastes no time in introducing the obligatory annoying post Return Of The Jedi cutesy creatures. Captain EO�s ship appears and it is loaded with idiotic creatures of all sort. Theres the two headed Idee and Odee, the wife beater wearing elephant guy Hooter, a flying character named Fuzzball, and a robot named Major Domo.
Lets look at those names again. Idee and Odee...following the rule if there are two characters that are attached or look alike their names must be the same way. Hooter...for an elephant...just as long as no one realizes the connection of the word �Hooter� to something else I guess they were safe back then. Major Domo...Styz Mr. Roboto reference maybe? Fuzzball...for a flying fuzzy creature...could the people naming these characters have given a sh*t less?
Now keep in mind before we get too in depth that this film was a 3D endeavor. You know what that means, you need something flying around...Fuzzball...check. You need someone who will throw crap at the screen to scare the audience...Hooter...check. You also need a character with features that stick out like claws or swords...to be covered later.
Anyhow, Captain EO�s ship is Star Trekking across the universe to find a beacon on an uncharted planet. Jackson arrives as Captain EO wearing an extremely tacky white outfit. They get attacked immediately by an unknown ship which they attempt to outrun. I should say that EO�s ship looks like an RV with a sail attached to it. While attempting to escape, a Commander Bog radios in to EO. He gives EO sh*t about engaging in battle. Really no point other than to produce more 3d bullsh*t. Oh and to inform us that Captain EO has a gift for a Queen on a planet.
Anyhow, EO outruns the ship and lands on what seems to be the Death Star. Turns out they land right in front of the beacon they were looking for. What f*cking luck. The crew set out to explore the planet which of course is hostile. A bunch of armed assailants with spears (following the 3D rules from a few paragraphs back) take them all into custody.
Captain EO and his crew get taken to the Queen who is played by the talented Angelica Houston. Not exactly sure why Houston decided this would have been a good career move but none the less, I imagine the paycheck was there. Anyhow, she is outfitted in the form of an H.G. Giger wet dream complete with claws. Once again following the preset rules of 3D nonsense.
Old Queenie is rather upset that Captain EO is there but EO presents her with his...a-hem...gift. EO�s robots spring to life in a rather horrid stop motion scene turning into musical instruments. Hooter almost blows the whole thing when he can�t get his synthesizer to work. I had to wonder if Lucas had a hand in the unoriginality. As some of you recall in ROTJ, Max Rebo was a keyboard playing elephant as well. Hmmm...never got the connection between pachyderms and the 80s electronic music maker but then again I don�t own a huge ranch with my name on it.
So instead of whipping out weapons of mass destruction, EO cues up the rather lousy (for Michael Jackson) dance number We Are Hear To Change The World. The synthesizer line kind of reminded me of the Styx song Too Much Time On My Hands. As for the dancing, imagine the routine from the Thriller video only much more stiff. And they were using zombies in the Thriller video for f*cks sake.
EO dances away and gathers up some back up dancers by blasting the Queen�s henchmen with some sort of energy ray. All goes well until the Queen unleashes her whip wielding warriors...wow say that five times f*cking fast will ya. EO is able to topple them with the help of Fuzzball who ties their whips together.
The whip warriors join up with EO�s dance team but unlike the other thugs don�t turn into back up dancer form. Now imagine if you are a dancer and you get the opportunity to be seen with the likes of MJ in the 80s. However the stipulation is your face won�t be seen in the feature however every other dancer and their brother gets that opportunity to be seen...what a bitch indeed.
Anyhow, the Queen writhes in pain (much like the rest of the viewing audience) at this. EO decides she has to become a bit more on the pretty side and changes her into normal Angelica Houston form. The film wraps up with EO leaving the planet in a much brighter state more than likely heading to save another planet with another lousy dance routine.
In all actuality Jacko grew his hair out, changed his appearance and released another even more embarrassing mini-movie with Wesley Snipes in Bad. But thats another tale for another day.
As mentioned in the beginning of this review, the EO feature was big all up until old MJ came under fire in the media. Not sure if thats exactly the reason why the folks at Disney pulled it. Perhaps people like me just got sick of it. In all due respect, Captain EO gave way to many of the other 3d cinematic features in Disney parks today.
As for my fateful vacation; I think my dad commented on how stupid it was. Hey what can I say, like father like son.
Perhaps the 3D comic book based around this tale would fit this category.
Queen And Her Minions - Too bad she wasn�t the Queen from Alien so EO and his crew can get some face huggers thrown their way.
