RELEASE DATE: 1965
RATED: Unrated
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
The flick begins with some dude messing around with test tubes. He goes over to some chick who is trying her best to stand still in a life sized cabinet with many empty slots. On the way out he knocks down a shelf full of skulls. Instead of yelling "WHO THE F*CK PUT THESE HERE", he simply kicks one of the skulls down the hall.
Well after the credits run over music of the terrifying sort, we get treated to an unpleasant up-skirt shot of a male statue ringing a bell. We join a couple departing after a charming date in Venice. Unbeknownst to them, true terror is near by. A guy in a scuba outfit...NOOOOOO! As the woman walks back home, she is taken captive by the scuba dude.
The press gets a hold of it and the next day people are selling the latest news. "Another girl reported missing, get your news here...The DarkSider wins Man Of The Year...get your news here..." Meanwhile, a reporter named Andrea (believe it or not he's actually a dude) meets with the sheriff about the abductions. Of corse the police follow the B-Movie rules of knowing sh*t and doesn't tell him much. Meanwhile back at the mad lab, a hooded fellow talks to his curio cabinet of females. He babbles on about how they will be with him and will stay beautiful forever. That night he nabs himself another chick. Oh and the next night he gets another one. Hmmm...so there it is, 15 minutes in the film and most of the fodder is gone. Bad way to start...
Meanwhile Andrea is still hot on the trail for a story about the missing chicks. The press sells the story again although the commissioner of police finds the articles outlandish. The next day a group of young phillies come to Venice. Not missing out on some possible young action, Andrea agrees to show them around. Immediately he starts to woo a girl named Maureen in the group. After a brief tour of Venice, the group arrives at the hotel. They meet the staff including Mr. Torre, the hotel owner. Andrea agrees to show the troop around Venice in the morning. I should say now there were dead ringers for Barbara Streisand and Velma from Scooby Doo in the group. I swear I'm not kidding.
Before the tour of Venice, Maureen introduces Andrea to a Professor Swartz and his mother Catherine. The professor is an archeologist studying the increasing water level in Venice. Anyhow, the next day after the tour the girls head off to a hot spot which I'm assuming is part of the hotel. Andrea and the professor join them. During one of the dances the lights go out and the crew put lights around a casket on stage. Out of the casket comes one of the most blatant unintentional Elvis rip offs in movie history. After the show, which was about as annoying as listening to toenails being clipped, one of the girls in the group gets abducted by scuba dude.
The next day, the professor does some investigating in the hotel's cellar for some reason or other. Anyhow, during the next show in the hotel's bar, the Elvis casket act gets interrupted when the professor's dead body shows up in the casket. Meanwhile in the next few days, we find out the hotel is home to some serious peeping toms. There are mirrors, very much like in police movies, where the hotel staff can watch their clients from the other side in secret. Also at night during a gondola ride, another girl gets snagged by the scuba fellow.
So anyhow, seeing this movie is as about as boring to write about as it is to watch, let me wrap things up. Maureen discovers the secret of the hotel mirrors. She goes off to confront Mr. Torre who is not around. Andrea puts two and two together and heads off to explore the canal in a Scuba suit. Maureen discovers a hidden passage in a fireplace. By the way, I hope by now in our time people stop using fireplaces as hidden exits. Its a little over done. Anyhow, she finds the lab where the hooded fellow had been keeping his taxidermy females. She freaks out and runs away from the hooded fellow who we find out has a death mask on.
She runs around like a lunatic until she falls upon a room full of rotted skeletons a la Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Anyhow, it is here that the hooded guy hides and finally ends up killing her. A day late and a buck short later, Andrea shows up to find his piece of ass dead. He gets attacked immediately by the hooded assailant. They punch and grab at each other in one of the worst fights in cinematic history. This eventually leads out to the streets of Venice where we find out the hooded fellow happens to be none other than hotel owner Mr. Torre. Yeah I know, who f*cking cares right? Well he almost chokes out Andrea but the cops arrive to put a few bullets in him. The film ends unhappily with just about everyone dead.
Few things about this film. The macabre is definitely there in some spirit. However, it carried more of a Scooby Doo who done it atmosphere than anything. The only thing is though, Scooby Doo actually moves at a decent pace. As for this film, I found myself fast forwarding through all the so called suspense scenes. Also, the fact that most of the dialog was dubbed made it more funny than Kung Fu/Godzilla films dubbed in English. Its either that or natives of Venice are mostly American.
Don't get me wrong, perhaps if it were done today Embalmer may enjoy a better success rate with new special effects. The concept of some dude running around in a dark cloak/death mask creating taxidermy pieces out of coeds is rather amusing for a film. However, this one turned out to be a major snoozer. Perhaps the most macabre thing about this movie is the fact you'll find it rotting away in some dollar store. Oh the humanity...
1.) What A Show - Archeologist Swartz shows up in a casket on stage with a knife in his chest. He was a boring character anyhow...perhaps if it were Indiana Jones things would have been much different.
1.) Embalmer/Mr. Torre - This fellow utilizes scuba diving to get young females between the ages of 17 and 18. He is basically a combination of R. Kelly and Jaque Cousteau's genes.
