RELEASE DATE: 1987
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Our film begins with the less than charming Bower family traveling on a dirt road um...somewhere. Apparently this is all part of their huge vacation. In the car is little Judy, her pussy whipped father David and her on the rag stepmother Rosemary. Side note, Rosemary is played by Stuart Gordon�s wife. Wonder how she gets her paychecks?
Anyhow on the drive, Rosemary swerves to hit Madonna and Jan Wiedlin of The Go-Gos. Ok maybe they aren�t the 80s icons but more on them later. The weather quickly changes to crap at night through stock footage and the family gets in the obligatory �stuck in the mud� situation with their Rolls Royce (yeah they�re rich). Cue the obligatory house on the hill which the family heads off to check out.
During their walk, we find out that Judy has an overactive imagination when Rosemary throws her Teddy Bear into the woods. She pictures the Teddy Bear eliminating her father/stepmother in a most unpleasant way. Another nice obligatory move, having a kid with an overactive imagination.
Anyhow, the family basically finds their way into the house and are greeted by the house masters Gabriel and Hilary Hartwicke. They are a kind yet mysterious old couple that allow the family to stay for the night. Yes, more obligatory-ness. At dinner, Gabriel tells the family he works in doll making and he gives Judy a Punch doll. Yep, that makes them Punch and Judy but of corse we�ll ignore the fact Punch beats the crap out of Judy throughout the real well know puppet play.
Madonna and Jane Wiedlin stumble into the house with a nice guy named Ralph. The rude and crude girls introduce themselves as Isabel and Enid and both talk like Nigel from Spinal Tap. Anyhow everyone is invited to stay in the old mansion until the storm passes. Finally the obligatory stuff comes full circle.
By the way I apologize for using the term �obligatory� so much in this review. Matter of fact, at the time this film was made, maybe this stuff wasn�t obligatory. However the plot seems to follow the �horror for dummies� guidelines. But lets do a quick checklist of who will more than likely die.
Isabel and Enid-annoying b*tches with really no other attributes...they should go early.
Judy-a kid with an imagination...no chance in hell.
David and Rosemary-evil parents...not right away but will die most unpleasantly for their sins.
Ralph-a nice guy who is a kid at heart...chances are slim he will perish.
So...the fun starts when Isabel tells Enid she is going out into mansion to lift a few antiques. Right away, the dollies around the house come to life and beat the crap out of her. Judy witnesses this and tries to tell her concerns to her father who tells her in so many words to f*ck off. Judy turns to the one other guy who has a chance of surviving the night, Ralph. Oh, now you know he will survive.
Ralph doesn�t buy it at first but then sees red on her slippers. The two head out to investigate and after finding a blood trail, Ralph is bitten by something and falls down the stairs. The two go off to tell the others who set up Ralph as the bad guy. No one buys into Judy�s killer doll notion and when David tries to discipline her, she runs away. After the mini-meeting, Ralph meets up with Gabriel who claims the red was a paint spill. Following the guidelines of idiocy, Ralph buys into it.
Meanwhile, Enid sets out on her own to look for Isabel and during this, Rosemary gets taken out. Back to Enid who finds Isabel who isn�t looking quite well. I�d describe it as a human to doll puberty stage. Shortly thereafter, the dolls take care of Enid as well.
David gets back to find Rosemary covered up in the bed not exactly doing well. He immediately assumes its Ralph who killed her and heads out for revenge. Meanwhile, Ralph hooks up with Judy and end up in a huge room with dolls. Ralph panics and crushes a few dolls and the rest start to attack him. Judy yells at the dolls to leave him alone and the dolls have an executive meeting on Ralph�s fate. They all decide he is truly a kid at heart and let him live. Gee that was easy.
The two get out of the room and are greeted by David who is out for Ralph�s blood. David gets the upper hand but the Punch doll comes alive to battle David. As they battle, a knocked out Ralph and Judy are dragged off by something. David destroys Punch and comes face to face with the Hartwickes. Turns out they are into some form of witchcraft and turn mean people into dolls so they can appreciate the innocence of childhood. Um ok...I guess killing people is part of a happy childhood?
Anyhow, long story short David is turned into a new Punch doll along with all the other meanies. Ralph and Judy wake up to the Hartwickes who claim they found both of them knocked out. Once again following the guidelines of character idiocy, they both buy into it was all one big, bad dream. The Hartwickes tell Judy that her father left for Europe with Rosemary under an assumed names along with Enid and Isabel. Once again...idiocy prevails and Judy buys into it. Judy heads off with Ralph to her loving mother�s house to live happily ever after.
Oddly the film, as low as it�s budget was and text book as the plot, was highly entertaining. At first, one may think the Hartwickes and the Dolls may be the evil doers but the film surprisingly makes them the somewhat good guys. Charles Band, who later led the Full Moon explosion, was a co-producer on this number. Guess we can see where this film parlayed into many of the titles under Full Moon�s library.
1.) Dolly Not So Dearest - Tonight on �When Kewpie Dolls Attack�, revel in the thrills of evil dollies stabbing, shooting and tearing apart a bunch of unlucky house dwellers. Don�t forget to tune in next week, we feature candid shots of My Buddy...you�ll end up asking yourself, �Is he really my buddy?�
2.) You Can't Bear It - In Judy�s fantasy, her Teddy bear comes to life in a huge polar bear form and rips apart her parents. Got to love the �oh well� shrug when Judy disciplines him for his actions.
1.) David and Rosemary - Glad to know the rich still enjoy vacationing in Iowa-like areas.
2.) Isabel and Enid - Blimey gov�na. These two are a bit of wankas. These two look like they should be hanging out in Resurrection Cemetery with the likes of Linnea Quiqley.
