RELEASE DATE: 1977
RATED: PG
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Moving on to our...um...epic space adventure we get introduced to a bunch of people Star Trekking across the universe. They are all dressed in ultra tight red and white uniforms complete with a meat helmet with what seems to be water drains for ear holes. They all get word from the supercomputer (which is basically an empty box with several blinking lights) that a large object is coming their way. For no apparent reason, the crew avoid the collision and they all celebrate in a rather gay manner.
After the credits roll, the captain of the ship Alex Hamilton (no, not the first US treasurer who died in a duel with Aaron Burr) goes up to a fellow named Miller and punches him. Why...well according to Hamilton he listens too much to the supercomputer which is named...ok...brace yourself...WIZ. I know, how f*cking original right. Well the Commander, looking too much like Spock for comfort, gives Hamilton a talking to and sends his crew out to repair a satellite.
When they get there, a fellow by the name of Peter heads out of the ship. As he floats in a most peculiar way, Hamilton is aghast to find out he is out there alone. He orders Peter back but its too late at that point. Peter gets sprayed with battery acid from the satellite's panel. Oddly, most of the batteries look like they should have been in the back of a Seiko watch.
Hamilton exclaims he has three minutes to get back to the ship in order to survive. In this three minutes Hamilton is somehow able to suit up, get out the airlock and rescue Peter from immanent doom...what an amazing guy indeed. Might I say that Hamilton seemed to be the only busy one on the ship. Most of the crew seem to hang out and look out the window throughout the movie.
Minutes later, a strange communication interception is heard on the ship. Impressed by the Atari 2600 sound quality, the Commander orders Hamilton to find out where the communication is coming from. Hamilton insists his crew is not expendable and refuses orders.
Well lets add up this equation...a weary crew plus an odd communication plus a supercomputer named Wiz. That must equal a new disaster in the plot on the way. However first we get treated to a lovey moment between Hamilton and love interest/shipmate Meela. Meanwhile in the next room, two shipmates have what seems to be a virtual reality love session through something that looks like the Death Star. Don't ask any more about it than that please. I'd rather not go into it thank you.
All of this gets interrupted when some spaceships blast them. The ship spins out of control while the crew talk...in...a...painful...kind...of...pausing...manner. After maintaining control of the ship, they find themselves being sucked in by a local planet. As they struggle with these problems, back on earth the powers that be try to calm the press down who apparently still haven't gotten much more humble in the future.
The crew eventually find themselves on the uncharted planet. They grab a bunch of doohickeys and leave the ship to explore it. One fellow, not the brightest of the bunch apparently, heads out on his own to investigate. He comes across something that looks like Stonehenge. He heads into where the demons dwell and the banshees live to get a closer look only to get zapped off to a cave somewhere. He is greeted by something that looks like the game Simon and is quickly off'd.
Hamilton and his crew, a day late a buck short, hear the commotion. They run over to Stonehenge and get zapped to the cave. However, they are greeted by a bunch of blue skinned people. No not the Smurfs, but a bunch of survivors from the planet's nuclear holocaust who speak telepathically. Their leader asks for assistance on taking down the supercomputer in their once great city.
Hamilton and the gang head back to the ship to get their weapons. Why they decided to case an uncharted planet without them is one of the mysteries facing this flick. Anyhow, they head back into the highly radiated city to take on the supercomputer. The supercomputer claims he was behind them coming to the planet and that he wants to vrule de universe. However, the catch is he needs Hamilton to repair a few things on him first. Hamilton does but in turn chucks a rock at the computer's detonation button which shuts him down. Yep, a rock stopped what the blue people couldn't.
Anyhow, Hamilton and his buddies rush back onto the ship as the planet crumbles around them. They take off and with 10 minutes left in the plot, you have to figure more nonsense is bound to happen. Somehow, the supercomputer on the planet is able to take the form of one of Hamilton�s crew members. Who knows why that happened, I guess computer viruses are interspecies in the future. A long drawn out battle takes place and eventually Hamilton is able to expel them out the airlock. Then the film ends with the ship�s computer sounding much like the supercomputer on the planet.
Ok so points go for the dark ending. I have to admit now that watching this flick is almost like driving an painfully beat up Oldsmobile that drives extremely well. Or driving a Ferrari that has constant engine problems. Allow me to elaborate a bit. The film has some excellent ideas and social commentary that seem to easily get lost.
Why, well the film is horribly edited and most of the shots are way too dark. Also, the set design was made up of flashing boxes and horribly obvious miniatures. The costume design proves to be the source of several camel toes. Unfortunately not all of them are on females. Still, fans of cheese space cinema will gobble this one up.
Not much of that in the flick although seeing Smurf men in loin cloths was enough for me to mention here.
1.) The Supercomputer - Imagine Skynet with a Coleco Adam processor and there you go.
