RELEASE DATE: 1981
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider - 6/6/8
They poke around for a bit until they find the captain a little worse for wear. A few steps and bodies found later, they come across some large green eggs amongst a bunch of boxes of coffee. . They note that one of them next to a heated pipe is glowing and making noises like a fog horn. Following every idiotic B-movie character rule to a tee, one of the group picks up the egg even after seeing the numerous bodies within the ship. Of course, the egg explodes which causes pretty much almost everyone in the group to explode with it.
Lt. Aris makes it out of the ship alive but quickly finds himself in a decontamination chamber. The rather perturbed Aris is greeted by a Colonel Stella Holmes who I guess is a big wig in Washington. She questions him a bit about the events and quickly gets a team on the case. They board t he ship and quickly freeze it�s contents all the while wearing horribly crafted protection suits with helmets made out of what appears to be recycled trash cans. They take the killer eggs into custody and have them investigated.
The scientists reveal their findings to Holmes and company. It s pretty much what we already know. They perform an experiment where they extract some green goop from the egg. Apparently it is 100% acid yet for some odd reason, doesn�t melt the syringe they use to extract it. They proceed to inject a lab rat with it which causes the old fabled Pop Rocks and Soda mix result. So I guess I should stop here and explore the egg concept. See, the rat in the lab was injected with the gun k so I could understand how it could race through it�s circulator system and pop. However, I had a hard time grasping how a splatter of egg acid could be absorbed so quickly that people�s intestines could come out their chest in seconds.
Holmes talks to Aris about where the shipment was going and they decide to pay a visit to the warehouse where the eggs were due. However, they are greeted rather unkindly with bullets. The team storm the warehouse and the inhabitants decide suicide via giant green egg sounds good. . Anyhow, for whatever reason Holmes decides to make a few ommlettes out of the eggs via flamethrowers. After the egg toasting hootenanny, the group heads back to the ultra fake looking lab. They have a brief and useless philosophical discussion about the egg�s origin. Then they recall an astronaut named Ian Hubbard who once talked about similar eggs on a space exploration They decide finding him is the only option.
So lets see. Italian horror movie�check. Sounds like a rip off so far of an American movie concept�check. Strange ship showing up in NY with bodies on it�check. Ian McCulloh�nope�oh wait a minute�check. I wonder if McCulloh ever got mad at his agent. Do you think he was ever like, �Jesus Christ, isn�t this is the exact same frickin� film I just appeared in�? In this one he plays Hubbard who is a disgruntled ex-astronaut.
Holmes and Aris decide to pay Hubbard a visit. After a brief �you ruined my life government woman� discussion with Holmes, he tells her about his ill fated mission to Mars. Apparently that happened some time in space exploration history and we didn�t hear about tit. He tells her about finding a cave filled with the green eggs. Actually in this scene they appear to be nothing more than olives on a mini set. Way to go special effects crew. Anyhow, he talks about a huge light that came out of the cave and consumed his traveling buddy Hamilton. However, it turns out Hamilton went back to the states and claimed they saw nothing thus giving Hubbard the loony wrap.
Hamilton�s first target is Holmes who apparently doesn�t realize most horror deaths happen in the shower. He has someone plant an egg in her bathroom and lock the door on her. So this scene gets to be a trite bit confusing as well as drawn out. Holmes proceeds to bang away on the bathroom door which is unfortunately located next to the egg. Of all place you could be standing, why would next to the egg be one of them. I would probably dodge back in the shower or something. I know a shower curtain won�t shield much when it comes to alien goo but still, at least it�s a better chance. Anyhow, Hubbard and Aris bust in just in time to save her.
Meanwhile a few miles away, Hamilton and his assistant are having lunch. For reasons to be explained half assed later, Hamilton freaks out when the egg in Holmes� bathroom bursts without killing her. He complains of how the egg was a useless sacrifice amongst other shreds of forced acting. Back with Holmes and her manly friends. Hubbard takes off for a little spying via plane and Holmes /Aris decide to meet with Juan Valdez at the coffee company. Actually, the coffee company is run by de la Cruz in a plot twist I guess we should have saw coming. At this point I could only think of how a coffee would help me get through the last half hour.
Holmes and Aris, in a conversation that shouts �WE�RE FROM THE USA ON A SECRET MISSION�, make off like they�re coffee buyers. They get a brief tour but are greeted by Hamilton and a bunch of armed assailants. The film switches back to Hubbard who apparently has crashed his plane. He proceeds to fart around the jungle a bit. In between his gallivanting, we get treated to an unnecessary tender moment in captivity brought to you by Aris and Holmes. By the way, I hate when movies feel a need to make some romantic connection. Is it really that important to a film�s plot or in this case lack of one?
Back to Hubbard who goes over the river and through the woods to find himself in plot-convenience-ville. After stumbling upon a dying stranger, he finds himself in a field of under ripe eggs. Apparently they grow under giant plants or something. Ok, that�s just idiotic. A group of processionals wearing goofy equipment run around and collect the eggs in microwave-like containers. Think of it as Easter but for evil corporations harboring aliens. Hubbard finds the token random guard who stays behind and jumps him.
As Holmes gets prepared for the next meal, we find out that Hubbard has made it to the plant. He interrogates de la Cruz for answers, which she gives about Hamilton and the whole nine. Guards arrive, hell breaks loose and Hubbard proceeds to take de la Cruz as his human shield. He comes face to face with his old buddy Hamilton who shoots de le Cruz anyhow. Hubbard and Hamilton scuffle a bit producing all the excitement of two astronauts fighting that can be expected. Hubbard breaks free and pays back the Cyclops with a bullet in the eye.
In an ending I could only half grasp, Hamilton proceeds to implode although I didn�t see where alien goo landed on him. The Cyclops decides to spontaneously combust which I guess proves aliens are a lot like old people who do the same from time to time. The military arrive, as always in B-flicks, a day late and a buck short. Hubbard tries desperately to cover the film�s plot holes. He says that the Hamilton on earth was only an extension of the monster and not the real Hamilton. Um ok�I guess we should buy that to end the film. Everything wraps up with (surprise surprise) an idiotic shock ending in which a lone egg in a NY city trash can blows up.
Of course it doesn�t take much to see how much Contamination tries to be like Alien. This film has all the markings of an Italian knock off but fails miserably to do anything original to distract the viewer from that aspect. It takes the basic concept of alien eggs infecting the human population when they crack. At least in Aliens, the egg helped in planting a parasitic seed inside humans which would grow to maturity. This film has an egg that explodes which automatically kills humans. So where the f*ck do the aliens get ahead in this kind of reproduction? Imagine if the humans tried for universal domination by going to other planets and used toxic exploding babies. Yeah you�d kill a few aliens but the result would be messy and rather unsuccessful.
The gore is there in the film but seems to be a bit repetitive. The special effect crew seemed to ride the gut exploding pony until it collapsed from exhaustion. The acting is laughable and hardly anyone can seem to pull inspiration out of the script. Not even McCulloh who seems to have some skill at acting. The characters are generic as generic comes and the villains don�t seem menacing at all. Indeed, it seems they tried to be just as cool as James Cameron�s work but it ended up with egg on their face, quite literally.
