TITLE: Blood Tide

RELEASE DATE
:  1982

RATED: R

REVIEWED BY
:  The DarkSider
THE PLOT: If there is one guy that deserves all the kudos in the world of voice overs, its James Earl Jones.  This is the guy who proved to the menacing voice of Darth Vadar yet tender as Mufasa in the Lion King.  He also gave us memorable characters like Terence Mann in Field Of Dreams.

However, in his acting career there have been times one may wonder why didn't he just stay behind the microphone.  Two roles come to mind without much thought by yours truly.  The first being his African spiritual man turned insect expert role in The Exorcist 2.  The other being this film about...um I guess a sea monster?

The film begins with a spoken narration about times of old.  Of course it goes without saying the "narration rule" will undoubtedly come into play in this movie.  Apparently in a time before whenever, people who wore burlap sacks used to sacrifice virgins to an ancient sea creature or some sort.  Why, well what else can a guy do with a fertile young female...um yeah...

Fast forward time...Neil Grice, played by Martin "STRIKE FIRST, STRIKE HARD" Kove, and his wife Sherry show up driving their boat into a Greek getaway.  Once on land, they are greeted by the local kids who throw a cat at them.  Being a fan of cats, I would have returned the greeting by throwing the little f*ckers off a cliff.

Anyhow, immediately local mayor Nereus chastises them. In so many words he tells them to scram.  However Neil insists that he is there primarily to find his sister Madeline who supposedly went there a while back.  Nereus claims to know nothing about her and tells them they must leave at dawn. 

Luckily for Neil, he spots Madeline running around the island on cue.  He follows her to a hut somewhere and is greeted by Frye (Jones) who almost cuts his throat.  Madeline talks down Frye and then everyone catches up on old times.  Madeline apparently went to the island with Frye a while back for archeology reasons.  Madeline also seems to be going off the deep end which I pretty much credit to being a new age bimbo.  Also part of the group, and winner of the Chrissie Snow award, is Frye's main squeeze Barbara.

Side note about Jones as Frye;  not sure what the character's point was in being so eccentric but it really dragged the movie down.  Not that it didn't do that enough on it's own plot wise but why add fuel to that fire I say.  Matter of fact Frye proves his worthlessness while exploring an underground gave.  He blows open a wall which apparently releases something nasty into the water.

Anyhow the next day while frolicking on a boat, the group hits something that cracks their propellar.  When they dock, they are greeted by the mayor who says a girl went missing in the water that morning.  He demands that they do not leave the town until the girl is found.  Oh no...I'm being held hostage in a paradise where the alcohol and food flows freely...please don't torture me...

The story goes in and out focus wise on Madeline who is living in a convent of some sort with Sister Anna.  She is doing research on an old painting that apparently has three layers.  The first layer is a painting of a saint killing the sea creature, the second layer is a painting of the sea creature killing a guy and the third layer is of the sea creature and a man country line dancing.  Ok, so I made up the third layer for now but it will come full circle later.

Anyhow, Barbara goes out in a blaze of blondness when the sea creature rips her apart in a scene stolen, I mean borrowed from Jaws.  The missing girl also shows up a little worse for wear.  At their combined funerals, apparently two for one deals go for send offs, the mayor arrives and disrupts the catholic funeral with words of the ancient gods.

Incidents at the funeral set Frye off who decides the best way of coping is driving his boat around while drinking.  While out, he rescues a small girl who falls into the ocean. However, when looks under water he spots a sea creature devouring the child's mother who dived in after her.  The two second shot of the monster proves to be the longest time it is seen in the movie.

Anyhow, that evening Madeline gets to the last layer of the painting to find a painting of an aroused sea monster standing before a kneeling virgin.  Offended by paintings of sexually excited leviathans, Madeline runs out of her room just in time to see the nuns massacred by the monster. 
Guess he�s an amphibian...its all too stupid to me by this point.

Sister Anna makes it out of the massacre and this prompts Frye and Neil to search out Madeline.  Turns out she decided to do the whole virgin sacrifice thing in the cave.  Neil gets there just in time to whisk her away.  However, unfortunately for Frye the monster snacks on what appears to be his b*ll sack.  Wait a minute, I just realized thats one f*cking funny line. Let me say that again, James Earl Jones�s b*ll sack gets snacked on my a sea monster.  Anyhow, castration aside Frye is able to wire some explosives which obliterates the sea creature essentially ending it�s rein of terror.

This movie seemed to have had a monster film label to it but completely lacks any kind of originality and premise.  The monster does absolutely nothing in the film and as already mentioned makes up about 5 seconds in cameos all together.

As for Jones, Darth Vadar was given one last hurrah in Return Of The Jedi.  Until most recently where he exclaimed �Nooooooooooooooooooooo� in Revenge Of The Sith.  Indeed, life seems grand for the man with the deep voice, no matter how sh*ty the roles can and will be at times.
IT�S THE INNARDS THAT COUNT (most gruesome/odd moments)
1.)
Blondes Don�t Have More Fun - Barbara gets hacked up by the sea monster and her body is found mutilated.  If you are what you eat, that sea creature is one dumb f*cking moron.
YOU�RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE (the A-Holes of the film get their moment)
1.)
The Sea Creature - A rather lousy looking monster that ravages the ocean off shore of Greece.  Heard he is currently working on the independent movie project, �My Big Fat Greek Snack Of James Earl Jones�s Baby Batter Makers�.
HOLY WAR UPDATE (the ongoing battle of good vs evil heats up again)
Hello children of Zeus, time to get the battle started...

Sister Anna
vs
The Sea Creature

We award this bout to The Sea Creature because he was easily able to walk into a convent and obliterate all the Sister�s women.  Side note;  why is it so easy for evil entities to walk into a holy house? Couldn�t the divine plan have included some sort of home security?
The Winnah This Round: The Evil A-Holes
Score After Ten Reviews: The Evil A-Holes 7    Holy Rollers 3
OVERALL GRADE
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