TITLE: Invasion Of The Blood Farmers

RELEASE DATE
:  1972

RATED
: PG

REVIEWED BY
:  The DarkSider
THE PLOT: Up on my video shelf I have a little spot called the "reserve section".  Basically if I don't have a film ready for a weekly review, I usually dip into this section.  So far I've had to do it twice and all throughout I have been avoiding this title.  It was something I picked up a few years back and never made it through til the end.  Well the reserve shelf returns once again and you will see why I waited so long to review this flick.

The film begins with a lesson about the Druids.  Once again...oh no...not the Druids.  Apparently they were a group of meanies and a new blood sacrifice is being prepared according to the narration.  Narration which sounded like a feminine version of Q from the James Bond films.   After the credits role, we spot a rather bloody fellow staggering down the street gasping for air. 

Cut to the local waterin' hole where the bartender chats it up with a fellow named Cliff who's wife Helen is missing.  Shorty, the local town drunk who doubles as a deputy, says he has no leads.  He seems to be covering for the Sheriff who is out of town.  The topic changes to a guy named Jim Carrey. No not the guy who stars in The Truman Show, rather the guy who was staggering down the street in the opening shot.  Carrey busts into the bar covered in blood and dies laying face down on the floor. 

Cut to love birds Don and Jenny sitting around being obnoxiously lovey dovey.  Through a little back story, we find out Don is an aspiring pathologist and the two are engaged in secret.  Jenny's father Roy apparently is a pathologist as well.  The back story is twice as long as that but thats the basic idea.  Back to Cliff who is lamenting over Helen.  Turns out Helen is tied to a post somewhere having her blood sucked out by a hooded dude in overalls.  

Meanwhile, Don and Jenny get back home and Don is immediately called in by Roy to his "lab".  The "lab" pretty much consisted of a wooden table similar to the ones at an all you can eat buffet and a few beakers.  Nothing like a fine feel of authenticity prop people.  Roy is investigating the blood from Carrey for some reason or other.  He finds out that something is making the blood rapidly increase. So basically Carrey blew up from his own blood. 

Side note on the blood;  I don't think "blood" is the right word.  It looks more like Hawaiian Punch than anything.  One more thing to add, I find it a bit odd that a pathology department is set up in some dude's cellar.  That and throughout the film, Don and Roy never seem to be wearing any protective equipment like gloves or masks.  A little bit odd for guys researching strange blood diseases don't you think?

Moving on, at the waterin' hole some child molester looking guy is trying to clean up the blood.  He claims the blood is spreading more as he cleans it.  That and he spins a yarn about seeing some odd looking folks at a place called "Whitaker's Farm".  Where the f*ck is that you ask...I'm not sure. Some dudes are sitting at the bar and overhear a conversation about Roy's work on the blood sample.  I should add that one of them has some awful white spray paint in his hair and eyebrows to look older.  This would be Egon by the way.  They ask the bartender for directions to Roy's street.  Egon tells the other dude to report this to a guy named Creton. 

Cut to Roy and Don bullsh*tting more about the blood all under Egon's eye.  Upstairs Jenny is sleeping with her dog Buster who leaves abruptly.  Might I say that Jenny does sleep a lot in this movie during the day.  Well actually, I think the people making this film wanted us to suspend disbelief and call it night time.  I won't go further into it but let me say the day/night continuity plagues the film more than once.  Buster takes off after Egon but gets taken out when Egon beats him with...um...you might think I'm crazy but I swear it was a baton.  Egon treats himself to a little Siberian Husky dinner.  During his struggle, Egon drops an old looking key. 

The next day, Jenny opens the door to find part of Buster.  Don runs out to see if he can find some kind of clue.  He ends up finding the old key that Egon dropped.  Cut to a newlywed couple who get bumped off by Egon and his baton of death.  Just a stupid killing scene thrown in for time killing measures.  Egon and another farmer goon take the bodies back to their farm of operation.

This is when we have the um...privilege of meeting the leader of the operation.  Allow me to introduce Druid high priest Creton who is quite feminine.  I'd hate to think that the Druids were anything like him.  He has a right hand man (butt buddy) named Sontag.  They talk of finding a host for some chick in a glass casket in their living room.  Her named is Queen Onhorrid and she is waiting for a blood host to make her return.  Outside Egon and the boys are draining the guy who is still alive for some reason. Might I say the way the dude getting drained's spasms are almost comedic. 

Meanwhile back inside the house, Creton and Sontag over act (or is it under act) telling us more about the Queen. She is supposed to bring balance to the Force...blah blah blah.  I thought it was rather amusing that the sound people edited in a thunder and lightening cue in this scene. Guess that happens when Druids speak.  Meanwhile across town, Don and Roy are having a thunder free conversation about reversing the effect of the blood condition. 

Don brings up the key he found and Roy mentions he would call a local professor of artifacts named Kinksy.  He gets some dude named Cameron on the other line who informs him that Kinsky is away on assignment.  Roy gets Kinsky's new number and it turns out Kinsky is Sontag.  So from now on I'll just refer to him as Sontag to avoid confusion.  Do keep in mind, Roy doesn't find this out until later.  Not that it really matters to us but I suppose we should feel special. 

Anyhow, Sontag sets up a meeting with Roy and immediately reports this to Creton. Turns out the key is special and is the only thing that allows them to do their blood draining.  Its never really explained further than that so don't try to make too much sense out of it. Creton gets pissed off at Egon for losing it and Sontag reassures him that they will get it back.  Meanwhile, in another time killing scene Cliff and the blood cleaning guy from the beginning get killed off.  While they drain the blood cleaning guy, an amusing bit of horrid continuity happens.  One shot has him with blood all over his face and in the next he is cleaned up. 

Sontag pays his visit to Roy and informs him that the key is poppy cock.  He returns the key to Creton who is most pleased.  Back at the waterin' hole, Shorty gets a call from the Sheriff who announces he will be returning soon.  Matter of fact, two scenes later the Sheriff visits Roy.  He informs him of the odd blood and the Sheriff decides to start his investigation at the Whitaker's Farm.  He comes across Sontag at the door and is informed by him that he is doing some major scientific investigations while the Whitakers are away.  The Sheriff, who realizes he is a B-Movie law enforcement official, figures nothing fishy is going on and leaves. 

Meanwhile, Roy shows Don his cure for the blood disorder which would be iodine and ammonia.  Who would have f*cking thought?  Roy gets a call from the Sheriff  who informs him of Sontag's presence at the Whitaker's farm.  Roy finds this odd and confronts Sontag.  Sontag plays it off and everything is fine between the two again. Matter of fact, Sontag comes over a few scenes later.  Roy shows Sontag his lab and Sontag is quite disturbed to see that he has found a cure. 

Don heads out on Roy's orders the next day to some clinic with some stuff. This leaves Roy and Jenny to be kidnaped by the Druids.  Lucky for the Druids, it turns out Jenny is perfectly suited to become the blood host for the Queen.  Heres a quick run down of the plot stupidity so pay attention;  the Druids needed to find the right blood host so they can pump them full of a magic mixture which in turn could either a.) kill the person or b.) be accepted by the proper host thus leading to the Queen's return and the rise of the Druids once again.  Ok...if you need a repeat go ahead and read that again....(waiting)...ok done...good.  Don't really know where the blood draining comes into play but just go with it; this crap is going to be over soon.

Roy and Jenny are brought outside under a red sky.  Let me say, I have seen a lot of crappy special effect in my day but none worse than this red sky.  I believe (and I'm going out on a limb here) that a camera's lens could have been spray painted red to make it look like an evil sky.  The Queen is partially brought back to life but before the ceremony is complete, Don arrives to save the day.  He sprays the group with the cure which oddly kills them.  Since it stops the film, I won't bother investigating.  The film wraps up with Don buying a new puppy for Jenny and everyone living happily in a post Druid state.  Awwwwwww...sh*t. 

Everything that makes a bad movie is in this flick.  Horrid continuity, actors stumbling over their lines and props that were probably borrowed.  It is rumored that the film's cast was paid off in beer and the film was shot over three weekends.  I swear this is what IMDB claims.  They also say that the film never made it's money back.  Well it made ten bucks from me and sat on my shelf all this time.  Glad I can help with the f*cking bailing out effort.
ITS THE INNARDS THAT COUNT (most gruesome/odd moments)
1.)
Buster Come Home - Buster the dog gets killed off in a most brutal way and is later hung from Jenny's doorstep.  Go figure the most talented actor in the film would get killed off in that manner. 
YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE (the A-Holes of the film get their moment)
1.)
Creton and Sontag - These guys wanted to raise a Druish Queen back to life.  If you count them, I guess that would make three Queens for the Druids right? 

2.)
Queen Onhorrid - She doesn't do much in this film except lay in a casket.  I will say she really pulls Creton's living room together as an attractive coffee table. 

3.)
Egon and The Blood Farmers - Found this in the Farmer's Almanac want ads the other day if you're interested;

"
WANTED ASAP! Druish blood draining farmers with a taste for Huskies.  Must be able to administer magic potions and drain blood for no apparent reason.  Also must be able to clean up other body fluids (aka the bi-product of Creton and Sontag's love romps).  Black masks and overalls provided."
MOVIE COVER ALERT (righting the wrongs of movie cover art)
WHEN THE F*CK DID THAT HAPPEN TRICK: This clever trick is used in movie cover art as a desperate attempt to sell a DVD.  They throw a cool looking scene, in this case a farmer about to stab a girl with a pitchfork, that doesn't even happen in the film.

Verdict For This FilmGUILTY

Remember Bad Movie Covers...We'll Be Watching You...
OVERALL GRADE
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