RELEASE DATE: 1986
RATED: G
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider - A Christmas In July 2005 Review
The movie opens up with a shot of a way to obvious town miniature which we are supposed to suspend disbelief into thinking is actually big. As the credits roll, an upbeat Muzak track plays while it snows over the mini town. We get our first look at a prepubescent Barrymore who answers a ringing phone and knows immediately it is her mom. Her mother assures her that she'll be home soon. Her sister Mary informs her that she got her a sled for Christmas. Barrymore's character Lisa smugly acts surprised as she prepares dinner for her family.
As Mary leaves for work, the news cast on in the house informs us there is a huge storm brewing outside in the Cincinnati area and for everyone to stay home. Yeah like that will happen without a plot being developed. Lisa leaves the house to head for Mary's workplace.
Cut to a store where Reeves's character Jack is working and flirting with Mary. I should say now that I can not look at Reeves pre or post Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure without seeing him as Ted no matter what he is doing in a film. I just want to insert the word "dude" after everything he says. Lisa shows up at the hectic store to let Mary know theres a huge storm coming. Ted, I mean Jack says he has a 4 wheel drive jeep that can get them home...dude.
This is when we get to meet store manager Barnie. He is played by Richard Mulligan of Soap/Empty Nest fame. He starts giving Mary sh*t about something all the while hitting on her in a rather scary way. First off he is a little old for her...not old enough to be her father old but old enough to be her grandfather old. Lisa and Mary tell off Barnie and inform him they are leaving for good. Meanwhile in the feminine care department (or something) Jack is f*cking off with his coworker George. Mary informs him that they are leaving and she told Barnie where to shove his store. Much to Barnie's displeasure, Lisa gets on the store PA system and informs everyone about the storm and people start to rush out. What a little f*ck nut.
Well all four of them head out in Jack's jeep. On the drive back we get introduced the to revolting Cincinnati Song. Take it Jack:
"Welcome to glorious Cincinnati. Queen of Ohio's alpine ski resorts...I...come...from...
C.I.N.C.I.N.N.A.T.I....Cincinnati...
At first they called it CINCI but since CINCI is so NATI
They named it Cincinnati so they say..."
There is so much more to the song...the Cincinnati Bengals are mentioned somewhere. Just for that small excerpt, I had to rewind it 20 times. Sorry...theres only so much a man can take of the Cincinnati Song. VH1 said We Built This City by Starship was the worst song ever, to bad they didn't see this flick.
Well on the plus side of things the song is interrupted when Jack slides into a snow bank on the road. Lisa falls out the back of the jeep on her sled backwards and hits a tree. Looked like a pretty bitchin ride to me. Lisa is knocked out but out of nowhere she flies on her sled into a town out of a fairy tale book. There are teddy bears, mice, people dressed like Willy Wonka, etc. Looking at it now I would say it resembles the welfare version of Disneyland. She lands in a gigantic cake and goes off to explore the town.
All of a sudden she runs into George literally but he is not himself rather he is Georgie Porgie. You know the guy who made the girls cry. I do not understand why they forced a chubby guy like George to wear spandex but its rather disturbing. He is off to somewhere and informs her the evil man known as Barnaby is marrying Mary Contrary. Brace yourself for this next bit of info: Barnaby lives in a bowling ball and Mary Contrary is really in love with Jack B Nimble but has to marry Barnaby because he will foreclose on Mary's mother house who happens to be the old woman who lived in a shoe...gasp...ok got that?
So the ceremony begins with Miss Muffet on keyboards. Start it up Miss Muffet:
"Ding Dong...Ding Dong...May we wish you the happiest marriage anyone ever knew...
May the years to come become the best years ever for you..."
Yeah it sucks but at least its not the Cincinnati Song. Mary walks smugly down the isle under Jack's forced hurtful expression. Much like Georgie; Jack B. Nimble, Mary Contrary, and Barnaby are all counterparts to themselves in real life. Oddly Lisa doesn't seem to recognize any of them. Apparently that oak tree f*cked up Lisa's mind worse than an acid hit. Barnaby comes to the alter wearing the height of 80s gay fashion accompanied by his two hunchback buddies Zack and Mack. All the while Lisa can't understand why Mary would get hitched to such a hideous old man. Jack runs out to confront Barnaby but is stopped by Zack and Mack who vogue him back very much like Madonna.
During the ceremony, Lisa pipes in and breaks up the wedding. Jack runs off with Mary and Lisa gets dubbed "Cinciwhatski" by Barnaby. Cue up another horrid song led by Georgie:
"Lets hear it for the girl of the month...no more than a month the whole year...
We're glad you're really here my dear..."
Lisa gets the Ms. America treatment for a bit. But oh retribution shall be had by Barnaby against his nemesis. He watches Jack, Mary, Georgie, and Lisa discuss some business through his pet one eyed eagle Trollog. If you thought Barnaby was bad before, that bastard is invading privacy through a bird. Jack shows Lisa the charming evil forest entrance and informs her that his late father was once the proud owner of the cookie factory. However Barnaby, Jack's uncle, had a law passed that you had to be 21 and married to become owner so unless he is married by a certain time he will loose it to Barnaby. After seeing the cookie factory it makes you wonder why he wants it. All the workers are on roller skates which I imagine would be a major workers comp pain in the ass. Barnaby takes off to the factory and his henchmen throw a bunch of cookies into a dark hole in the factory floor.
Across town Mary finds out her mother is going to make ends meet by selling kids to the bank. Nothing better than money that pops out of your loins I say. Lisa and Mary take off in tiny cars, which make bubbling sounds when operating, to the cookie factory. At the factory, Barnaby has the teddy bear law enforcement arrest Jack for a shortage in cookies. That of corse was caused by Barnaby to suspend the time Jack had to get married. Jack goes away on a charge of grand cookie larceny. I can recall the first time I was arrested for that...my mother was so upset.
Lisa distracts the chief justice and the crew break Jack out of jail. They all decide there is one man who can stand alone against Barnaby. One man who can put a stop to his evil plot to take over Toyland. That man is Pat "Mr. Miyagi" Morita as the Toymaster. I guess the Toymaster is supposed to be Santa's business partner or something. While there the group tells him of Barnaby's evil deeds. The Toymaster agrees something has to be done. He shows Lisa his collection of life sized toy soldiers and a flask he has which contains "concentrated evil". The flask has evil collected from all over the world. Evil as in murderers, arsonists, and yes...this movie. While all this happens, Barnaby snoops through Trollog once again. The group sees Georgie eating a cookie and they found out he got it from the factory. Call CSI Toyland, this is the evidence that proves Jack innocent.
The group goes back to the factory to try to find some trace of cookie evidence. Zack and Mack await them and they send Jack through a trap door into a cage at Barnaby's. He greets Jack with another forgettable song:
"I want to share with you dear boy...the evil scheme that fills my heart with joy...
This evil fiend will never cease...because I have created a monsterpiece..."
I often thought that if people could have theme songs I would pick that one for myself....well then again maybe not...it is a little to gay for me.
The group looks all over the town for Jack and eventually they search Barnaby's house...er...bowling ball. Mary finds herself in the cage with Jack shortly thereafter. Georgie and Lisa head off to the Toymaster's pad again. While they are there, Barnaby sabotages the place and gets hold of the concentrated evil. Everyone is tied up and Trollog messes with them until Lisa gets free. She frees everyone and the Toymaster paints Trollog's eye and closes him in a trunk.
Georgie and Lisa head off to the evil forest with a pink bat and wrench. Its effective to have a pink weapon...when people start to laugh at you, feel free to smack them over the head. After seeing a few trolls, they both end up in the cage with Jack and Mary. Barnaby monologues for a bit about making everyone his b*tch in Toyland and releases the evil. Everyone but Lisa starts to feel the effect and beat the snot out of each other. If you're a non-resident Toylander I guess it helps against evil gas. Oh but what can the group do...what could possibly stop this evil??? Can you believe the f*cking Cincinnati Song...I shall not repeat it. Apparently Toyland residents all know it though.
The group puts on an evil act so they can be set free. Once the cage is opened Jack gives Barnaby a love tap and they run. Barnaby sends out his army of trolls on Toyland. In a ridiculous clown car chase scene, everyone heads out on the road for a minicar demolition derby. Lisa and friends avoid capture but the trolls arrive to reek havoc. So once again they head off to the Toymaster. Turns out the toy soldiers can not be used because Lisa didn't believe in toys and grew up to quick. Sure Lisa...go f*ck things up for everyone. To help Lisa realize her destiny, the Toymaster sings her a song:
"If you can see through the eyes of a child...The wonderful world that she can see...
Believe you me you will never grow old..."
Side note: I don't care to ever hear Pat Morita sing again.
Lisa believes in the toys and realizes she grew up to fast. Insert any kind of Drew Barrymore joke here you want.
The toy soldiers are released to open a can of whoop ass on the trolls. With the battle line set, the folks of Toyland whip out their weapons of mass destruction...brooms....f*ck that idea. Just in time the toy soldiers arrive to kick a whole bunch of troll ass and push them back into the forest. Zack and Mack get a beat down by Georgie and are thrown into forest with the trolls. Barnaby battles Jack and when Jack realizes he is indeed "The One" he whips his ass back to the evil forest.
Well with evil vanquished Jack and Mary get hitched. Side note, in the vows the term "give him a lot of fun and love" appears. Why oh why didn't I include that in my vows...that roughly translates to "f*ck his brains out daily". Lisa departs Toyland with the Toymaster on his sleigh full of presents.
Back in the real world, Lisa wakes up to find herself back home. She pulls the Wizard Of Oz crap of informing everyone about a dream she had with them all in it. The movie wraps up with Lisa giving a speech on believing in toys and always being a kid at heart...how lame.
I can always recall this movie coming on television at Christmas time when I was younger. Nowadays it is virtually impossible to catch it anywhere. I can't prove it but I think now that their pockets are deeper, Reeves and Barrymore have to be dishing out bribes somewhere not to show it. Frankly, I really don't blame them... the movie is most bogus dude.
1.) The Cincinnati Song - I'm not sure if the word "nati" is a real adjective. After all they did say "Cinci" was so "nati" and thats how the town got it's name. I have no clue but let me say; if "nati" means "sh*ty" in some form, this song is very f*cking "nati".
2.) Pat Morita's Song - I hate to pick on him but that thick Asian accent makes it very hard not to laugh at his song. They should of given this number Mr. Miyagi's old "wax on, wax off" treatment.
1.) Barnaby Barnicle - Sure hes a prick but living in a bowling ball all your life is tough. Just when you get settled in, some fat slob throws you down a lane at pins on a Friday night.
2.) Trollog - Every Toyland resident knows when Barnaby spies on Little Bo Peep in the shower, he is using his "one eyed monster" in some form or another.
3.) Zack and Mack - Although they are inept as henchmen, I'm sure Barnaby's bowling ball gets a little cold every once and awhile...if you know what I mean.
4.) The Trolls - If you have trouble defeating an army of Teddy Bears and Toy Soldiers you shouldn't really live in a place called the evil forest. Pack your bags and head to Candyland where the rest of the fairies live.
"Ho! Ho! Hooooooly sh*t! Who the hell said I had a little Asian man helping me out? That mother f*cker is trying to steal my steam! Go back to Happy Days Arnold you prick! The Fonz is going to kick your ass for this one!
Oh and by the way DarkSider, you are on my sh*t list this year! I am going to defecate down your chimney and leave you one of Santa's special "yule logs"...Merry Christmas asshole!!!"
