RELEASE DATE: 1994
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
For some reason, I just couldn't bend for Maria Ford in this movie. I'm not sure if it was the painfully generic bad guys or the poorly written third grade revenge plot but I just couldn't.
Maria Ford, for those of you not acquainted with the actress, is a trained martial artist who has starred in many of sexploitation adventures. She actually has been called Quentin Tarenteno's favorite B-Movie actress. What an honor indeed. She has the ability to pull off a good fight scene and has the looks of a warrior vixen to go with it. In this film, she takes on all of greater Hawaii only to come out on top. Oddly, I was routing for the bad guys by the end of the film. Why, well let us examine.
The film starts out resembling a Magnum PI episode. A guy, who later is introduced to us as Robert Kell, brings an Asian prostitute to a hotel. He leaves her briefly to take out a group of guys in a hotel room a few doors down. He makes mention of being left to die by the leader of the guys and chucks him out the window. After this, he calmly goes back to the prostitute and tells her to put on a wedding ring and veil. This would be kinky sex gone very, very wrong by the way.
Meanwhile across town, a female private eye baddie named Brit Alwood takes out a bunch of guys attempting to assault a prostitute. This quickly segues into one of the main focuses in the film, a pop star named Delilah. Sigh...ok this is where things get horribly odd. You see, Delilah is a singer who supposedly has fallen from popularity. However, she is mounting a comeback.
Seems normal enough right? Well add in the fact she does a live strip show with her lesbian lover Reena while belting out vocals resembling a cat getting castrated without an ounce of anesthesia and theres the oddity.
This is the start of my non-bending for the plot line. I mean how does one market something like that on MTV? They wouldn't even allow the relatively tame "Justify My Love" by Madonna on tv. How could Delilah have been popular at any point in her career? I don't think the 5 PM crowd at the local titty bar would have bought her albums would they? Speaking of which, the crowd watching her throughout the movie consisted of both male and female fans. Speaking from past experience, a female in a strip club is about as rare as a flamingo in Alaska. Sigh...again...moving on...
After the big show, Delilah finds out that someone has left a severed finger with a ring on it in her dressing room. That someone would be Kell by the way who apparently is a fan. Hmmmmm...just when I was starting to respect him too.
Fearing that her one true fan is about to kill her, she seeks out Brit for protection. Delilah, who apparently doesn't notice the suspicious Kell tailing her directly to Brit's agency, tells Brit that a cop named Aaron recommended her services.
Aaron, who looked a little too much like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite to keep me from snickering, calls Brit with some information. He informs her of the dead bodies in the hotel and thinks the person after Delilah may be behind the murder. Gee...seems a bit too early to make that hunch but why not go with it.
Brit reluctantly agrees to protect Delilah and calls up her sister Jo who would be the...um...hero of the film. As suspected, Brit gets her ass handed to her by Kell and Jo hears the whole thing go down over the phone. Jo heads out to the crime scene to talk to Aaron.
Now allow me to say at this point, one thing is rather apparent in the film with the ladies. It doesn't seem any store in the greater Hawaii area sell women's shirts that go past the mid-rift. Good thing the weather is regularly 80 degrees out there.
Anyhow, Delilah shows up for no apparent reason at the crime scene and Jo takes over for Brit as bodyguard. This sets up Jo as the indestructible femme fatal. Now I have nothing against a femme fatal especially when their mission is to revenge a relative's death. However, it�s the fact that she was protecting Delilah (who I'm sure many people wouldn't mind see getting off'd due to her singing) that kept me from truly rooting for her.
Aaron tells Jo about the ring attached to the finger in Delilah's dressing room. It has some oddball crest on it which resembled a bar downtown. Once again, another hunch that seemed way to easy to follow. They go down to the bar and meet up with Kell who is hanging there with his mercenary buddies.
So, the definition of mercenary (loosely) is a trained military group who fight for money. You figure such a group would have no problem defending themselves against one man and a girl. Wrong...after a few harassing responses to questions Jo and Aaron wreck the place with hardly any opposition. Thus opening another section of plot stupidity that I had a hard time following.
I don't know what it is with the henchmen in this movie but it seemed they had a hard time doing their job. The best were the ones who played the "you won't make me talk" game and eventually end up spilling their guts after a few punches. You figure guys who were trained to withstand enemy torture wouldn't open up so easily. Matter of fact, one of the mercenaries at the bar tells them about Kell who avoided the conflict.
Moving on...slowly...we get introduced to Sonny who is Delilah's backer at a video shoot. I don�t know why he decided to back Delilah but I'm assuming he likes money pits. He has a past with Jo who doesn't take kindly to him thus setting up another enemy angle. However Sonny, although sleazy, really has a point to his madness. He wants Delilah to change gimmicks and do rock n roll. After hearing Delilah sing again, I totally get what he's saying. Sonny pressures Delilah's manager Danny to convince her. Once again, an enemy I can root for...not good for the hero.
After failing to convince Delilah she sucks worst than Enya, Danny reports to Sonny who decides it would be better to off her. He sends out some hit men who get ambushed by Jo who fights only in a thong. How tasteful and empowering to fighting females everywhere. Once again, a scantily clad girl takes out the trained hit men. I swear, where some may have thought this scene sexy, to me it just ended up as comical and idiotic.
After this, Jo and Aaron start the mandatory relationship in a sex scene which was also hilariously unrealistic. Jo tosses her hair around whiplash style to the point of death metal head banging consistency while riding Aaron.
Well after the night of power love, Aaron and Jo start the search for Kell. They run across a mercenary buddy of his and interrogate him until, once again, he spills his guts without much struggle. They head out to a shipyard where Kell hands Aaron�s ass to him while Jo repeatedly misses him at close range with her pistol. Aaron heads off in critical condition to the local ICU. Now remember that last sentence because it will seem stupid in about two paragraphs.
Jo takes up the bodyguard thing with Delilah and finds out about Sonny�s plan to bump her off. In an absolutely ridiculous gun battle, a million or so henchmen get taken out by Jo. Matter of fact, for some reason none of them ever get a clear shot on her. I mean this is where I had to draw the biggest line when it came to suspending disbelief. Jo had a bar to duck and cover in, how much less room do these henchmen need to kill her. Couldn�t someone at some point walk up behind her and blow her head off? I mean is it really that hard? Arrggggggg...
Anyhow, after Jo successfully offs Sonny and his gang, we find out Reena is in the possession of Kell. Oh darn it all...anyhow, Kell uses Reena as a decoy of some sort and is able to get his mitts on Delilah. At some point we find out why he wants Delilah. Turns out Kell too had a highly untalented singing fianc� who was off�d by a group of thugs. You figure after getting rid of one he�d give up chasing another.
Well the invincible Jo heads out for the final confrontation with Kell. After easily passing a guy with a machine gun (I�m not asking questions about henchmen anymore), we find out Aaron is out of the ICU in fighting mode ready to help Jo. Sigh...sigh....and um...sigh...thats right kids, two paragraphs ago he was on his deathbed and now he�s returned meaner than ever.
The two make easy work of Kell�s guards all up until Aaron passes out due to the stress of living or something. Jo takes on Kell who pretty much throws her around like a red headed step child. Now of course, you wouldn�t figure the good guys would cheat in a movie. Well guess again, Aaron puts a few bullets in Kell and Jo successfully kicks him off the building. I can not believe they had the heroes beat the enemy, who was willing to fight man to man, by pulling a f*cking schoolboy movie. Well, the movie ends with Delilah and Reena living happily ever in horrid singing lesbian bliss and Jo/Aaron pretty much doing the same.
Indeed AOD is high on the cheese factor but it isn�t necessarily without high points. Ford is able to pull off the fight scenes, topless or not, with grace. However its in the �action film for dummies� plot line and the ridiculous acting where the film truly loses it�s appeal. The only way I could bend for Maria Ford is if she made me. Then again, maybe thats not a bad idea.
1.) Karate Girl Gone Wild - Jo takes on a bunch of bad guys topless. If it were cold out I�m sure she could have used...a-hem...two dart weapons to put people�s eyes out.
1.) Kell - Wearing the severed finger of his love around his neck, he proudly takes the whole Angelina Jolie blood vial idea to a whole new level.
2.) Sonny - A music producer who dumps money into an act that can hardly sing and who�s only talent is appearing half naked in live shows. Then again, it worked for Britny Spears all this time hasn�t it?
