RELEASE DATE: 1997
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The Darksider - 4/21/05
It is well known that the recent remake of the original has come to theaters. However for the time being, lets focus on the micro side (if you will) of the Amityville Horror movie chain. That would be this film which is on the last thread of coat tails from the original. You can almost smell the desperation while watching this.
The Martin family moves into a new home with high hopes. (You know..the same old bullsh*t...) The family consists of father Bill, his kids Todd and Jessica, Bill's new wife Claire and her son by another man Jimmy. Bill is the classic father who goes way over and beyond for his kids. He'd probably wipe their asses until 12th grade if he had the chance. Claire is a hot to trot middle aged woman (we will cover that more later). Jimmy is an annoying wet fart of a kid whos always whining. He has a pet mouse named Max. Jimmy hates his new family, especially his teenage stepbrother Todd who is the oldest of the bunch. Jessica is the classic goody two shoes daughter who says all the right things and never whines. To put it simply, they are a bit of a mentally challenged Brady Bunch.
After moving in, Bill finds a dollhouse in an old shed on his land. Turns out it is an exact mini replica of the original house in Amityville complete with little dolls that would best be described as marsmallow voodoo dolls. He brings the dollhouse house inside and leaves it in the garage. The dollhouse lights up by itself when its alone and immediately things go wrong in the house. The fireplace turns on by itself at night and even more importantly Jessica's birthday bike gets ran over by the car in the garage. So with Bill being out of a birthday gift for his daughter, he substitutes the dollhouse in as her birthday gift. She declares it the best gift ever until she starts to get sick during the party. The dollhouse is brought up to her room.This is when s**t really starts to go haywire. Bill starts having nightmares of a red headed kid nailing his feet to the ground and Claire starts having "Whos-Yo-Mama" fantasies about Todd. Meanwhile in the "Whos-Yo-Daddy" department, Jimmy is having conversations with his deceased father. He tries to convince Jimmy to Kill Bill... hahahaha...Kill Bill...sorry...all the while Jessica is noticing the dollhouse's evil as it continues to act up.
Oh I forgot to mention, mainly because I had no frickin' idea what their point in the movie was, Bill's sister Marla and her husband Tobias come to visit. Turns out they are killing fodder...uh...I mean a couple that makes a huge difference in the movie. They are big into the spirit world and all through this they are doing Ouija Board investigations or something...none of which really reveal anything we didn't know...
So anyhow, after all the wierd garbage is over with comes the big showdown. The house begins to rumble (yeah just like the first Amityville Horror) and fall apart as the dollhouse sucks Jessica in. Tobias rushes to the family's side after Marla is bumped off by one of the marshmallow voodoo dolls she stole from the house. Jimmy finally grows a pair and kills off his father's corpse by using a voodoo doll that Tobias brings. Bill finds out that the portal into the dollhouse (which I guess is supposed to be hell...I think I nodded off at this point...) is located in his fireplace. He dives through with Tobias. Tobias sacrafices himself to the demons inside so Bill can escape with his family intact. Bill escapes with Jessica through the closet door inside the dollhouse. Once they are out, Bill tosses the dollhouse into the fireplace and the house explodes. As they watch their new home burn to the ground outside, two of the worst end movie quotes in history are said...back to back no less...revel in the levity.
Claire: "Hey next time...lets just rent..."
Jimmy: "You know Todd I've been thinking...that house was definitely not up to code..."
All in all...I have to admit this movie did have it's decent moments. However, much of the flick is more funny than scary. In the famous words of the evil spirit in the first Amityville Horror...sequels like this should..."GET OUT"...
ITS THE INNARDS THAT COUNT: (most gruesome/odd moments)
Happy Birthday Screw You - Todd finds out that Jimmy hates spiders and plants a fake one in the birthday party's pinata. When Jimmy cracks it open, a real tarantula falls on his face. Pissing laughter ensued for yours truly...
What A Wasp - While getting it on with his girlfriend Dana, Todd has a giant wasp fly in his ear. Claire makes this situation much better by filling his ear canal with bug spray...parent of the year...um no...
Stuart Little On Steroids - Max the mouse runs into the doll house and hides under Jessica's bed replica. A supersized version of Max appears under her bed. Max is killed when Todd knocks over the doll house. Good thing too...probably would have taken 100 gallons of Decon to kill the f**ker...
I Got A Fever Of 103 - Dana's hair catches on fire in a freak fire place accident right before she gets it on with Todd. Apparently puntang is bad luck for Todd...
YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE: (the A-Holes of the film get their moment...)
Jimmy - This poor little fellow has no friends...well save one. However, the friend he has is a cowardly, disgusting rodent with no courage what so ever. Yeah...Max the Mouse could have done much better than Jimmy...
The Dollhouse Demons - They've taken over the dollhouse...your Cabbage Patch Doll from 1987 is next beeyotch...mu hahahaha...
